Three Gryffindors and A Baby
by Celeste
Summary: An accident in Potions-where else?-turns Snape into an infant. Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom, and because it makes a nice plot, leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
1. Oh Baby

**Three Gryffindors and a Baby**

By ::celeste::

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter (duh) that honor belongs to Rowling, the genius that she is. I'm just borrowing her people and locking them in little cages for my (and your?) amusement. I promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Well, Snape may need some serious counseling after this. Anyhoo, I make not one penny off this story, and I don't even have a penny so it's quite pointless to sue. Thanks.

**Summary:** An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant. Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

**Chapter 1**

**Oh Baby**

Neville Longbottom was shivering so hard during Potions that Hermione feared his teeth would shatter. The clattering of his jaw as it connected around thirty time a second was even beginning to set Ron on edge as he tried to stir the contents in his cauldron the same way Snape had demonstrated. Neville continued to tremble as he attempted to drop the Mersalt into the mixture.

"Neville," Hermione whispered from the corner of her mouth, "you're adding too much. Just a dash, not a handful."

"S-s-sorry," Neville replied frightfully. Hermione understood his fear. She would be shaking as well if Snape had threatened to flunk her for one more botched brew.

_Speak of the devil_, she thought as Snape's head lifted from the desk and his gaze latched onto her.

"If you are assisting Longbottom in any way, Miss Granger, it will be a failing grade for you as well." A corner of his upper lip slowly arced upwards into a menacing sneer. "I would absolutely _hate _to be the one to give your first F."

By the tone in his voice Hermione rather doubted that. He'd relish an ability to prove that Little Miss Know-It-All didn't, in fact, know everything. Tightening her own lips to keep any unkind thoughts strictly to herself, she returned her attention to her aging potion.

Unfortunately, Ron had never shared her common sense. "Greasy git," he murmured quietly to Harry. "Just wants to see Hermione lose her place in line for Head Girl so some Slytherin can claim it."

Harry nodded his agreement. "Not that there is a Slytherin-"

"Mr. Potter?" Snape hissed, uncomfortably close. Naturally he had moved from the head of the class to the back while they weren't watching, and now stood directly behind Harry. Only one table away, Neville's shivering worsened.

"Yes Professor?" Harry didn't glance over his shoulder, instead continuing to chop his eel.

"Don't let me interrupt your little conversation." Snape's voice was deceptively soft, a tactic Harry had learned to recognize after five years of potion lessons from hell. The trap was closing fast on his ankle.

"I think you already did, Sir."

Unnoticed by Snape, Neville was so shocked he dropped the entire tray of whole eels into his potion. No one in the class took note. Instead, an eerie silence had settled over the room, broken only by the light bubbling of cauldrons. If a snitch flew past the window it would be heard.

Snape's lips tightened, the corners of his eyes narrowing until only black slits peered down at Harry over his crooked nose. "Very cute Mr. Potter. Your powers of observation are simply astounding. Tell me, because I'm sure everyone here would like to know, what were you about to say regarding my House?"

During his response, Snape's face had steadily grown closer to Harry's. The Professor had lent forward, until they stood nose to nose. Harry could feel Snape's breath hissing against his face, and wanted nothing more than to turn away and stick his head into a pen of Blast-ended Skrewts. Instead, he gazed back defiantly. "I was about to say that your house couldn't produce a Head Girl even if Rowena Ravenclaw was alive today and sitting under a Slytherin's banner."

Snape's eyelids twitched. No one dared breath, not even Malfoy and his two shadows. Snape gradually straightened away from Harry, all the while casting hexes with his eyes. "Hmm," was the first sound to leave his mouth.

And then, "As opposed to a glory-seeking, loose cannon, such as yourself? Someone who paints a bulls-eye on his back and tramps around in front of Voldemort at the first opportunity? An honor bound Gryffindor who shielded himself with a Hufflepuff's body under the guise of fair play? Fifty points from Gryffindor, Mr. Potter, for just being _you_."

Snape turned on his heel and began to stalk back to his desk when what would be known as the greatest disaster in Snape's potions class struck. Harry, blinded by fury at Snape's insinuation in front of the entire class that he had purposely sacrificed Cedric, leaped from the spot he was standing at before Ron could restrain him. He flew towards Snape like a bat out of hell, and collided just as the Potions Master was nearing Longbottom's table.

Surprised by the sudden weight of the fifteen-year-old boy landing atop his person, Snape stumbled forward and fell against the cauldron where Neville's botched aging potion was violently frothing. It tilted as soon as Snape's chest collided with the edge, pouring the contents down the front of Snape's robes.

It dripped down his chest, purple and thick as gel. He let out a cry of shock when the scalding potion met his skin. And then the most extraordinary thing happened.

Snape started shrinking.

The whole class watched with growing horror as their tall, gangly Potions Master lost an inch every second. It was as if someone had gone crazy with a the time-turner. His face filled in and grew rounder, his narrow and hawk-like eyes enlarged to the size of chestnuts. His hands and fingers, long and spindly, began to shorten and bulge. His back twisted as he sunk closer to the floor.

The great billowing robes he wore engulfed his body, until only his head was left. A moment later, it too disappeared beneath the folds. The lump that remained grew smaller and smaller until finally it stopped, leaving a squirming mass no larger than the length from wrist to elbow and a half as wide.

Everyone stared down in shock. No one breathed, no one moved. It seemed the entire class was at a loss for what to do.

And then…

"**WAAAAAAAH!**"

A powerful wail erupted from the pile of robes on floor, one so shrill that everyone quickly covered their ears. The cry continued to permeate through the palms of their hands no matter how tightly they pressed against their ears. Ron shook his head violently, and if anyone could have heard over the piercing wails, he would have been heard saying over and over, "This isn't happening! This isn't happening!"

Hermione was the first to act. Shoving Harry and Neville roughly out of her way, she knelt by the small bundle the screams emanated from. Gingerly, she picked up the collar of Snape's robes to reveal a very un-happy and very baby-looking Snape.

"Oh Merlin!" she cried out, voice breaking as she tried to be heard over his. "He's a baby! My goodness Harry- he's a baby!"

"I can hear that Hermione!" Harry called back, fingers still deeply embedded in his ears.

"Now you've done it Potter! You're expelled this time for sure!" Draco sneered from his corner of the room.

Neville began to cry. "I'm so dead when he turns back. He will turn back, won't he?"

Hermione gazed up sympathetically before reaching into the robes and pulling out the naked infant inside. Everyone crept closer despite his continued wailing. Hermione cradled Snape in her arms and stood up, her eyes roving the group collected around her, taking in their dumbfounded faces one by one. "We've got to go to Dumbledore!" she shouted. Everyone nodded numbly and looked as if they'd just stumbled into a nightmare. "There there," she cooed.

Snape stopped wailing in favor of sucking down a long breath with fitful hiccups. Everyone sighed and pulled whatever they had stuffed into their ears out. Their gazes turned curious as they studied the small form of the most menacing man in the school. His pudgy body contrasted deeply with the thin bat they were use to.

"Merlin save me, he's almost cute," Pansy muttered.

At that Snape began to scream again. Hermione glared at her before smoothing the soft black hair on his head. "We have to fix this!" she called out to them. Most of the class shook their heads. Hermione stomped her foot. "Fine then. Harry, Ron, and Neville come with me. The rest of you should clean this place up!"

"Why us?" Draco snarled back. "Let the elves do it."

Hermione glared at him for several moments. "Fine. **You **take him to Dumbledore." She repositioned Snape till her hands fell under his armpits and presented the screaming Professor to Draco.

He held up his own hands in surrender and shook his head. "No way. We'll straighten out the room. It's your fault anyway Potter!"

Harry didn't answer, he just stared at Snape. He was sure his days at Hogwarts were numbered. Assault on a teacher was one thing, but transforming them into a baby? He really hated Snape now, even worse then before. "This was all _your_ fault," he muttered to Snape as Hermione cradled him again in the crook of her arm.

She gave Harry a stern glare before sighing and moving to the door, motioning the three of them to follow with a nod of her head.

Neville clutched Ron's sleeve. "How are we going to explain this to the Headmaster?" Eyes brimmed with tears as he looked to Ron for answers. Ron shook his head and pulled at Harry before following Hermione out the classroom door.

It was the first times in years that it hadn't slammed shut at Snape's exit.


	2. Diapers, Bottles, and Dinner Oh My!

**Three Gryffindors and A Baby**

By ::celeste::

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter (duh) that honor belongs to Rowling, the genius that she is. I'm just borrowing her people and locking them in little cages for my (and your?) amusement. I promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Well, Snape may need some serious counseling after this. Anyhoo I make not one penny off this story, and I don't even have a penny so it's quite pointless to sue. Thanks.

**Summary:** An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant. Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

**Chapter 2**

**Diapers, Bottles, and Dinner- Oh My!**

Students peeked from the doors of the various classes they passed by to find out what was screaming like a dying banshee with a megaphone. Hermione kept her head high as all the curious stares fell on the bundle she was holding. Refusing to listen to the whispers that fluttered behind in her wake (not that she _could _have heard them over Snape anyway), she continued to lead the others to the stone gargoyle guarding the sealed entrance to the headmaster's office.

"Does anyone know the password?" she called out. Her throat had already grown horse from constantly yelling over Snape's cries.

All three boys shook their heads, and her nose twitched in agitation. Just as she was about to start back towards the transfiguration classroom to speak with Professor McGonagall, the gargoyle swung open to reveal the magical escalator leading up to the Headmaster's door.

"Well," Ron screamed, "how could he not have known we were down here!" He pointed a finger at their Professor.

Hermione again lead the way up to the door. She paused before knocking, wondering if they were about to interrupt an important meeting. When she voiced this concern to Harry, he stared at her with tense eyes. "What could be more important then this?" he replied dryly into her ear. She nodded and rapped on the door.

It swung back to reveal Dumbledore alone in the room. Seated behind his desk, the Headmaster's attention was fixed on a strange contraption floating above the table before him. He held a screwdriver in one hand, tongue poking out from the corner of his mouth as he gingerly twisted a knob in the center of the twirling device. Silver sparkles erupted from the top like a fountain and bathed the room in a soft light.

The effect on Snape was immediate. He stopped screaming to gaze at the spinning fountain with wonder in his widening eyes. Dumbledore peered up at them, his own eyes sparkling enough to rival the silver streaming from his desk. "Children are easy to amuse, especially the younger they are." He motioned for them to step further in before placing the screwdriver within one of the drawers of his desk. "Then again, the same could be said for old men such as myself." He gazed at Snape. "It seems Severus is no longer to be counted in the older among us."

The students stared at him in wonder for one bewildered moment, questioning in their own minds how it was that Dumbledore seemed omniscient when it came to the events in Hogwarts.

"There was an accident in Potions, Sir," Harry replied, the toe of his boot digging into the carpet that had suddenly became quite fascinating to him. "My fault entirely."

"N-n-no." Neville stuttered out between his shivering teeth. "My f-fault too."

"Why don't you all sit down." Dumbledore swept his hand and four chairs appeared before his desk. "Explain everything that happened."

They made their way forward timidly. Neville was still shaking as he sat, causing the chair to creak. Dumbledore picked up a nearby tray and held it out for him. "Lemondrop, Mr. Longbottom? I find they are quite soothing in stressful situationas. Or perhaps some chocolate?"

Neville shook his head hard enough to pull a muscle in his neck. Dumbledore smiled lightly. "It's all right. Here." He withdrew a chocolate bar from his robes and gave it to the quivering boy. Neville tore the wrapper in his fright and nibbled very slowly on it. Eventually he calmed to a point where the violent shaking was reduced to small, periodic shivers. Dumbledore nodded. "Much better."

Snape, in the meantime, had begun to reach his pudgy little hands towards the fountain as it continued to spray sparkles into the air. Dumbledore chuckled and slid the fountain closer to Snape, who in turn cooed with glee and gracelessly shoved his hands over the top. As the fountain stopped to produce the showers of silver, his eyes began to tear again. When he discovered that pulling away made the sparkles rain over the room, Snape laughed and continued the pattern as if he controlled all the power in the world.

"Now that Severus is sufficiently distracted," Dumbledore nodded towards the infant, "why don't you tell me how this happened."

"Well sir," Ron began before pausing to think. "We were brewing an aging potion today. Not a very powerful one, according to Professor Snape." He hesitated then, throwing the laughing Professor a befuddled glance. "Guess he was wrong."

"I think I accidentally put too many baby eels into the potion," Neville muttered. "When I looked down where I'd knocked over the tray, it was empty. The only thing on the ground was the purple goo that got all over him before he... shrank." His lower lip began to tremble and Neville quickly took a bite from the chocolate.

"Hmm. I've never heard of this effect before, but Potions was never my field of study." Dumbledore sighed. "I fear that without Professor Snape's expertise this situation may take some time to resolve." At the look of terror that struck the students, the Headmaster quickly added some hope, "If it does not dissipate on it's own."

"And if there is no counter potion?" Hermione asked, glancing down at the giddy baby in her arms.

"Then Professor Snape may have to grow up again."

All of them sat in a stunned silence for several minutes which was only interrupted by a giggling Snape. Hermione absently began to smooth the patch of hair on his head, comforted by the short black strands that were soft as rabbits fur.

Dumbledore smiled, practically radiating relaxation and comfort at them. "Now, why don't you tell me how Professor Snape came in contact with the potion. I have never known him to accidentally spill anything."

"That's my fault," Harry replied, again finding the floor quite fascinating. "We- erm, I mean he- or me... some things were said and," Harry sighed and tore his eyes from the floor to meet Dumbledore's. "I jumped on his back and he fell onto Neville's cauldron," Harry said in a rush, hoping the speed might lessen the impact.

It did not, and Dumbledore nodded very slowly. "I see. Assault on a teacher is a very serious offense Harry."

"But it wasn't just Harry's fault sir!" Ron shouted, momentarily startling Severus away from the fountain. The baby turned his head to glare at Ron, and he could almost hear Snape's sneering voice in his head saying, '_Twenty points for ruining my fun, Mr. Weasley_'. Ron glared back at Snape and continued defiantly, "He accused Harry of practically causing Cedric's death. In front of everyone!"

"Severus," Dumbledore breathed. Snape turned his head, the awkward movement causing it to bob to the side slightly as he regarded the Headmaster. Dumbledore sighed and shook his own head. "A very inappropriate thing to say, my friend. Never the less, there is no excuse for assaulting a member of the faculty... Quirrel aside. I believe a punishment is in order here."

"Yes, sir." Harry's voice shook. "I'll just go and collect my things." He moved to stand when Dumbledore stopped him.

"Whatever for?"

Harry gazed at the Headmaster with disbelief. "You aren't going to-"

The old wizards eyes softened. "No, Harry. I'm not." Harry let out a long sigh and leaned into his chair as the other three grinned back and forth. "I am a firm believer that a punishment should also serve as a lesson."

They remained quiet.

"Therefore, you will be in charge of Professor Snape's care for the time being until we can find a way to-ah-reverse the situation."

They continued to remain quiet, but Harry's jaw was about to hit his knees.

"And since Professor Snape has seemed to take a liking to you Hermione, you shall assist Harry. I think this will be an excellent opportunity for the students to experience life with one who depends so intently on you for the most basic of needs. In fact, you may help as well Ron. Yes, a most excellent idea." Dumbledore sat back in his own leather chair and beamed at them.

They continued to gawk at him as if he had suddenly sprouted an extra head. One that was pink. And a dragon. Snape chose that moment to start laughing at a portrait in the room which was making funny faces at him.

"You're mad!" Ron exclaimed. He quickly clamped his hands over his mouth as he realized he'd said that bit aloud.

Dumbledore chuckled. "So I've been told many times before."

"What about me?" Neville muttered.

"My dear boy, it is very well known how much you fear Professor Snape. I still remember that incident with the boggart." He chuckled again. "You made an understandable mistake with no ill intent. We all foul occasionally, even myself."

Dumbledore seemed very pleased as he leaned forward and motioned for Hermione, who sat in stunned silence, to hand Severus to him. Startling into action, she gave him over with only a hint of reluctance. Dumbledore gazed at the gurgling face with a strangely sympathetic expression. "It is wonderful to see him smile again. It might improve the mood around the castle if a baby is around. Little padding feet, as they say."

"Couldn't we just get a dog?" Ron moaned.

Dumbledore peered over the frame of his spectacles at him. "Why don't you hold him?"

"**What**!" he shrieked. Snape's face contorted and it was clear he was about to cry when Dumbledore quickly uttered gentle words that succeeded in soothing him.

"You did grow up in a house filled with children," Hermione pointed out.

"But Ginny is only a year and a half younger than me. I never had to deal with babies before," Ron grumbled before crossing his arms in front of his chest. Dumbledore clucked his tongue disapprovingly.

"Come now. Here." He stood and walked around the desk until he was standing beside Ron's chair. Slowly, he knelt beside him and presented Snape, who glared at Ron in an eerily familiar way.

Ron returned the scathing look, pleased that-for once-it managed to out shine his Professor's. "He hates me."

"Nonsense," Dumbledore replied sternly before moving his hand under Snape's neck. "You must always make sure the neck is supported. Hold him gently, but firmly enough that he won't roll out." He pressed Snape into Ron's folded arms.

Sighing to show his extreme discomfort, Ron quickly adjusted enough to allow Dumbledore to gently pass Snape along. Snape's face contorted into extreme distaste as he settled into the slight dip of the fifteen year-old's cradling hold. Ron stared down at him like a deer caught in the headlights of his father's car.

"See? It's not so very bad, is it?" Dumbledore murmured. Harry craned his neck to watch, barely containing his laughter. Ron pinched his nose.

"I guess not, but I still don't li-"

A sudden stream of yellow erupted from Snape.

"EEEW!" Ron cried out as the front of his shirt was drenched in urine. "He's _**pissing **_on me!"

Snape let off the water works and began to laugh, waving his short stubby arms in glee. Ron shoved him back at the Headmaster, whose own cheeks ballooned as he struggled to stifle his amusement. Harry and Neville knew it was a hopeless cause, and soon the room echoed with their guffaws.

Dumbledore accepted Snape's return as Hermione raised her hand. "He should at least have a diaper, sir."

"No kidding!" Ron snarled, holding his now drenched shirt away from his chest.

The elderly wizard nodded thoughtfully. "I believe I can 'conjure' up-as it were-some of the necessities. I will send Professor McGonagall to Hogsmeade tonight to fetch some more supplies, and toys." Dumbledore smiled benevolently at Snape. "Somehow I have a feeling he did not receive near enough before. Well, we shall make sure his second go at infancy is much more enjoyable. Won't we?"

They groaned in response. Dumbledore motioned for them all to stand with a tilt of his head. He laid Snape down on the desk with great care and took out a wand that looked worn and smoothed from extreme age. "Now, for some diapers." He glanced around before his eyes landed on a traveling cloak draped on the rack near the fireplace. Taking them from the hook, he set them on the desk and waved his wand along their length.

The plain magenta cloak segmented and reformed into several pairs of white nappies before their eyes. Dumbledore grabbed the top one, giving it a quick inspection before nodding his approval.

"Now, watch very carefully," he instructed. After a few swift flicks, Snape was no longer naked but sufficiently covered. The top cinch of his nappy was decorated in unicorns, all of which busied themselves prancing happily around. "I've charmed them not to leak, but if he has an accident," he paused to glow at Ron, who still held his shirt pinched in two fingers away from his chest, "the unicorns will become most... displeased. Be sure to check them periodically, just in case the smell doesn't tell you first."

A look of horror again crossed their faces.

"I expect each of you to take turns caring for him. For now, Hermione, please create a suitable bag which will hold the things he needs."

Hermione nodded and reached for her book bag, which was no longer there. "Oh dear," she muttered. The idea of being without her books terrifying her more than caring for the baby before them. "I must have forgotten it back in the classroom."

"I'll get it for you!" Neville cried out before practically flying from the room. They watched as he disappeared out the door.

"I don't think he's going to be much help," Harry muttered.

"You may be surprised," Dumbledore mysteriously replied. "Here, you can use that case by the fireplace, Miss Granger."

Hermione pointed to a tattered looking case. Dumbledore nodded. "Is there anything important inside?" She asked, unwilling to go through the Headmaster's things.

"No. It's empty."

She pulled out her own wand, pausing shortly to think before she aiming it at the case. In a flash of white, which made Snape coo out with glee, it successfully transformed into a diaper bag. Several side pockets covered the outside, each covered with rabbits.

"Bunnies?" Ron asked disdainfully. "I don't want to carry around a bag with bunnies on it!"

"You'll very well do it, Ronald Weasley! And what more, you will like it!" Hermione hissed back, waving her wand at him. Ron threw out the hand not holding his shirt in surrender. "It should be bottomless, sir, and able to hold alot of items." Hermione added, sounding quite pleased with her accomplishment. Dumbledore clapped.

"Well done. Ten points for Gryffindor, Miss Granger," he replied beaming. "Minerva was absolutely right. Come, let's finish the rest."

* * *

By the time the three students trudged out of Dumbledore's office, the bag slung over Harry's shoulder contained the most essential things Snape would need. Enough nappies to last through the night, five bottles that were decorated with several magical creatures that Harry suspected Snape would choke them for when he turned back (he _**was **_going to turn back Harry told himself over and over), pacifiers, rattles, books Dumbledore had produced for them to read Snape to sleep ('Severus always reads a book before going to bed'), and a strange assortment of toys the Headmaster had provided that Harry had never even seen before.

They had clothed him in a bright blue pajama outfit that was covered with ducks. They floated around the fabric as if Snape's clothes were some sort of enchanted lake. Ron had muttered that they should have made the entire outfit black, instead. Dumbledore only smiled and replied that, 'O_ne can never wear too many colors_.'

It was decided that Snape should alternate staying between them, unless a preference became apparent. A crib in both Harry and Ron's room, as well as Hermione's. A playpen would be set up in the Common Room, and in the classes they would attend.

As soon as they were in the hall, Ron paused to aim a look of disgust at Snape before addressing Harry and Hermione. "I'm going to go change," he grumbled sourly, gesturing to his shirt. "I'll meet you all in the Great Hall for dinner."

The pair nodded to Ron as he turned and stalked away. They glanced at each other before continuing down the corridor. Snape had been buckled into a carrier strapped to Hermione's back. "You know," Hermione began, glancing at Harry, "this could have turned out a lot worse for you."

Harry nodded. He hadn't really said much since the accident, still feeling a bit shell shocked after the Headmaster's announcement of Snape's new living arrangement.

"And this will be a good experience for all of us," Hermione added.

Again, Harry only nodded.

"And he _**is**_ kind of cute this way."

Harry stopped to turn his head and stare at her. "Have you lost your mind 'Mione?" he asked. She glared before speeding her pace, flouncing ahead of him. Harry was left staring at Snape's face instead, which- he would swear to anyone under Veritaserum- was snarling at him.

When they reached the Gryffindore table in the Great Hall, Harry immediately noticed the highchair at the end. It's golden wrought frame gleamed in the firelight, and he boggled at the satin cushions. Harry groaned at the thought of Snape dining in luxery, especially when he considered what should be an otherwise embarrassing situation. Rolling his eyes, he reluctantly helped Hermione remove Snape from the carrier to transfer him into the chair. Hermione secured the tray in front and buckled him in.

Snape was not pleased. Almost immediately he began slapping the tray. Harry tried to shush him as best he could, placing his bigger hands over Snape's, which earned him another baby-snarl and glare. Harry almost glared back before catching himself and sighing.

"We just heard," Fred said as he walked up to stand at the opposite side of the highchair, flanked by George who was barely containing his laughter at the sight of Snape. "Still looks like a right evil git, doesn't he?"

At this comment Snape began that painfully loud and obnoxious wail of his. It echoed around the Hall, causing everyone to stare. Snape didn't seem to care as he continued screaming with a power Harry would never have believed.

"I should Hex you!" Hermione hissed to Fred, reaching into the bag still held by Harry. She fished around for several frantic seconds before pulling out one of the toys Dumbledore had fashioned for him.

She sat it in front of Snape and began to talk to him in a sing-song voice. "There, there Sevvy. Here, look at this." She flipped the copper switch and the toy began to swirl with colors. Snape quieted and grasped for the toy with clumsy fingers. "Only if you're a good baby. You are a good baby-waby aren't you?" She asked in the same sickening tone which made Harry cringe and the Weasley twins snort with laughter. She glared at them before handing the toy to Snape, who busied himself in studying it as only a baby could.

"_Sevvy,_" George gasped out. "Little _Sevvy-wevvy _have a _doo-doo _yet?" The twins erupted with laughter.

"Oh grow up!" Hermione hissed, lashing out at them. "He can't help it. And, no, for your information."

"He did see fit to use me as the loo though," Ron grumbled as he wandered over. George and Fred settled themselves down to a few chuckles and went to sit in their customary seats. Soon, however, most of the students were clustering over to get a look at their Potion's Master, whose accident was a favorite and widely spread bit of gossip by now.

Hermione kept shooing them away, mothering over Snape in a way that made Harry and Ron sick to their stomachs. "Girls," Ron whispered to Harry before shaking his head.

After the announcement by Dumbledore of Snape's accident and the current situation (during which Harry noticed the mirth on all of the other Professor's faces) the food appeared. Fortunately, hunger drove the rest of the school away from inspecting Snape in favor of returning to their own plates.

Hermione didn't touch her food, instead spending her dinnertime trying to feed Snape the mush that the house elves had brought out for him.

"Are you sure he can eat solid food? Dumbledore did give us the bottles," Ron pointed out. Hermione ignored him for a few moments, making bizarre buzzing noises as she waved the tiny spoon in circles around Snape's face.

"He can have some of this too," she finally answered when it was apparent Snape wasn't being fooled into thinking his spoon was an airplane so easily. "He's not quite newborn."

"No, he's a thirty-five-year-old baby," Ron replied dryly. As soon as he turned back to his own plate, a glob of yellow mush smacked into the side of the head. Ron gasped in shock, snatching napkin to wipe it away while the rest of the table laughed. Ron glared at Snape, but paused as he noticed the very pleased expression on the baby's face. "Git!" Ron called out. Snape stuck his tongue out.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, Ron," Hermione chastened as she cleaned a bit of the mush from Snape's chin. "It's only applesauce."

"He really hates me," Ron muttered darkly before returning to his food.


	3. Peppy the Absurdly Happy Puppy

Three Gryffindors and a Baby

By ::celeste::

Fanmail to celestialsilence@mchsi.com

Disclaimerness: I don't own Harry Potter (duh) that honor belongs to Rowling, the genius that she is. I'm just borrowing her people and locking them in little cages for my (and your?) amusement. I promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Well, Snape may need some serious counseling after this. Anyhoo I make not one penny off this story, and I don't even have a penny so it's quite pointless to sue. Thanks.

Summary: An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant. Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Dedication: To Kayla, my cousin Rhonda's daughter, who is the most adorable little thing alive. And yes, I am a bit biased about that ^.^ Also to Rowling- hoping her current pregnancy is a wonderful experience.

Please Read This:

I am overwhelmed by the number of reviews the very first day that this story was posted! As I check it now it's up to 26! I can't even begin to tell you how flattered I am that so many of you have enjoyed the first few chapters. I can only hope that the next is just as good and continues to amuse you.

Since I am so excited about this story myself, and because so many of you also seem to enjoy it, I'm going to do something I've never done before. That is ask for Beta Readers. I'd like to make sure some of the mistakes that were pointed out (and I thank you for pointing them out!) are kept to a minimum so you all enjoy this story. I need three different beta readers-

The first and most badly needed is someone who has a lot of experience with babies. Either you are caring for one now or have cared for several in the past. This is so I don't make Snape do something totally OC for an infant. I'm not planning on making him sing Henry VIII, but I'd like to have an expert reviewing his actions and make sure they're all Okie Dokie. So, if that is you, please e-mail me at celestialsilence@mchsi.com

The second is someone who knows the Harry Potter series like the back of their hands, inside and out. Someone who can quote pages from the books, or heck even read it backwards. I've read them all a few times myself, but since I seem to be unable to correctly spell Gryffindor I think I should ask ^.^ This reader's main job will be to make sure all canon is spelled (and presented) correctly, but most importantly that all the people are **_in character_**. As much as it is possible for them to be in this situation. If you are up to the challenge you can e-mail me at celestialsilence@mchsi.com

The last beta reader is for grammar, mechanics, voice, description, and flow. I need someone who always gets high marks for those things in Composition classes. I have an annoying tendency to go - happy or reuse words and phrases to closely together. I try to catch what I can but I'm ultimately lousy at it. So if you are that person you can e-mail me at celestialsilence@mchsi.com

Anyone who agrees to do the Beta Reading should realize I'd like your comments/corrections back a.s.a.p. so I can get the chapters up. I'll send it to one reader at a time (baby beta, canon beta, and then mechanics beta) so it will have to be done with a quick response but not so much that it detracts from quality.

I'll start on Chapter 4 in the next few days, but won't post it until I get my Beta Readers. Yes, I am a nasty evil little girl *innocent smile*. I only want to make sure that this story is as good as it can possibly be for a fanfic.

On another note (to this ludicrously long one) don't expect each of the chapters to be up as quickly as this. I have many projects to work on, but I promise to spend any free time I can grab on this as long as you continue to make it worth my while, as you already have :D

Thank you again for your wonderful reviews. I can't thank you all individually, but believe me- I re-read them about a hundred times and smiled at each one. If you have an idea for something you'd like to see played out, go ahead and say so. I have chapters plotted, but it never hurts to get more wonderful suggestions. It just might appear in the story with a thank you for the idea.

Enough of this….

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Chapter 3

Peppy the (Absurdly) Happy Puppy

The rest of dinner passed by with relative normalcy. Well, Harry mused, as normal as dinner can be when the nastiest Professor in school was flinging his apple sauce at you. The sauce missiles (as the Weasley twins had dubbed them- muttering about a new idea for their business) had not only struck Ron. Snape had targeted the Gryffindor table on the whole. Harry himself had received two, Seamus one in the eye, and Neville was still digging the sauce out of his ear. It was amazing accuracy and distance for their little Professor.

Snape himself at that moment was once again strapped into the carrier on Hermione's back as they all climbed the stairs to their tower. Ron was still grumbling about a situation which Harry had begun to slowly accept. It was, after all, his fault. Well, mostly anyway.

"You think Dumbledore would have given him to the Slytherins. He is their Head of House after all." Ron continued plucking sauce from his red hair as the complaints rolled by. "Why do we always get landed with everything. _'Save the Stone' 'Kill the Basilisk' 'Free Sirius'_. Honestly, we're only children!"

"Now Ron," Hermione began, still miffed with what she viewed as immature behavior at the current situation. "No one actually asked us to do any of those things."

"Ya ya." Ron replied. He threw another heated glare at Snape, which was returned. Pointing to the Professor he added, "he seems to be enjoying himself though. I wouldn't be surprised if he _planned _all this to happen. A jolly good laugh for him. Git."

"Don't be ridiculous." Hermione adjusted the carrier as if she needed to somehow shield Snape from Ron's words. "Professor Snape would never in a million years want to turn himself into a baby."

Harry had to agree with that. The only shining light in the tunnel he now seemed to be stuck in was Snape's horror and embarrassment when he returned to his normal- sneering- insulting- and unpleasant self. Harry really missed him at that moment.

Luckily they had just reached the portrait of the Fat Lady before Harry could reflect on missing Snape. She looked at them bored at first, until she noticed the bundle on Hermione's back. "My goodness," she began with a stern expression in her eyes, "someone should have told you pre-marital affairs should be undertaken with protection."

The three gaped at her open mouth and bug-eyed. "You don't honestly think-" Harry began, but stopped before saying any of the words that ran through his head. Words like _Hermione and us_… "Nevermind." He snapped. "Just let us in. Ask Professor McGonagall about it."

The Fat Lady lifted her nose. "I most certainly will. Won't have these kinds of things going on in my tower, under my guard."

"Oh for Merlin's Sake." Hermione rubbed her forehead. "Xeta Capurnicus."

The Fat Lady gave them one last disapproving look before swinging open and admitting them into the Common Room. Ron stood shaking his head. "Didn't she notice that Hermione hasn't been pregnant at all. I may not be the brightest Galleon in the vault, but even I'm not that stupid." Hermione turned to him with a raised eyebrow and remark on her tongue when Ron threw her a look that said quite plainly, '_not now_.'

Hermione took the hint and started to unhook the fastener on the carrier. Snape gave a small noise disturbingly similar to a snort, indicating his annoyance at the sudden movements. Hermione continued to swing the carrier around as gently as she could and then removed Snape. She held him firmly under his bottom and brought him to her shoulder, which he happily rested his head against.

Just as the three were about to sit down to discuss the sleeping arrangements for the night they were again assaulted by the other members of Gryffindor tower. Most notably amoung them was Lavander and Parvati who squawked over Snape like a couple of chickens bobbing their heads.

"Can I hold him." Parvati asked Hermione in a rush, eyes sparkling over from excitement. Hermione looked down to Snape who kept squirming away from Parvati's hands.

"I don't know-" Hermione began, drawing him closer. "Sevvy doesn't really like people."

"Sevvy!" Lavander exclaimed before clasping her hands together. "That is so very cute!"

Now Snape looked down right green like he was going to be sick. Harry swore he understood at least a gist of what was being said. After all, their Professor had always seemed to display almost telepathic abilities. Although, he was pretty sure Snape wasn't quite as there mentally as he used to be. Then again, Harry thought he remembered something about babies reacting to vocal tones.

Either way he didn't want to be held by anybody other than Hermione. Oblivious to this fact, Lavander practically tore him away from Hermione. Hermione bit back whatever she was about to say- but her eyes were throwing unforgivable curses at Lavander.

She didn't notice this however but held Snape in front of her and proceeded to make several contorted faces which would have frightened Harry himself, let alone the baby. "Oh- he's a cutie wootie! A little adorable thing- isn't he. Yes, yes, he is- he is!"

Snape's face scrunched in a fashion the three had well recognized by now. "Uh-oh." Ron moaned before shoving both pinkies into his ears. Harry did the same and very soon the cry of Professor Snape -baby extraordinaire- rang out through the tower.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!! WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!"

"For goodness' sakes Lavander!" George shouted. "Give him back!! I wouldn't want your ugly mug staring up at me either!"

Lavander began to tear up herself before handing Snape back to Hermione. As soon as he was safely against her shoulder again the cries ceased. Everyone stared stunned.

"Wow." Seamus said after several moments. "He really has taken a liken to you. Hasn't he."

Hermione didn't respond, only continued to pat Snape on the back. Ron shook his head in disbelief.

"Never would have guessed the way he always was insulting you in class. Maybe he just figures you're the one less likely to get him killed." Ron then sighed and sat down beside Hermione on the sofa. Sinking into it's cushions. "It's been too long a day."

"Here here." Harry replied, taking the seat next to him. Only a few hours and he was already beginning to get tired.

"You two act like you've been doing all the work." Hermione stated, now rubbing little circles in the middle of Snape's shoulders. Harry didn't respond knowing full well Hermione was right. This was, after all, mostly his fault. Guilt began to creep over him.

Ron snorted. "Well, it is kind of a girl thing isn't it?"

Hermione's head snapped to the side, her face filling with anger. "What is **_that _**supposed to mean?!"

"I mean taking care of babies. Mum is always looking after us boys." Ron replied, clearly not understanding what had offended her.

"For your information _Ron_," Hermione hissed out his name causing both Ron and Harry to wince slightly, "boys are just as capable of looking after babies as girls are."

Ron threw up his hands. "Fine, fine. Point taken." Harry leaned back into the couch, glad Ron hadn't decided to push the argument any further. Hermione still looked furious, absently tossing a strand of hair away from her face.

It seemed, though, that Hermione wasn't quite finished. "I'm tired and I have a load of homework to do."

"Surprise surprise." Ron replied softly. A glare from Hermione and Snape made him wince.

"So I'm going to leave him to you two for the night."

"**WHAT!**" Harry and Ron shouted at the same time, Snape looked at them from Hermione's shoulder with his eyebrows raised. Clearly wondering what all the fuss was about.

"You can't be serious!" Ron added. "He hates us! He hates _me_!" The last word was said with a panicked whine. Harry nodded his head vigorously in total agreement. Hermione pressed her lips together tightly while regarding the two of them for a few moments.

"Dumbledore said that it was all our responsibility to look after him. Not just mine. This is just like the two of you, never taking school assignments very seriously."

"Hermione," Harry began, stunned that she was even treating this event as another piece of reading, "this is taking care of a baby- Snape at that- not an essay for History of Magic!"

"No kidding!" Ron added, a similar stunned expression on his face. "Not like he's a three foot bit of parchment- is he?"

"Of course not!" Her voice was steadily growing colder. "I'm not suggesting he is. All I'm saying is that it's something we've been assigned to do. _All three of us_." She then stood up swiftly, pulled Snape away from her shoulder and into her hands. She then bent over and laid him straight into Harry's lap. The boys looked up at her, mouths working furiously but no sound coming out. She then gave a last look at Snape, her features softening for the first time, before walking across the room- up the stairs- and into her chambers.

"Traitor!" Ron called out. Harry continued to remain silent, only looking down at the squirming infant in his lap, which was looking back up at him with disgust. Then Harry noticed a very disturbing sight revealed by an opening in Snape's pajamas. "I can't believe she just did that!"

"Well," Harry began- uncertain of how to say it, "I think we have a bigger problem."

Ron groaned and sank further into the couch. "And what could that possibly be?"

"The unicorns," Harry paused and waited until Ron was also looking down at Snape, "they've stopped dancing."

No matter how many angles they turned Snape, and no matter how hard they stared, the unicorns had indeed stopped in their prancing across Snape's diaper. Even when they tore off the pajamas the unicorns remained still except for the occasional shaking of their heads. Harry and Ron kept looking back and forth between themselves and the diapers. Both hesitant to unfasten them.

"Just do it quickly." Seamus supplied helpfully. A small crowd had gathered around the trio. Snape was laying in the center of the table which was usually used for playing Wizard's Chess. His face was gazing up at them with a look that said, 'well don't just stand there you dunderheads! Get this disgusting thing off of me!'.

Harry drew in a deep breath. "OK." He muttered to the group. "Here we go."

"Wait." Ron said as he grasped for Harry's arm, now poised directly over the diaper's fastener. "I don't think I can do this. I mean, he's already nailed me once- what's to stop him from doing it again."

Harry glared back. "Do you think I want to wipe my Professor's arse?! Let alone _Snape's _arse! I can tell you, it's not on my top ten list of things to check out in the Mirror of Erised."

Ron gulped. "Not to mention having to look at his- his- _thing_."

Horror struck all the members of the crowd. No, they most certainly did not want to look at Professor Snape's thing.

"Alright, here's what we're going to do." Harry began, sounding like Oliver before one of their Quidditch practices. "We're going to pretend it's not Snape."

Ron glanced down at their Professor. Trying to imagine that he was not Snape at all, but a un-descript baby from an un-descript couple, maybe even his own parents. He had almost removed the fact that their Professor was kicking and squirming on the table- unfortunately it was at that moment Snape decided to send another baby-snarl. "I can't. Look at him Harry! He's _snarling _at us!"

Harry sighed. "Look it's got to be done. Hermione isn't coming down. We've just got to grit our teeth and do it. We _are _Gryffindor's after all."

"We better get a hundred points for this." Ron replied before nodding to indicate that Harry should proceed.

Harry briefly considered grabbing his dragon scale gloves from his bag before deciding against it. In Snape's current form his skin was soft and would probably get cut. He mentally counted to three and then- with trembling hands- undid the fastening of the diapers. He grabbed both of Snape's legs awkwardly, earning several small noises of protest as he did so, and pulled down the front of the diaper. Revealing it's contents to all.

"**EEEEEWWWW!!!**" Came the collective response. Neville's cheeks bulged and he quickly covered his mouth with his hands before running to the nearest bathroom. Indeed, the sight was quite grotesque, as the not-so-very solid pile of what remained of the apple sauce was in full view. Not to mention smell.

"Worse then Troll Bogies." Muttered Ron as he pinched his nose shut. Harry did the same, and gingerly pulled the diaper away from the Potion's Master. He quickly folded it up and threw it into a waste can that had been specially provided for the room. "You greasy git, I hope your pleased with yourself." Ron said to Snape. "That was one of the most revolting things I've ever seen in my life."

Snape did seem extremely pleased now that the contents of the diaper had been removed.

Harry returned and again lifted him by the legs off the table while keeping a safe distance away. "Someone get the wipes out of the bag and another diaper." After a moment he added, "and that powder stuff."

Ron quickly complied, as did several of the other boys, all wanting to get away from their naked Professor. Ron beat them all to the bag first and began to dig inside of it until he had fetched the items out.

Ron handed them back to Harry- who was desperately trying to remember what Dumbledore had done. He took out one of the wipes from the small container, all the while trying to tell himself this was not Snape- and quickly cleaned away what remained from the diaper before in one swipe. He was both amazed and stunned until the words on the box made it clear.

****

Mrs. Skower's All-Porpous Baby Wipes

Tired of all those messes left on the floor or on your shirt from your baby regurgitating his meal? Fretting the long time it takes to wipe baby's bottom? **Mrs. Skower's All-Pourpose Baby Wipes **are the magical answer to all your problems. Enchanted to take care of every problem with just one go- guaranteed!

"Thank you Mrs. Skowers." Harry muttered after reading the label. The witch's picture on the top nodded to him in sympathy.

Harry then took hold of the powder, and scanned over the label. Ingredients he didn't recognize were listed, but it promised to prevent rashes. Harry shrugged his shoulders and tried not to think to hard about what Snape would say to him about applying a powder he knew nothing about onto Snape's person. He unstopped the top of the bottle and tilted it over his Professor. Harry shook it a few times, hoping it would be enough. It turned out to be more than enough, as the room soon was consumed by a sparkling white cloud. Everyone coughed as the cloud rolled over them.

Panicking- Harry quickly covered Snape's face with his pajamas', hoping that Snape wouldn't breath much of it in. Then the thought that it could be toxic to all of them flashed through his head.

Almost as quickly as it had grown, it settled around them. Leaving the Common Room and it's occupants covered in a fine white powder. Harry patted as much of it off the top of Snape as he could, who wasn't coughing at all. Then the powder suddenly disappeared.

"That was weird." Harry said as he shrugged at Ron.

"It's supposed to do that." Ron replied, remember his own mum's complaints about it. "I guess it's good for your skin though."

Harry nodded, relieved he hadn't endangered anyone, and reached for the final stage of the changing- reapplying the diaper.

It took several minutes, and ultimately some spell-o-tape until finally it no longer slipped off of Snape. Harry sighed in happiness and looked again to Ron. "Now what?"

Ron was busy trying to convince Snape to return to his duck pajamas. "Why don't we play a game of Wizard's Chess?"

Harry nodded. "Sounds like a good idea." He pointed to Snape who's right arm Ron had finally stuffed into it's sleeve. "What about him?"

As if their magical chime had sounded, all the other students mumbled about getting some sleep or doing homework and quickly disappeared from the room. Harry and Ron sighed to each other. "Let's just stuff him into that rolling-chair--erm--thing." He buttoned up the pajamas and grabbed the chair he had mentioned. It was designed to allow Snape to roll around freely with little effort on his own part since he was unable to walk- and had several blocks connected to the top to offer amusement. Like the High Chair in the Great Hall, it offered adequate support for his tiny body as well.

"You sure that's a good idea?" Harry asked, looking at it with suspicion. "Shouldn't we keep an eye on him?"

Ron shrugged. "C'mon Harry. The door is closed, he can't go up the stairs- what's the harm?"

Indeed, what was the harm Harry wondered. It looked pretty safe so he lifted Snape off the table, carried him to the chair, and sat him inside of it. After Snape was securely in place, he walked back over to the table where Ron had already removed the changing cover and replaced it with his chess board.

Soon any concern for keeping his eye on Snape left when Ron took one of his Bishops.

After an hour Ron grinned and proclaimed, "Checkmate!"

Harry groaned and removed his glasses briefly to rub his eyes. "You always win." He muttered before replacing them. Ron smiled brightly, reveling for several minutes in his victory. Then it was as if someone had turned the light on in his head.

"Hey Harry?"

"Ya?" Harry replied before yawning.

Ron looked around the room. "Where's Snape?"

Harry's eyes snapped wide open and he jumped out of the seat. "Snape?!"

"Ya, you know- little body, pudgy face, drool, wailing, pissing, crapping? Where is he?"

They both glanced at each other for a few seconds before running through the room. After a while of searching with no results, Ron began to panic. He even resorted to lifting up the cushions on the couch. "Dumbledore should've known better!" He moaned. "Where in the world is he?"

Harry didn't reply, still inspecting the spaces between the bookshelf. "It's alright, just keep your head on!."

"Oh man Harry." Ron's voice wavered. "We are in such big trouble. Can you imagine? '_Excuse me Headmaster- we've seemed to have misplaced Snape. Have you seen him anywhere? Maybe in the Chamber of Secrets?_' We're getting kicked out this time for sure!"

Harry was about to go and get the Marauder's Map when a giggle from the corner of the room made them both snap their heads around. They dashed over to find the subject of their query. Perfectly safe and unhurt. He looked back up at them with glowing eyes. "Thank Merlin." Harry groaned, swearing never to let Snape out of his sight again.

Ron looked down. "What's that in his hands?"

Harry had missed that before, concerned with their professors well being, but there was indeed something in his chubby little hands. "Looks like parchment." He replied. He looked to the floor and noticed that more of it was scattered all over. "Wonder how he got a hold of it."

Ron picked up one of the pieces. After a second of study, his eyes widened. "Hey Harry, it's my handwriting!"

Harry plucked the piece from Ron's hand. It was the unmistakable squiggle of Ron's quill. "Uh-oh."

Gazing around the room, Ron soon found his school bag open on a nearby table, books strewn on the floor. He took back the parchment from Harry, and picked up several of the other torn scraps. He examined them carefully for a few minutes before his cheeks flamed a bright red which trailed up to his ears. "It's my Divination chart!! Blimey Harry! It took me days to make all that stuff up!! And we have Divination tomorrow morning after Transfiguration!" Ron then rounded on Snape and glared. Snape only laughed and threw a few more pieces into the air. "He's _still _trying to make my school work a living nightmare."

"It'll be alright." Harry muttered, starting to pick up all the scraps off the floor. "A bit of spell-o-tape will fix it right up. You'll see."

Ron began to help collect the torn assignment, roughly wrenching a few pieces out of Snape's fingers. "There's baby drool all over it!"

A half-hour later they had all the pieces and began the process of re-connecting Ron's Divination Chart, trying with little success to dry the slobber from the parchment. Ron kept periodically shaking his head and wondering allowed why Snape was determined to make his life as difficult as possible.

An hour later and with Snape safely asleep in his crib the pair hauled their aching backs to their beds. Neville and Seamus were already fast asleep. Harry sighed as his head hit the pillow. Before giving into his body's demand for sleep, he turned to give Snape another quick look. The crib was situated in the middle of the room and softly illuminated by the light. Snape's face was completely relaxed and it was clear he was snoozing away comfortably. Harry turned back to his own pillow and followed in Snape's example. Slumber came quickly and Harry welcomed it with open arms.

"WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! AAAAHHH AHHA WWWWWAAA AAAAAAAAHHH AAAAAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!"

Harry shot up into a sitting position in the bed so fast he was temporarily dizzy. He glanced around the room in terror, wondering what in the world was screaming like it's leg had just gotten cut off. Slowly, he began to remember the events of the day and shook his head. Apparently his wish that this had all been a bad dream wasn't going to be granted any time soon.

Harry glanced quickly to the magical clock on the wall. The hands pointed to 'Go to sleep young man, it's the middle of the night.' Harry groaned and wished with all his might that he could.

"FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN SHUT HIM UP!!" Ron cried out from beneath the pillow he had shoved over his ears. Snape's cries hadn't lessened in volume and Harry wondered if his entire body was comprised of a set of lungs.

"Shouldn't talk about Professor Snape that way!" Neville called out. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Oh crikes Neville! He's only a baby! Get over it!" Ron answered back loudly enough to be heard.

"I can't help it." Neville answered- his voice equally as loud. "He's yelling at me even in my dreams!"

Seamus by this time was also sitting up in his own bed. He flicked the light on and shook his head towards Neville. "Would it help if I transfigured a hat with a Vulture on top for him to wear?!" He pointed towards Snape who was still crying.

"No thanks!" Neville answered. "You'll just blow us all up!"

Seamus frowned at him and was about to reply when the door to their room opened revealing the entire population of Gryffindor Tower. They all wore angry (and sleepy) expressions on their faces, which were directed towards the four. Hermione was in the lead and glared at each of them. "You'd better take care of him!" She shouted. "Or none of us will get any sleep! And if that happens I'll turn you **all **into toads!" With that she slammed the door shut, leaving the four boys glancing back and forth.

"You don't think she could actually do it- do you?" Neville asked, his voice quivering.

"Let's not find out." Harry replied, standing and wandering to the screaming infant's crib. Snape didn't quiet down when Harry lifted him up and placed his body against his chest as he had when Hermione held him. He only kept screaming into his ear. For a moment Harry feared he'd go deaf.

"Shove a bottle into his mouth!" Ron suggested. "He can't scream over that!"

Harry nodded and made his way over to the diaper bag. After a few moments of rummaging through the contents, he extracted one of the bottles. This one was decorated with a phoenix. _That has to be a good sign_, he thought to himself. If that wasn't enough of a hint, the formula which appeared a moment later on the stand was.

Harry laid the wailing Snape onto the bed and inspected the label.

****

Bertie Bott's Baby Formula

Specially mixed with nutrients the infant wizard needs.

Harry read the label to Ron. "Should we trust a formula by Bott?" He asked, uncertainty seeping into his words. Ron groaned and pulled the pillow tighter against his head.

"I _hope _it's vomit flavored!" Ron called back.

Harry discovered after mixing it into the bottle and presenting it to Snape that it was not vomit flavored. At least, not with the way Snape hungrily sucked at it.

Harry continued to look down at Snape as he fed. Shaking his own head in wonder at the way Snape seemed to glare back. Maybe it was his imagination, but he was beginning to believe Ron's theory that Snape was still out to get the both of them. He certainly didn't remember seeing other babies glare or snarl. Then again, he really hadn't been around that many before.

After Snape was contented and would accept no more Harry placed the bottle onto the dresser for the house elves to collect. He stood up, and was about to place him back in his crib when Neville spoke.

"You've got to burp him Harry."

Harry groaned in reply. He sifted again through the diaper bag for the small shoulder-sized towel. He sat down again on his bed and threw the towel over his shoulder. He lifted Snape up till his head was against it- and then proceeded to slap his Professor's back like he had seen in the movies.

After a while Harry began to dose off while Snape continued to gurgle and burp. His eyelids tried to shut themselves on their own accord as Snape's noises became less frequent. Finally- when he noticed through the foggy cloud which had covered his mind that Snape had ceased to make any more noises, he removed the small bundle. He walked gratefully back to the crib and deposited the Potion's Master onto the cushion.

Harry threw the towel in the pile of dirty clothes and jumped back into bed. Snuggling under the covers, he again welcomed the cloud as he drifted away from the insanity his life had became.

Just as he was almost entirely enfolded in the arms of Morpheus, those god awful cries began again.

  
Harry groaned and mimicked Ron's earlier movement with his own pillow. Trying unsuccessfully to stuff the case into his ears. Ron himself sat up unsteadily in his own bed and gazed with hatred at the crib. "He can't _still _be hungry!"

A brilliant solution in the form of Dumbledore's voice floated through Harry's ears. _'Severus always reads a book before going to sleep.'_ "Try reading to him." Harry replied through the pillow.

"Me?" Ron's incredulous voice answered back. Harry snapped the pillow away from his face and glared at Ron.

"I've changed him. I've fed him. I've even burped him. **YOU **read to him!"

It must have been the look on Harry's face which made Ron grumble and stand up. Ron snatched one of the books out of the bag without examining it to intently. Harry sighed in relief and laid back down.

Ron meanwhile had drawn a chair to the side of the crib. At the site of Ron, Snape became silent. Ron gave him a funny look which said _'Now you shut up?'_

Muttering dark curses Ron pulled up the book-- and then gaped at the cover. Colored in a sickening scene of a bright blue sky with a Sun which smiled and waved at him. In the center of a large row of flowers swaying in an invisible breeze, was a white puppy with a black patch over his ear. It leapt around like it had gotten into an entire bowl of sugar. "Peppy the Happy Puppy?!" Ron felt sick at the title. "Merlin we're all doomed! He'll hex us to next Monday. Maybe I should read him something from the Potion book instead."

"Just read it!" The other three shouted back, clearly annoyed enough as it was. Ron rolled his eyes and winced as he turned to the first page.

"Just remember," he muttered to Snape, "Dumbledore gave it to us."

Snape blew a spit bubble.

"Alright then." Ron cleared his throat. "Peppy the Happy Puppy."

"Peppy was the happiest puppy in the world. Peppy loved to play." Ron groaned. "He really loved to play in the garden behind the Stevens' house."

Ron held the book out in Snape's pudgy round face. Another picture of Peppy happily bounding around the ankles of Mr. And Mrs. Stevens while they waved to Snape. "Here's a picture of the bloody dog." Ron muttered.

Snape laughed in response.

Ron nodded. "I think he's pretty stupid too."

"Ron…" Harry muttered from his bed.

"Right- right." Ron replied hesitantly before withdrawing the book and turning it's page.

"One day Mr. Paddlewagon-" Ron winced, "came by the house. Mr. Paddlewagon was a very nice man."

Ron snorted as he regarded the book. "Well they wouldn't make him a serial killer now would they?"

"_Ron_…" All three hissed at him.

Ron sighed before continuing, face contorted with disgust. "Peppy liked Mr.Paddlewagon very much." Ron again snorted. "Bet he liked to sniff his bum."

Harry's extra pillow collided with Ron's face. "Just read the stupid story Ron so that he goes to sleep or I'll go and get Hermione."

"Alright!" Ron growled back, tossing the pillow back at Harry. "So anyway-

Mr. Paddlewagon played Frisbee with Peppy. Peppy was very happy, just as Peppy should be. Then a very bad thing happened." Ron's eyes widened in hope, which quickly fell when he read the next few sentences. "Mr. Paddlewagon threw the Frisbee too far. Peppy, being a good puppy and a happy puppy, ran after it. Even when it flew into the garden Peppy loved."

Ron tore the book away from his face and thrust it to Snape. "Here's a picture of the stupid dog jumping into the bloody garden." Ron didn't bother to watch for Snape's reaction but pulled the book back- determined to get this entire ordeal over with as soon as possible.

"Peppy landed on the flowers. They flattened under Peppy. When Peppy saw his flowers he became very sad. Stupid Mutt. When the Stevens heard Peppy cry they ran out of their house."

Ron shoved the book again to Snape. "Dog's can't cry, but here's a picture of him wailing like you, Professor."

Snape again made no noises in response. Ron paused and turned to look down in the crib. Snape's eyes were closed, and his breathing had slowed. Ron frowned, certain it had to be a trick the Professor was playing on him. Ron's eyes glinted with an evil light as he closed the book shut. On a whim he added, "When the Stevens saw Peppy crying they became very afraid. The Stevens thought their dog had rabies. So they shot him. The End."

Snape made no movement to indicate he had heard of the dog's demise, but continued to breath softly. Ron nodded, satisfied that he truly was asleep and moved back to his bed. He crawled under the covers and was about to shut his eyes when a thought occurred to him.

"Hey Harry." Ron whispered to the boy across the room.

Harry, who was half asleep, muttered a groggy reply. "What?"

"If I ever lose my mind and decide I want kids- would you do me a favor?"

Harry, eyes shut and floating off, replied softly. "What?"

Ron leaned back into his bed to gaze up at the canopy. "Shoot _me_."

"Ok." Harry muttered just before sleep finally claimed him.

Ron sighed and closed his own eyes. He was just about to join Harry when Neville's trembling voice broke the silence. "Ron?"

Ron's eyes opened slowly and he groaned, "What Neville?"

"Peppy- he-he didn't really _die_ did he?"

The last sound in the room was the fluttering of the book as it flew through the air and collided with Neville's head.

*evil laughter* Before you ask or start threatening me for harm to animals, no Peppy doesn't _really _die in the book. I'm not quite sure what happens to him but believe me- I'm not that morbid. Also, Ron's comment about not being the 'brightest Galleon' it's just an expression :D I don't actually think Ron is stupid by any stretch. And, contrary to the way he's treated in this fic, he is one of my favorite characters.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and laughed just as much as the last. I had fun writing it! Remember I'm looking for those special Beta Readers. Also, ideas are welcomed. If you wish to archive this story at your own site I would be most honored. I only ask that you e-mail me (celestialsilence@mchsi.com) and let me know where it will be. So I can bookmark it and glow about it.

If you enjoyed this chapter (or are just joining us and reading the story for the first time) please review and let me know so that I will continue to write more in a timely fashion :D

Next Chapter: Going to class. Transfiguration, Divination, and Care of Magical Creatures. Woo-hoo. Hermione makes a trip to the library! Big surprise there eh? Plus, something startling is revealed about Baby Snape. Whatever could that be?? *EG*


	4. Foolish Wand Waving

Three Gryffindors and a Baby

By ::celeste::

Fanmail to celestialsilence@mchsi.com

Disclaimerness: I don't own Harry Potter (duh) that honour belongs to Rowling, the genius that she is. I'm just borrowing her people and locking them in little cages for my (and your?) amusement. I promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Well, Snape may need some serious counselling after this. Anyhoo I make not one penny off this story, and I don't even have a penny so it's quite pointless to sue. Thanks.

Summary: An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant. Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Rating for Ch. 4: Because of a certain _Innuendo_ (pure humour on my part- or attempt thereof) regarding Trelawney, and the curse words of D**n & H**l from Ron, I am upping the rating of Ch. 4 to **PG-13**. So if you are under the age of 13, ask mummy and daddy to edit it for ya- ok ^.^ I figure PG-13 should be alright because of Shrek….which just had TONS of innuendos in it. _(Think he's overcompensating for something?)_

Dedication: To Kayla, my cousin Rhonda's daughter, who is the most adorable little thing alive. And yes, I am a bit biased about that ^.^ Also to Rowling- hoping her current pregnancy is a wonderful experience.

Special Thanks: My eternal gratitude to my four Beta Readers: Kerguelen, Aemos, Ms. Prongs, and Sharon. Without whom, this story would be filled with too many errors to count. Also to the reviewers, who make it all worth my while.

Special Note: I've been told this story has inspired a few to draw Fan Art. Please, send anything you draw to me!! I would **love **to see it :D

Also, Sharon has informed me that the term for pacifier is dummy, and a stroller is pushchair. ^.- FYI for any who should need it.

****

Chapter 4

Foolish Wand Waving

Harry, Ron, and Hermione blinked their heavy eyes several times. Snape had woken up a total of three times throughout the course of that first night. Harry and Ron tended to him the best they could, but he still succeeded in depriving most of the Gryffindors of sleep. Slytherins kept laughing at them, especially when Harry walked into one of the suits of armor- causing it to topple over on top of him.

This time, Ron carried Snape on his back as the three made their way to Transfigurations. Hermione had given Snape another toy- this one similar to a Muggle Yo-Yo. Instead of working with a string, the ball flew out and was repelled back with magic. It probably hadn't been the brightest idea that she'd ever had, because Snape kept flinging it towards students who walked by. He had already knocked Colin Creevey in the head as the boy tried to get a picture. Fred had taken him to the infirmary.

They yawned as they took their seats in McGonagall's Transfiguration class. The woman lifted her eyebrow and deposited a brown package tied with string in front of Harry. "More supplies." She clarified before taking Snape from Hermione.

She lifted him high. "Well," she began as she eyed the baby in front of her- taking in his frown with a bemused expression on her face, "still in a bad mood- are we? There weren't many of us who terribly missed your presence at the staff meeting." Snape sneered and bobbed his head to the side. McGonagall shook her own head and walked over to a playpen which had been placed near her desk at the front of the room. She laid him inside and added a fuzzy werewolf doll to occupy himself with.

It had to be the first time Ron and Harry had been just as excited as Hermione about going to Transfigurations class. Now free of Snape for the moment (although they were informed that it was still their responsibility to attend to his needs) they dove into their assignment of transforming mittens into squirrels, and then back again. Ron's head kept dancing mercilessly close to the pile in front of him- until McGonagall snapped for him to wake up.

Hermione finished her own pile quickly and took the opportunity to read up on her Arithmancy. Harry kept trying to catch the squirrels, which managed to scamper away from him, along with the other half of the class. Although Neville's were much easier to grab a hold of. His squirrels had a single finger of cloth sticking up from their foreheads.

When McGonagall left to fetch some supplies for the class of forth years she had next, Draco stood up and sauntered over to Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Seamus' table. Shadowed- of course- by Crabbe and Goyle.

"Rough night Potter?" He asked as he picked up one of Neville's botched mittens. It chattered angrily at him.

"Leave me alone Malfoy." Harry replied, plucking the squirrel-mitt from Draco and handing it back to Neville who sat behind him. "I'm in no mood this morning."

Ron muttered something about Puppies and Shotguns as he snored into the pile of mittens.

Draco smiled viciously in reply. "Of course not Potter. I can imagine that Professor Snape made sure you paid for your incompetence in his classroom- all of your incompetence."

"Shut up and sit down Malfoy." Harry growled back. Malfoy opened his mouth to say something, when one of Seamus' squirrels exploded.

Ron snapped his head up. "Got him!" He cried before blinking his eyes and turning his head towards the smoke. "Oh- only you Seamus."

"I can't do it!" Seamus exclaimed angrily as he smashed his wand down onto the table.

"Cheer up Seamus." Ron replied, slapping him on the back in encouragement. "You'll get the hang of it soon enough."

"Or blow up the entire school trying." Malfoy sneered in return. He reached down and lifted Seamus' wand off the table- flexing it between his fingers. "I wonder why Dumbledore ever let a Squib like you come to Hogwarts in the first place."

Harry slammed his fists on the desk as he jumped out of his seat. "Watch your stinking mouth and take it back."

Malfoy smiled. "Never."

"Why you-" Harry growled and reached his arm out towards his blonde rival. Ron managed to take hold of him this time and he forced Harry back into his seat just as McGonagall strolled back in. She took one look at the scene and cleared her throat.

"Back to your seats young men!" She snapped angrily. "Five points from Slytherin each."

Draco frowned and glared at Harry before making his way back to their table. Before he sat down, he tossed Seamus' wand from his hand. Right towards Snape's play pen.

Snape, who had busied himself by smashing the head of his werewolf between the wooden bars, paused as the wand landed next to him. He dropped the werewolf plush to the side, forgotten. Snape smiled in glee as he regarded his new toy, and took it happily into his fingers.

"Professor McGonagall," Seamus waited for their Professor to turn to him, "Draco took my wand."

She snapped her head towards the three Slytherins. "Return Mr. Finnegan's wand at once, Mr. Malfoy."

"I don't have it Professor." Draco replied, holding up his empty hands for her to see. McGonagall narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

"Where is it?"

Draco shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe it blew up."

Several of the other Slytherins snickered at this as Seamus' face flushed a deep red. Hermione's eyes left her book and gazed around the room. "Professor McGonagall," she began as she spotted Seamus' mahogany wand in Snape's hands, "Professor Snape has it."

McGonagall turned towards the playpen and sighed. She walked quickly over towards the pen while speaking to Draco. "How did Snape come to posses it Mr. Malfoy?"

Draco shrugged again. "Not a clue, Professor."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow sceptically and leaned over the side of the pen. Snape eyed her warily and clutched the wand tighter in his fingers as he fell onto his back. "Severus- the wand please." She asked as she reached out to pluck it from his grasp.

Snape began to tear up.

"Oh come now." She snapped angrily. "Give it here."

"He doesn't understand Professor." Hermione answered- angry with McGonagall for the first time ever. "He's only a baby."

"I can see the state of Professor Snape, Miss Granger. I assure you- I am not quite blind." McGonagall answered, head tilted to the side in surprise at Hermione's outburst.

Snape glanced back and forth at the two for several moments, the tears slowly making their way down his face. It was quite clear to everyone in the classroom he did not want to give up this new toy.

"Maybe you should ask Malfoy to get it from him." Ron began, a smile on his face. "He's used to stealing from babies."

"What was that Weasley!" Draco shouted back.

McGonagall turned around and drew her arms together in front of her chest angrily. "Mr. Weasley- apologize this instance. Honestly, I'm beginning to wonder if this entire class room is filled with infants the way you are all behaving toda---"

McGonagall never had the chance to finish her sentence because her feet slowly began to leave the ground. The class watched- wide eyed with astonishment- as she continued to rise higher and higher into the air. She clasped her hands around savagely, trying to grasp hold of anything to bring her back down.

Harry gaped open mouthed as she then began to shoot across the room. Back and forth she flew as if riding on top of his Nimbus Two-Thousand. Except there was no broom under her control.

McGonagall screamed out in terror as she almost collided with a wall- turning the second before hitting and flying towards the other wall across the room. Everyone had their heads tilted backwards- turning from side to side as they watched her bolt around.

****

"GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!! GET ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!!!" McGonagall shrieked in horror before covering her head with her arms as she flew towards the window- only to zoom back towards the ceiling a second later.

Harry heard the unmistakable giggle of Snape and his head snapped back down. His eyes drifted towards the crib to a sight he couldn't believe. Uttering no spells or incantations- was Snape who only laughed with glee as he watched McGonagall fly through the air. His arm waving the wand back and forth with no particular pattern.

Hagrid's voice rang out in Harry's mind. _'Ever do anything you couldn't explain? Anything when you were scared or angry?'_

"It's Snape!" Harry exclaimed to Hermione as he jumped over his table and raced towards the playpen where Snape was still waving the wand back and forth. Harry leaned over the side and wretched it out of his grasp. As soon as Snape's hand was disconnected from the wand, McGonagall stopped mid-air.

"Uh-oh." Ron muttered.

She fell and crashed right on top of Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. The four thrashed around for a few moments- McGonagall's stocking clad legs kicked furiously over the top of the table before she managed to catch a chair and haul herself to a standing position.

Crabbe and Goyle soon followed, pulling Malfoy to his feet. McGonagall shook her head a few times- one of Goyle's squirrels caught in the bun on top of her hair and buried itself deeper into it. She straightened her glasses- and glared right towards the crib. She began to shake with anger and pointed a finger towards Harry- who now held Snape. Snape began to cry at the top of his lungs.

"All three of you get--- get--- get---- **_him _**out of here!! Right now!! And don't come back!" She continued to shake with fury- her face red- as she attempted to pull the squirrel away from her head. Harry walked over to Seamus, returned his wand, and then walked out the door.

Hermione and Ron stood wordlessly and grabbed their books before following Harry and Snape from the room.

Once out in the hall, Harry placed Snape back into the carrier Ron had strapped onto his back. Snape continued to wail with fury. Hermione carefully smoothed Snape's hair down before placing a dummy into his mouth. Snape tried to refuse it the first few times- but by the third accepted it quietly and began to suck on it.

Harry stood motionless for a few minutes- regarding Snape carefully. Snape glared back and narrowed his large black eyes. Slowly a smile etched its way across Harry's face.

"Foolish wand waving Professor?"

Snape -to Harry's great surprise- smiled back around the dummy. Harry patted his head a few times, before stepping next to a grinning Ron and a furious Hermione.

"That was bloody brilliant!" Ron exclaimed as the trio made it's way towards the trap door of the Divination classroom. "Seeing old McGonagall zooming around like that! Simply Marvellous! Wonder how he did it! Wouldn't mind trying that with Trelawney sometime."

"Hagrid once told me you don't need an incantations for magic. As much as I hate to say this, Snape is pretty powerful." Harry replied, matching Ron's long strides. "And he was really upset when she wanted to take away the wand."

"That was still a very difficult spell. To levitate a person around like that?" Hermione muttered, gazing at Snape. "And at his size?"

"He must still have some of his power." Ron added. "Enough to do that. Better be more careful around him- that means no spanking. I was hoping I'd get to spank him." His face fell.

Hermione's mouth fluttered furiously a few times before she could speak, "Ronald Weasley! Your not serious are you! Spanking a baby!!"

Ron waved his hand. "No- not a baby. Snape. Spanking Snape. A jolly good one too. Considered asking Mum for the family paddle."

"He's a baby!!" Hermione shrieked.

Ron shrugged. "Ya, got a point there. Damn. I was really looking forward to that."

Hermione stopped in front of the two of them. Anger etched in every line of her face. "I've got to go to the library, I want to read up on Aging potions to see if I can figure something out. So, if you two try anything with him…" her face drew conspiratorially closer, "I'll hex you both to spit out slugs."

Ron shivered as that unpleasant memory flowed through him. "Alright- best behavior. I promise."

Harry nodded vigorously. "Promise."

Hermione eyed them before turning around and making her way towards the library, her second home.

Ron turned towards Harry. "She's really starting to take a liking to him too. Isn't she?"

Harry shrugged. "After McGonagall, I'm starting to take a liking to him. At least like this. Well, don't want to wipe his arse again mind you."

Ron nodded. "Ya, I understand. Whose turn is it next anyway?"

"Yours."

"Bloody hell."

The smell of Trelawney's classroom made them both wince as the incense wafted around their faces. Ron unbuckled the carrier and removed Snape, glancing around the room for the playpen. "Where's that blasted thing at?" He mumbled.

Harry joined him and shrugged. "Don't see one. Let's just lay him on the table. Maybe we'll be able to get out of a reading."

"Alright." Ron replied before taking a seat, waiting for Harry to sit before depositing Snape on the table next to the crystal ball. Snape floundered about on his stomach for a few moments before spitting out the dummy. Harry and Ron glanced at each other.

"Better give him something else." Harry muttered.

Ron dug through the bag and withdrew a plastic hammer, which he passed along to Snape. Snape gladly snatched it and began to smack the table in front of him. It let out a squeak every time he bashed it down. "Destructive little bugger, ain't he?"

Harry nodded and soon the class began to fill with the other students who took their seats around the room. Parvati and Lavender threw wistful glances towards Snape, which he responded to with snarls.

The story of McGonagall's fate quickly fluttered through the room, and each student gazed at their own wands- considering whether to 'accidentally' deposit it next to Snape once Trelawney wandered out of whatever shadow she was hiding in.

It was no secret that Snape despised Trelawney even more than McGonagall. McGonagall he often fought with over Quidditch matches. Trelawney he hated just because she taught the most _'preposterous art of divination'_ which according to Snape was tantamount to a _'silly excuse to drink tea all day long and stare at your own image. Better to have been taught by that git Lockhart.' _He had also informed them that Trelawney had predicted his own death daily for twelve years. _'Today will be a most horrible day for you Severus, I fear to say I have seen that you will be leaving us.' _To which Snape usually waved his hand and stalked away muttering about crazy old hags wearing too much make-up and jewellery. Harry was glad he wasn't the only person to have been singled out.

Harry and Ron also hated Divination, although Harry had at one time witnessed the only occasion Trelawney had actually made a successful prediction.

Trelawney soon seeped into the room and gazed around at them with glazed eyes. Ron often whispered his suspicions to Harry that incense wasn't the only thing she burned before class.

"Welcome back my young seers." Trelawney hummed to them. "Today we are joined by one of my colleagues. I regret to say I tried to warn him before that the 26th of September would be the day a disaster would strike him." She sighed before continuing. "He, unfortunately, disregarded my warning and owled back to leave him alone. I am, of course, giving a censored version of his message. He also threatened to poison my stock of tea leaves." She shook her head sadly. "He has always been most un-appreciative of the inner eye. I- of course- knew he would not be able to full fill his threat."

Ron leaned closer to Harry. "I hope we aren't reading tea leaves today."

Harry nodded enthusiastically.

Trelawney continued. "We shall all be attempting to for-see our futures with chicken bones. Divination by casting bones is a very ancient art dating back to pre-Roman era. It is well known that the demise of Julius Caesar was foretold in the bones. He, too," she threw a glance at Snape, "was hesitant to take the warning of the Ides of March. We all know the result of that mistake."

She withdrew a purple velvet pouch and stepped towards the table set up in the middle of the room. She shook it a few times before throwing the contents on a table. Several of the bones rolled around or flipped before coming to a stand still. She gazed at them for a few moments before shaking her head. "I fear I have another prediction for Professor Snape."

Snape at that moment knocked the toy hammer into the crystal ball beside him. It let out a long squeak.

"Oh dear- I see more eminent disasters ahead of him. Here," She pointed to a wing bone which stood at a horizontal position to the skull, "this bone indicates a great struggle of the mind. I am aware that they are trying to find a way to reverse his situation." She studied the bones for a few more minutes. "I am afraid to inform you, Severus, that they will not be successful."

Squeak.

"Yes, most disappointing news, Severus. I know many here will sorely miss your knowledge with Potions."

Several of the students looked to each other and shook their heads. Snape smacked the hammer and snarled towards Trelawney.

"Now, before we all try to determine the fates- please pass in the assignment from our last class."

Ron sighed and pulled out his parchment. When Trelawney came to their table, she regarded the parchment for several moments. "Another unfortunate accident, Mr. Weasley." She lifted her eyebrow.

"The baby ate it." He pointed towards Snape. Trelawney gazed down at Snape for several moments, regarding the drool hanging from his mouth.

"Ah yes, much as I saw. I must admit- the site of Severus chewing on it from the clouds in my gaze confused me at the time. The things we view in the ball are often not clearly defined to the reader until they happen."

Ron rolled his eyes and she collected Harry's before moving on.

"Now, please pass these pouches along. Shake them in the same manner- and then attempt to read your destinies." She handed a box of pouches to Neville- who took one and sent it to the next person sitting beside him.

When Ron and Harry finally received their own, they each shook them violently. "C'mon lucky seven." Harry muttered to the bag. Ron gazed at him quizzically before they both let them loose onto the table.

Snape watched the bones bouncing around and smiled impishly. "Gaaaa." He cried out before reaching for the nearest one.

"Oh no you don't." Harry placed the hammer back into his hand. "Play with this instead."

"It's creepy how much he likes parts of dead things." Ron muttered. "Eyes, bones, tongues, livers, hearts."

Harry nodded as Snape began to beat the hammer onto the bones. Ron pulled out his book and flipped through it's pages. Soon he pointed to one of the bones on the table. "Upside down wish bone. Bad sign Harry old boy. You're going to have---" Snape had smacked the wishbone and it flipped right side up, "never mind. Now you're going to have a very large financial gain in your future. Hey Snape, hit mine too!"

And so it went for the duration of the class. Harry and Ron continued to read their bones- which Snape continued to hammer at and change their outcome- sometimes for the better. Mostly for the worse though. Ron even began a game to see who Snape decided should have the better life out of the two of them. To Ron's surprise, or lack there-of depending on how you look at it, Harry ended up being eternally doomed. Destined to die by either an enemy's hand- or a badger. At least- Ron thought it read badger.

"Never liked badgers anyway." Harry muttered.

Trelawney reached their table and gazed down at Harry's pile. "Oh dear." She muttered.

"Is it a badger?" Ron asked gleefully.

Trelawney shook her head. "No my dear boy, it is the Grim!" She clasped her hands in dread and leaned down closer to the table, her head now mere inches from Snape.

"Are you sure?" Ron asked, looking at it. "Swore it was a badger."

"Ya, don't you think the Grim is a little over used by now?" Harry asked. Just then Snape hit the bone beside it. Snape turned to Trelawney- smirk on his face.

"Oh dear. Now I'm afraid the reading is completely useless." She murmured dreamily. "I'll have to mark off points."

"What?? C'mon! We didn't do that!"

Trelawney shrugged her shoulders. "I'm sorry boys." Harry turned to take the hammer away from Snape when he noticed that Snape had dropped it and was eyeing something more fascinating to him. He kept reaching out towards Trelawney's ear. "Yes, bones are only done right with the first toss." She continued- oblivious to Snape's movements. A light shake of her head showed Harry what Snape was eyeing- a golden earring.

Harry remained very silent, but shouldered Ron and darted his eyes towards Snape.

Before Trelawney moved her head up, Snape's fingers had snatched her earring and began to tug. She grimaced in pain and instinctively moved her head closer to him. "Oww!" She gasped.

Snape continued to tug at it, trying with small amount of strength he had to remove the object from her. Trelawney quickly jerked her head back up. Unfortunately, the sudden movement caused the earring to tear out of her ear, and was left in Snape's hand. Her eyes watered as blood began to run down her neck.

"Professor Trelawney!" Parvati and Lavender cried out, rushing to get a tissue for her. The next instant Ron had frozen the end of it with an ice spell and handed it to her. She winced as she placed it against her ear.

"Class is dismissed." She muttered before going down the trap door and move off to the infirmary. But not before snatching her earring back from Snape.

"Guess the crystal ball didn't show her that." Ron whispered to Harry, who was hiding a smile behind his hand.

Hermione grinned at their tale of Trelawney's mishap as she fed Snape. Ron ducked as another sauce missle flew towards his head. "She should know better than to wear jewellery around a baby." Hermione stated as she thrust the spoon into Snape's mouth. Most of it ended up on the tray.

"No kidding. Anyone seen McGonagall?" He asked, taking a bite from his sandwich.

Neville leaned towards them. "McGonagall ended up digging that squirrel out of her hair for the rest of class. She was practically spitting nails."

Collin, who had hidden himself behind Angelina Johnson, nodded. "Trelawney's ear is better. I saw her as I left the infirmary."

"She didn't ban us from class." Ron said and frowned. He turned to Snape. "Try to make it the whole ear next time."

Snape swallowed some of the fruit.

"Don't encourage him Ron." Hermione smiled and winked. She also hated Trelawney.

"Did you find out anything?" Harry asked, motioning to the pile of books in front of her.

"Nothing yet." She replied. "OOoohhh! Look at the dragon Sevvy! It's coming down for a landing!" She sang, waving the spoon about before plopping it into his mouth.

"Better make that McGonagall." Ron remarked before he took a sip from his pumpkin juice.

Hermione pressed the pushchair forward as they walked towards Hagrid's hut where they would be having the Care of Magical Creatures class. The sun was shinning brightly despite the slight autumn chill in the air.

Hermione had dressed Snape in a white long-sleeved shirt covered by bright yellow overalls bearing a strange purple Dragon on the front that danced around. "Blarney the Dragon!" Ron had shouted in disgust.

Snape's head was covered with a yellow hat that had a fuzzy ball on the top. They had also given him a pair of boots to wear over his feet.

Ron and Harry had dissuaded her from attempting to put a tiny pair of mittens over his hands. Neither were able to take any more of Hermione's antics inspired by Snape's _'adorable attire.'_

Snape himself was not very happy with the entire outfit. He kept trying to tug his hat off, but was unable to fully manage it. Hermione quietly tutted him with each attempt.

When they walked up towards the back of Hagrid's hut, they saw the half-giant leaning over several sets of crates. All three instantly flinched- wondering what kind of monsters Hagrid had in store for them today.

He continued to busy himself until he saw them approaching. He clasped his hands together in delight as he regarded the pushchair. "Is that the little tyke now!" He exclaimed, excitement beaming from his eyes.

Harry and Ron turned and smiled at each other. Hermione lifted Snape out of the pushchair and held him out for Hagrid to inspect.

He gazed at Snape for several minutes before shaking his head in wonder. "Looks just like 'emself don't he?! Look at those eyes! If they aren't the cutest things I ever seen in me life I'll eat Dumbledore's beard!" He held his arms out longingly. "Let me hold 'em Hermione."

Hermione regarded Hagrid for several moments. Clearly debating it in her head. They all knew Hagrid was a 'gentle-giant', but this was a baby Snape. And given the incidents with the other teachers- well- she just wasn't very certain. However, the way he kept hopping from one foot to the other made Hermione give in.

Hagrid took Snape and held him closely. "Aww! I never knew Professor! I never knew! I remember he was a fairly good kid when he was here all those years ago. Well, maybe a little off to himself."

"You knew Professor Snape when he was a student?" Ron asked incredulously. Hagrid nodded.

"Yep, I did Ron. Known yer dad too Harry. 'Course ya already knew that." He smiled at Harry before returning to Snape. "Let's sit on the bench o'er there. Discuss bits."

Harry regarded the rest of the students. "What about them?"

"Oh." Hagrid replied, clearly having forgotten this was his class in the excitement. "Right. You all! All ye gotta do is take the cubs out 'o the boxes and place them into their pens. Then feed 'em a bit 'o that meat o'er there. Careful now- they're teething."

"Aren't you going to show us how!!" Malfoy called back, inching away from one of the crates as it shook.

"It's pretty simple Mr. Malfoy! If yer worried about it, wear yer gloves!"

Malfoy visibly swallowed as he opened the crate. Harry heard him scream in terror. Draco then slowly backed away- ordering Crabbe and Goyle to take over as they all sat down.

"Um, Hagrid, what's in the crates?" Harry asked, eyeing the other students who were shaking out of their boots.

"Oh, just a few things I ordered from the Bestiary near Moonflow. Lucky we are to get 'em too. Centycores are hard beasts to get yer hands on this time 'o year. Won't be ready to talk for a while though." Harry watched with an open mouth as Crabbe and Goyle yanked one of _the _strangest creatures he had ever seen from the crate. It had the legs of a lion, hooves of a horse, elephantine ears, and a ten point antler sticking out of the middle of it's head. The thing which drew the most attention- however- was it's bear-like muzzle that had a huge mouth. "There ya are Goyle! Oh, watch the antler! Ah, they got it under control. Now, about Professor Snape when he came to school here."

Hagrid rubbed his chin thoughtfully for a few moments. Harry heard another student scream as one of the Centycores got out of his hands and charged. "Well, see now, he was a slight 'o a thing. Very quiet most of the time. Kept to 'imself. Knew loads about almost everythin' though. I used to catch 'em out at night picking various plants for one 'o his projects. Never 'ad the 'eart to turn 'im in." Hagrid glanced down at Snape who yawned. "Absolutely 'ated your father though Harry. Bit jealous I s'pose, James was the star Quidditch player at the time. Severus was a beater for Slytherin, but never got the same attention. He and Black also locked horns quite a few times. Nasty temper both of 'em."

"Snape played Quidditch!" Harry asked, astounded.

"Well sure he did 'arry." Hagrid replied. "He referees now sometimes when Hooch can't."

Harry nodded. That made sense. "Was he good?"

Hagrid nodded. "A bit on the mean side with the bat- if ye ask me. But no one could say he didn't deserve to be on the team. Kept the Bludgers off his people and sent 'em to the other teams. Fine player."

At that moment Snape's face contorted and he began to wail. Hagrid smiled down and motioned for the bag. Harry complied, and watched as the half-giant quickly mixed some formula together in a bottle and popped it into Snape's mouth.

"He just ate!" Hermione exclaimed. Hagrid shrugged his shoulders.

"They sometimes need a bit more, 'Mione. Growth spurts and all." Hagrid nodded. "Not too much though- or he will get an ache. Not good they are." Hagrid continued to feed him for a few minutes longer until he pulled the bottle away and placed it back in the bag. He then began to burp him.

"Maybe Snape should stay here with you." Ron added slyly. Hagrid turned to him as Snape let out a particularly long belch.

"Now Ron. This is your job. I'm just helping out a little. Wise man that Dumbledore." Hagrid nodded.

Harry looked up in time to see Draco strutting across the yard towards them. For a moment, Harry was worried that Draco would end up complaining he had his head bit off- or something more absurd. To his surprise however, he only stared at Hagrid (who was at eye-level with Malfoy standing while he remained sitting) for a few moments. "Hagrid-" Draco began. "Since I'm finished can I hold the Professor?"

Hermione leapt out of her seat and was about to tackle Malfoy for even suggesting it when Ron pulled her firmly back down. Harry eyed Draco suspiciously, but said nothing. Hagrid beamed. "Why sure ye can Draco!"

He happily handed Snape over to Draco- who took him awkwardly at first before adjusting Snape till he was facing him. Snape blinked at him a few times before smirking. Draco smirked back. It was a Slytherin moment that made Ron and Harry want to gag. "I see he's still in good health. Lucky for you Potter."

"What did you think I was going to do to him Draco? Toss him out the window?"

Still holding his Potions Master, Draco sat next to them on a stump which stuck out of the ground a foot. He placed Snape on his knee- still facing towards him. Draco continued to examine Snape's state of health.

"Had my doubts." Draco replied. "Parkinson has been pretty unhappy that Dumbledore placed him with the three of you. He _should _be with Slytherins where he belongs. Not with thickheaded Gryffindors."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Ya, then he'd just have to worry about getting stabbed in the back."

"Whatever Weasley. Point is, not a very smart thing of Dumbledore, then again--" Draco was about to continue when he caught the look of anger flash in Hagrid's eyes. "Oh, never mind. You know what I mean anyway."

Draco sighed at Snape. "Look at what they've done to you Professor. You were absolutely right about them."

Snape's cheeks bulged out for a moment and Draco tilted his blonde head to the side. "Maybe he's going to say something? Like get me out of that two-bit, flea ridden, Gryffindor hou--"

What remained of the formula was then promptly regurgitated from Snape's mouth onto Draco's face.

Draco blinked.

Snape blinked.

Then Draco practically threw Snape back to Hermione, stood up, and turned on his heel- not even bothering to strut as he ran for the infirmary. Wiping his face and cursing the entire way.

The entire class burst into laughter. Even Crabbe and Goyle joined in.

"Guess you were right 'Mione." Hagrid howled. "It was a little too much!"

Authors Notes: ^.- Ok, had some troubles with this chapter. How does one adequately describe the site of primp and strict McGonagall zooming around the room? Or Draco getting puked on (_Special thanks _to Kerguelen who suggested Snape 'spitting up' if the Boys overfed him. I thought it would be more humorous if it happened to Draco)?

Well, hope this fic is still making you chortle, chuckle, and laugh. Reviews make it all worth my time *hint hint--wink wink*. Thanks to everyone who continues to point out my errors. I admit, I forgot about Dean. He'll have to *magically* appear in the next Common Room scene. Also thanks to all who quote fave lines and scenes. I like to know what made you all laugh ^.- I do aim to please.

To Risi: I hope that you feel better soon!

Padfoot Rocks: Asked if I wrote Peppy the Happy Puppy or took it from a book- I wrote it. Not the finest piece of literature I've ever done, but then again it wasn't supposed to be :D

To Katzztar: Why didn't they use the repairo charm? I forgot about it. *sweat drop* Erm..no you don't want to hear that- you want to hear- because it adds to the story, right? Um…ya…

To Fyrie: … Nappies and Dumbies? I had no idea. So you all know, I'm from the US. I do the best with British (and Irish) slang I can, but ultimately fail. I've enlisted the help of a British Beta Reader, hopefully that will help out with some of the terminology.

As to Nicolette who suggested I do some Snape POV-- I took that under heavy consideration, but honestly a baby doesn't really seem to have too many coherent thoughts to adequately do that. It would be like… "I'm hungry….I have to go potty….I have to burp….I have to play…Oooo shiney thingy…." and so forth. Although- I'll admit, Snape seems to have hidden agendas at times (ie making Ron's life rough, smirking at Draco). But only as much as his baby self will allow. There will be time for horrified and humiliating introspection when he turns back. Sorry Severus…I do love you…honestly….

Special Shout out to all who offered to Beta Read for me!! So hard deciding! I just picked the first that e-mailed. I'm so very honored this story makes you all crack up ^.-

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Next Chapter: That startling revelation I mentioned before about Snape. (No- him playing Quidditch wasn't it). Couldn't fit everything I wanted to in this chapter. Also, we find out who is replacing Snape to teach Potions. Didn't think I forgot that did ya? A little hint:

I solemnly swear I am up to no good!

OK, that was a big hint…


	5. Voldemort's Pipeline

**Three Gryffindors and a Baby**  
By ::celeste::  
Fanmail to celestialsilence@mchsi.com

Disclaimerness: I don't own Harry Potter (duh) that honour belongs to Rowling, the genius that she is. I'm just borrowing her people and locking them in little cages for my (and your?) amusement. I promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Well, Snape may need some serious counselling after this. Anyhoo I make not one penny off this story, and I don't even have a penny so it's quite pointless to sue. Thanks.

Summary: An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant. Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Dedication: To Kayla, my cousin Rhonda's daughter, who is the most adorable little thing alive. And yes, I am a bit biased about that ^.^ Also to Rowling- hoping her current pregnancy is a wonderful experience.

Special Thanks: My eternal gratitude to my four Beta Readers: Kerguelen, Aemos, Ms. Prongs, and Sharon. Without whom, this story would be filled with too many errors to count. Also to the reviewers, who make it all worth my while.

Special Note: I've been told this story has inspired a few to draw Fan Art. Please, send anything you draw to me!! I would **love **to see it :D

Slang:  
Nappies = Diapers

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Chapter 5  
Voldemort's Pipe-line

It was very unsettling how quickly one could grow accustomed to an outrageous situation. It must have something to do with survival of the fittest- being able to adapt quickly to the environment. Or maybe some unknown deity had chosen to bless Harry with inhuman amounts of patience. Whatever the reason was, Harry found himself less likely to take a leap from the Astronomy Tower that morning. Avoiding the missiles and trading pumpkin juice for stronger caffinated substitutes was quickly becoming an absurd familiarity.

Hermione had coped the best out of them all. Her mess of hair currently situated above the latest book she'd acquired from the library. She droned her eyes mechanically over the hundreds of potions- trying to find some mention of the amazing transformation their cruel Potions Master had gone through. Even the fact that she had cared for him during the night didn't seem to quash her exuberant curiosity.

Ron on the other hand was having the most trouble. Even now as he attempted to shove some type of crème coloured mush into Snape's mouth- his growing agitation was as plain to read as any howler.

"Will you just swallow it!" Ron cried out in vain, trying to shove the golden spoon through Snape's clenched jaw. "Look- it can't be all that bad. I know it's not up to your regular steak bit, but c'mon Professor! The sooner you stop spraying it all over the Great Hall the sooner I can eat!"

Harry sighed and took another bite of his eggs. A thought occurred to him suddenly- he had Practice today and a game tomorrow! He had almost totally forgotten about it, which was unusual to say the least. "Hey Hermione, Ron-- I've got practice on the Pitch today. Do you think that you two could look after him without me?"

"Actually Harry," Hermione began as she flipped to another page, "I was thinking Ron and I could take Snape out to the stands and let him watch."

A wide smile spread it's way across Ron's face. "That's a brilliant suggestion Hermione."

"I don't know…" Harry glanced towards Snape. "I'm starting to think that we can't take him anywhere."

Hermione yanked her nose from the book and regarded Harry for several uncomfortable minutes. "I think it would be good for him to get out of this stuffy old castle. A baby should be exposed to different sights and sounds- the Great Wizard Spock even mentions that- he was an expert on care and development for magical children. Read his books the other night."

Ron rolled his eyes. "C'mon Harry. Hermione and I won't let him out of our sites- I promise!"

Harry sighed and pushed his plate away since his appetite suddenly went out the window. "I guess."

Just as Hermione and Ron exchanged victory grins a great beating of wings befell the Hall. Harry looked upward just in time to catch the letter one of the school owl's dropped for him. Hermione and Ron leaned in closer to peer at his letter, which had a large black paw stamped on the back of the envelope.

"Sirius." Ron hissed to Harry. Snape's face contorted at the name and he banged his hands on the tray- forcing Ron to turn his attention away and back towards the impossible task of feeding the Professor.

Harry tore the envelope open with excitement, and yanked the parchment out. Unfolding it, he saw the tell-tale scribbling of his God Father.

Dear Harry-

I hope this letter finds you well. Dumbledore told Remus all about Snape's little 'incident'. We both had a good chuckle over the news- believe me. Well, we would have found out eventually anyway, because it's Front Page news at the Daily Prophet. I guess Dumbledore's making sure that You-Know-Who is aware of Snape's current predicament so that his absence will go unpunished.

Well I hope that greasy bastard isn't giving you kids too hard of a time. I can only imagine the horror of having to baby-sit that hooked-nose, two bit, lying, son-of-a (a line of black ink covers the rest of the sentence)

Sorry, Remus yanked the quill out of my hands. Back to the reason I'm writing to you, other than the ability to insult Snape on parchment, is to mention that I'll be arriving at Hogwarts. Probably already be there by the time you read this. I have to wear my furs while I'm there- you understand why. But I'm really looking forward to seeing you again Harry! And to laughing at Snape in person… or a close proximity there-of.

Oh, Remus says hi and that he'll be visiting too!

All my love,

SB

P.S. Don't let that Bastard get you down!

Sirius is coming! Sirius is coming! Were the only thoughts running through Harry's head for several minutes.

Hermione- finishing up the letter over Harry's shoulder- smiled. "Looks like Snuffles is coming for a visit!"

"No kidding!" Ron smiled. "That's great."

"And Professor Lupin too! It'll be so nice seeing him again, won't it Harry?" Hermione closed the advanced potions text and beamed.

Harry nodded enthusiastically before draining the rest of his coffee. "I wonder when they'll be here?"

"Sounds like you'll see Snuffles by the end of the day. Oh, c'mon you guys, we've got Double Potions in ten minutes."

"It's not cancelled?" Ron asked, jerking the tray up and grumbling about not finishing his meal. "I don't think Professor Snape is up to doing any lectures."

Hermione shrugged. "Dumbledore hasn't said otherwise. He's probably arranged for a substitute." She shrugged on the carrier and waited for Ron to load Snape onto her back. "Maybe I can finish up the assignment quickly and work on some theories."

Harry barely heard any of the conversation. He was too excited about Sirius coming to the castle. Even Snape's glare couldn't deter his good mood as they exited the Great Hall with happy gazes.

They reached the Dungeons a few minutes early and left Snape on Hermione's back while they prepared their cauldrons. Inquisitive whispers fluttered through the room wondering who would be replacing Snape to teach. Snape himself seemed much happier to be back in his classroom and reached out towards several pickled jars.

"No! Bad Snape!" Ron hissed as he slapped Snape's hand away. "The last thing we need is for you to try and brew up some poison."

Hermione glared at Ron before removing Snape and holding him against her shoulder. "He's right, Professor. You'll only get hurt if you try to play with anything in here." Snape whimpered a few times before relenting to Hermione's soothing pats.

Harry finished propping the cauldron up on his desk and turned towards the classroom door. Even in his excited haze he couldn't help but wonder who would be substituting for Snape.

He didn't have to wait long for an answer. The door opened and the entire class gasped in shock.

Professor Remus Lupin, looking just as cheerful in his tattered old robes as ever, strode in followed closely by a giant black dog.

Harry's mouth hung agape as his godfather pranced over and wagged his tail in greeting.

"Good Morning everyone!" Lupin called out as he strode over to Hermione. "Could you please hand Professor Snape over?"

Hermione blinked several times before smiling brightly. She presented Snape to Lupin- whose eyes danced with merriment. Snuffles gave several funny wheezes that Harry swore was laughter. "Good Morning Severus!" He grinned evilly. "I hope that you will excuse me for encroaching on your territory here. But Dumbledore did seem quite desperate."

Even though Harry would have never dreamt it possible- Snape hissed in reply.

"Fair enough. I promise not to ruin the classroom while your- ah- indisposed. Now, I've had a special little swing brought in just for you. I thought you might enjoy it." He carried Snape over to the side of Snape's podium where a baby swing hung mid-air. Lupin secured him inside before motioning to Sirius. "If you'd please Snuffles?"

Sirius pranced happily over to the back of the swing before lowering his canine head. He then proceeded to 'butt' Snape several times until their usual Potions Master was flying back and forth through the air wearing an odd expression of contempt mixed with glee. Sirius continued to give Snape an extra push whenever the arc slowed. "Excellent!" Lupin nodded.

He turned towards the rest of the class. "Now, I may not be as skilled with potions as our amazing little acrobat over here--" several Gryffindors snickered, "but I do know one or two things. Professor Snape was kind enough to show me some more advanced skills before I-- left Hogwarts. So, being Professor Snape's protégée, as it were, the Headmaster asked me to temporarily lend a helping hand. I was only too happy to do so."

"But you're a werewolf!!" Draco cried out. Several of the other students in Slytherin nodded.

"Well, yes, unfortunately I am. I went over this argument several times with the Headmaster, but he seems to feel that I can be of great assistance. Even so, he mentioned that if any of you students are uncomfortable you are free to express it to the Headmaster and he will assign you extra activities with Mr. Filch instead of taking this class."

This quieted the Slytherins. No one wanted anything to do with Mr. Filch if they could help it.

"Any more questions?" Everyone shook their heads. "Let's begin then where you left off…"

It was by far the best potions class Harry had ever had. Not one cruel remark or sarcastic comment towards anyone. Snape continued to glare at them every so often, but for the most part he just 'ooohed' as Sirius kept him sufficiently distracted. Professor Lupin was much the same way teaching potions as he had been with DADA. He pointed out any errors but added constructive suggestions. Even Neville was far more relaxed and managed to keep his cauldron from melting or exploding- although his potion still failed. Professor Lupin only smiled serenely and told him to try reading up on the next assignment tonight to get a jump-start. Neville nodded his thanks- rendered speechless with tears of joy.

Hermione, Ron, and Harry were about to file out with the rest of the class when Lupin's voice called out to them. "Would you three please stay after for a few minutes?"

"Of course Professor." Hermione replied, walking to the front with Harry and Ron in tow. Lupin removed Snape- who managed to get through the entire class without screaming or hexing anyone- and motioned for them to follow him to the office.

When they were all comfortably seated, Snape laying between the four of them on Lupin's desk and glaring up, Snuffles trotted in and closed the door with his hind leg. Lupin quickly placed locking and silencing charms on the door before Snuffles morphed into Sirius.

"Harry!" He exclaimed happily before throwing his arms around the boy and giving him a tight bear hug. "So good to see you again! Did you get the letter?"

Harry adjusted his glasses as Sirius withdrew and smiled. "Just this morning."

"This has got to be the best thing that's happened to us since…" Ron paused and motioned to Snape.

At that Sirius took another glance at Snape and began to laugh hysterically. He stepped back a few times and leaned against the wall for support. Snape's face grew red before he began to wail. In his intense fury, it seemed he had forgotten to breath. Soon he was reduced to a purple-quivering blob which hiccupped at odd intervals. Sirius saw the state of Snape and tried to compose himself. "I'm -pant- sorry! It's just -pant- so hard to -pant- laugh when you're -pant- a dog."

Lupin shook his head a few times before raising a single eyebrow. "Really Sirius. This is no laughing matter." Despite his words- the corners of his mouth betrayed him by slowly curling upwards.

Sirius gasped a few times then nodded sagely. "Your right. But you've got to admit-- it's better than the time James dropped a dung bomb in his Robes. Just before the last Quidditch match of the season our forth year. Got to hand it to him that he played the entire game though." Sirius quivered in silent mirth for a few minutes.

"And he nearly knocked James unconscious for it with the bludger. I remember that part too." Lupin turned to Harry. "Whenever you're dealing with Severus Snape, it's best to keep one thing in the forefront of your mind Harry. Once he's bent on revenge- come hell or high water- he'll stop at nothing to get it."

Lupin sighed, leaned into the seat, and glanced as Snape. "And I have a feeling he's not going to be very pleased when he finds out how he spent all this time in nappies."

Sirius' shoulders began to shake again.

"Oh for goodness sake," Hermione crossed her arms and glared towards Sirius, "Grow up!"

Sirius chuckled a few more times before pasting an innocent expression on his face. "Sorry. I'm finished now."

"Well, we have some important things to discuss." Lupin stated, while simultaneously beginning to un-button Snape's pyjamas. "I don't suppose any of you glanced at his arm while you were changing him? More specifically his left fore-arm?"

"Are you kidding?" Ron replied. "We've been trying to avoid seeing him naked if we could help it."

Harry didn't understand what was so important about Snape's arm. At least, until Lupin withdrew it from the sleeve.

And the three gasped collectively.

A ghostly outline of a skull with a serpents tongue was faintly viewable in the skin under Lupin's finger. "Just as Dumbledore said." Sirius commented, disgusted by the sight.

Harry remembered the night of Cedric's death with sudden clarity. The night when Snape had tried to convince Fudge by showing him the Dark Mark. It seemed even as an infant, evil was still branded onto Professor Snape.

"Oh my." Hermione muttered. It was a huge understatement, but Lupin nodded.

"This confirms our suspicions of why Dumbledore's allowed the story to be well printed. Snape can't just pop onto Voldemort's doorstep like this. Which means that any gatherings they're holding aren't going to come to our attention." Lupin said.

Sirius sighed and sat down next to Harry, suddenly weary. "And no information on what he's planning. Damn you Snape."

Snape seemed unaware of the conversation, but made a visible effort to withdraw his arm from Lupin's hand.

"So if he's planning Muggle attacks?" Harry knew the answer, but he needed to ask anyway.

"Then there is probably nothing we can do, without Severus telling us about them." Lupin replied softly.

Ron sucked in a breath. "You mean people are gonna--"

Sirius and Lupin both nodded solemnly.

Harry felt an odd guilt tighten its hold over him. He had never really taken much contemplation to Snape's role in the fight against Voldemort before. He had always been worried about Sirius, but didn't give his nasty potions Professor a second thought. Now he understood why Snape had been more snappish recently. He would've been wound up tightly too if he had to visit Voldemort's little circle of Death Eaters at any time.

A grudging respect settled over Harry.

"Professor Lupin?" Hermione asked, forcing Harry from his temporary analysis of Snape.

"Yes?"

Hermione glanced at her hands folded tightly in her lap before continuing. "I've been reading over some of the advanced potion books here in the library-- I haven't found anything concrete yet-- but I thought maybe I could test out some theories I had? Fred and George used an Aging potion, the one we were making when the accident occurred, to try and fool the Goblet last year. I found some substitute ingredients that might give it a more powerful kick. I just need somewhere to work on them."

Lupin studied her for a few minutes. "You are aware that the Headmaster has some of the best minds in Potions working on this problem?"

Hermione blushed. "Yes sir. I didn't mean--"

Lupin waved his hand dismissively. "I know. Of course you can work on your theories. There is an extra classroom down the hall and to the right you can use. Feel free to take anything from the supply cabinet you need. You'll have to ask me specifically if the ingredients are restricted," Lupin lowered his voice, "Provided I can find them in Severus' archaic labelling system. I swear he used three different languages."

"Yes sir. French, Italian, and Greek." Hermione answered. Lupin shot her a curious stare. Harry wondered himself how Hermione knew that- but then remembered the Polyjuice potion from their second year.

"Oh, well. Guess that answers one question." Lupin beamed. "Now to the next order of business and then off to class. If the mark," Lupin pointed again to the skull on Snape's arm, "begins to turn black- you _must_, and I can't stress that enough, _must _take him to Dumbledore immediately. If Dumbledore isn't available then to Sirius or myself. Under no circumstances are you to leave the grounds with Snape- not ever. Burning black or no. That means Hogsmeade is off until we can reverse the situation."

Ron opened his mouth to protest, but Sirius cut him off. "The Mark isn't just for recognition or summons, it's also for tracking. If Snape leaves the grounds Voldemort knows exactly where he is and can Apparate to him. There is also speculation that Voldemort can force Snape to Apparate to his own side as well. No one knows for sure the exact capabilities of the Mark- not even Snape himself. If Draco is passing information along to his father, which Snape had no doubts that he was, Voldemort knows that Snape is in Harry's charge. Which means, Harry, that Voldemort has a direct pipe-line to you."

"Thus the other reason that Sirius and I are here Harry." Lupin concluded gravely. "To make sure that all of you are safe."

They sat in silence for several moments before Lupin smiled and politely reminded them that their next class would begin in five minutes. It seemed to Harry that arriving a few minutes late wasn't very important at the moment.

It wasn't until he was up in the air during Quidditch practice that the cold ball of tension began to melt. It didn't fade away entirely, but it wasn't screaming its presence either. More like a dull knowledge of 'so Voldemort can get to me again, urg, why me'.

Ron kept asking why Dumbledore would knowingly risk Harry in such a way. Harry knew the answer though. Snape's accident was primarily his fault. Leaving him with someone else would only put them in danger. And Harry, despite what Snape had insinuated, wanted no one else's death on his hands. Well, except Voldemort. That was blood he would happily wash away.

And Snape was also in danger now. No longer serving a purpose could make Voldemort consider killing him outright. After all, if he had to grow up all over again, and the Mark burned each time a Death Eater Meeting was called- then it would be prudent for Voldemort to get rid of any warning system Dumbledore might have. That meant getting rid of Snape, even if he was only a baby. Harry didn't think Voldemort would feel the slightest bit of guilt over it. He had ordered Cedric's death easily enough.

So Harry felt a wave of protective instinct roll through him like never before. If Snape was in his care, then nothing would happen to him. Harry swore on the names of his parents that nothing would. It was an odd feeling that left him rather speechless in the few attempts to explain any of it to Ron.

Glancing over to the side from his broomstick, Harry again thought that Hermione must have come to the same conclusions herself- since she held Snape a little tighter after the meeting. She and Harry had exchanged the same worried glances during their walk to the pitch.

As a bludger flew past his head, nearly knocking him out, Harry resolved to figure it all out later.

It was all too quickly that later came. Sitting in a darkened corner of the library with Hermione taking notes from one of the large books. Harry was supposed to be studying while Ron had ran off muttering about 'free time.' Harry stared blankly at Snape, who slept peacefully on his lap. His tiny fingers grasping Harry's robes, and thick black lashes fanning his serene face.

"You could put him in the pushchair and do some home work." Hermione mentioned without looking up.

Harry nodded- even though she couldn't see him. "I could."

Hermione lifted her head up and sighed while she regarded him. She snapped the book close. "Do you need to talk about it?"

Harry threw her a grateful look. He had always confided to Ron about most of the things troubling him, or to the both of them. Some things he preferred to keep to himself- like the night Cedric died. Hermione had always told him that her ear was always open though. Now he was very grateful for that.

"It's Snape." He began, gauging her reaction. She motioned to continue, her _expression open. "I feel-- I guess I feel protective of him, now."

Hermione smiled lightly. "That's a good thing, Harry."

Harry nodded. "I mean, I still don't like him." Her smile faltered for a second, but she didn't comment. "I just don't want anything to happen to him. After what Professor Lupin and Sir- I mean Snuffles told us, I guess I…" He faltered.

"Respect him?" Hermione supplied softly. Harry nodded again. Hermione leaned back into the Victorian chair and plucked absently at a stray string on the upholstered arm. "I never cared for his teaching methods, you know. I always thought he was rather spiteful and just an overgrown bully- taunting us all like that. Taunting me like that. And the way he so blatantly favoured the Slytherins-- and Malfoy." She sighed. "But I always admired him too, after our first year. The way he created potions, have you ever noticed that during a lecture or when he's working on his own private projects- how he never had to look up the ingredients or the timing? He just knew. Sometimes I have to double-check the book- even though I studied it the night before. He's got a picture perfect memory for it. Frankly, I'm not surprised Dumbledore keeps him teaching Potions. No one else could possibly know it as well as Snape does.

And then I thought about that night in the Hospital wing. When he revealed himself to Fudge in front of everyone like that. I knew right away what he was, why Dumbledore has him here instead of Azkaban. Imagine what that must be like, Harry. To willingly walk into Voldemort's circle with the knowledge that at any moment he could be discovered as a spy and killed? I don't know if I could ever do that, and I'm a Gryffindor. I think that Professor Snape, for all his faults, is someone who I want to protect. I don't care particularly what Ron or anyone else thinks about him. The only thing I know is that a person with that much intelligence and bravery deserves my respect and admiration. Even if he is a overgrown bully with a crooked nose." Hermione smiled at Snape.

Harry was silent as he pondered over her words. The truth was he never really had paid enough attention to Snape to notice- or even care- how good he was at Potions. After all, if someone teaches something- they're supposed to be familiar with it (Lockhart not withstanding of course). Which made him wonder something entirely different. "The way you talk about him Hermione- reminds me of when you had that crush on Lockhart."

Hermione flushed a deep red and blanched at Harry. "What?!" She squeaked. "Don't be ridiculous Harry!"

He couldn't help but prod her a little on it, her reaction only encouraging him on. "Perfectly natural Hermione. Like you said, he's an _admirable _man. Brainy guys are definitely your type." Harry winked.

Hermione's mouth worked furiously for several seconds, flapping until she found her vocal chords again. "You're insane! I don't feel _that _way towards Professor Snape! You've completely misunderstood me!"

"Sure, alright Hermione. Whatever you say." Harry smirked. "After all, that would be kind of- improper- to put it mildly. You having a crush on a baby and all."

Hermione stood up and grabbed the book. "Forget I said anything at all, Harry." She hissed. "I'm surprised though, that's something Ron would say."

Seeing he pushed her a little to far, he grabbed her arm before she could stomp off. "I'm sorry Hermione." He said gently, coaxing her as best he could. "I didn't mean to upset you. Just teasing you a little that's all. It's just weird hearing all these good things about Professor Snape. He's been the bad guy all these years to us, you know?"

Hermione sat back down, but still looked outraged. Harry thought that there might have been more to the crush thing then she was letting on, but decided not to bring that up-- for now at least. He waited until she stopped huffing and placed the book on the table.

"Anyway, I think that respecting Snape is good for you." She muttered through clenched teeth. "He _did _save your life."

That was a good point, he mused. "He did- didn't he?" Harry smiled at her. "I guess maybe he's not as evil a git as I always thought he was. Then again, it's hard liking someone who always looks like they want to rip your throat out."

Hermione frowned. "What is all that about anyway?"

Harry shrugged. "Haven't the foggiest. Maybe Professor Lupin knows?"

Hermione tapped her chin thoughtfully with her finger. "I wonder if it has to do with your dad."

Harry's eyebrows pinched together. "I don't follow."

"Well," Hermione brushed back a stray lock of hair, "Hagrid did say Snape was jealous of your dad. Something about always getting the glory. And the first day of class he made that comment to you, remember?"

"Yeah, celebrity." Harry shuddered. "How could I forget. The man could slice metal with his tongue."

"And when that article about us came out in the Prophet. And when you were picked in the Tournament? Maybe it's about your fame, maybe it reminds him of your dad."

It was a better explanation than any Harry had thought up. Most of those were narrowed into the category of 'evil biased Slytherins'. Not that he really cared whether Snape liked him or not, but the fact he had always gone out of his way to be cruel grated on Harry. He had never done anything to the man after all. Well, with the exception of trying to accuse him of attempting to steal the stone. And now, having turned him into a baby. He could understand contempt based on those things, but Snape _hadn't _known about them.

Maybe Lupin's comment about revenge was right, and this was all based on a grudge he had against his dad. Magnified by his own status in the wizarding community- and Snape obviously never gave it a second thought to how much it bothered Harry. To be so famous for the dying act of his mother- it wasn't something he wanted to be well known or attributed for. That should have gone to his Mum; she was the one who earned it.

Harry shifted Snape slightly in his lap. The only thing he could think to do was to put those things in the past for the moment. A clean slate with Snape- as it were. Maybe even try to find out more about him. Which was a funny idea in itself since Snape was the most private and withdrawn man at Hogwarts. Still- if Harry was risking his own neck to make sure Snape was safe, he wanted to know what kind of man he really was. The thought was alarming- get to know Severus Snape? Former Death Eater and Sarcastic Git Extraordinaire? The man who started the 'I hate Harry Potter' fan club?

Yet, the thought of removing that shiny mask once and for all held the intrigue of a mystery. And if there was one thing Harry Potter loved, it was a good mystery.

Author's Notes: Ok, this wasn't a funny chapter, but I think it had to be done. I wanted Harry to have to re-evaluate Snape at some point in the story. Babies have a tendency to make people get all those soft-squishy feelings. And that would be so uncomfortable to have soft squishy feelings for mean 'ol Snape (at least from Harry's POV). Plus, I get to dive into some 'Why Sev is a Bastard' theories. And I love those. Plus, the sub-plot is (finally) revealed with the appearance of the Dark Mark still on Snape's arm. After all, Voldemort's Mark is pure corruption and evil. Even poor baby Snapey isn't safe from it. *sob* I feel SOOO bad for him!

Let me know what you think, if you like where it is going. If you know where it is going. If you think you know that I know that he knows….erm…ya…. You get the idea. Namely, **_REVIEW_**! Constructive comments are most welcomed, as always. Pointing out Errors is thanked. Hopefully there are fewer to count now :D I hope this story continues to keep you all entertained. And what about that Hermione thing eh? What's up with _that_!

Thanks to Ker, who suggested that Snape get so angry he forgot to breath and become a quivering blob of red. Also for her suggestion of Snape falling asleep on Harry and clutching his robes-- to add an 'awwww' quality to Harry's introspection. It's hard to hate a sleeping baby, after all.

Next Chapter:  
Back to the funnies! Quidditch, a flying Snape, and an angry Snitch. Uh-oh- we're in trouble…


	6. Thuntherheaths

Three Gryffindors and a Baby

::celeste::

Fanmail to celestialsilence@mchsi.com

Disclaimerness: I don't own Harry Potter (duh) that honour belongs to Rowling, the genius that she is. I'm just borrowing her people and locking them in little cages for my (and your?) amusement. I promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Well, Snape may need some serious counseling after this. Anyhoo I make not one penny off this story, and I don't even have a penny so it's quite pointless to sue. Thanks.

Summary: An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant. Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Dedication: To Kayla, my cousin Rhonda's daughter, who is the most adorable little thing alive. And yes, I am a bit biased about that ^.^ Also to Rowling- hoping her current pregnancy is a wonderful experience.

Special Thanks: My eternal gratitude to my four Beta Readers: Kerguelen, Aemos, Ms. Prongs, and Sharon. Without whom, this story would be filled with too many errors to count. Also to the reviewers, who make it all worth my while.

**Apologies:** Sorry it's taken sooo long to get this chapter out. Various re-writes, hiatus, PC probs, business deadlines, and overall laziness. Have no fear, this story will be completed. Seems a shame to plot out the entire thing and not finish it. Besides, I got some great lines written for the final chapter. ::insert evil laughter here::

Special Note: Want to see an adorable piece of Fan Art inspired by this fic? Check out http://members.tripod.com/kaga12/images/Cookies.jpg Sevvy drawn by Kage entitled Cookies! **SQUEE**!! *faints from cute-ness overload* If you take the time to put pen/pencil to paper and sketch something- pwease send it to me :D I'm not talented enough to draw or I would.

****

Chapter 6

Thuntherheaths

Harry refused to give an answer to Ron's many questions regarding the seven yearbooks piled onto Harry's bed. Ron was finishing changing Snape, while Harry flipped through the yellowed pages. Each picture was filled with portraits of the students, but what worried Ron was the fact Harry was concentrating in the Slytherin section.

"I can understand wanting to see more pictures of your Mum and Dad. But why you are going through those Death Eater wannabe's is beyond me." Ron flopped Snape onto his back in the crib before sitting next to Harry on the canopy bed. He glanced at a few of the pictures before propping himself against the wall.

Harry glanced at him before flipping the page and finding a thirteen year old Snape looking back. The picture glanced at him warily before seeming to withdraw into the frame. A hand absently flipped the shoulder-length black hair forward until most of his face was covered from Harry's view. Still, he could see the pale skin and large nose which caused Snape to scowl back at Harry as the picture noticed the intent study.

"He looks shy." Harry murmured before flipping back to the index in the back and seeing there were only four other pictures of his Professor. He flipped to the next on the list, and saw Snape in the potions classroom. Even among the other students, it was easy to pick out the skinny boy with shiny black hair avoiding another boy with silver-blonde hair attempting to talk with him. "Malfoy."

"Huh?" Ron sat up and gazed over Harry's shoulder. "Well that's not surprising since they both ended up in You-Know-Who's inner circle. Must be old pals. Chumming around while they rape and pillage." He gave a snort of dismissal.

Harry shook his head in doubt as he noticed the way Snape kept slowly edging away from Malfoy. "I don't think they were friendly, Ron." He continued to watch with facination. Snape had backed so far away he was almost in the aisle. Malfoy continued to give what must have been a grin, but looked more like a demonic jester's smile. Suddenly a burly boy stuck his foot out- sending Snape sprawling into the Gryffindor's table. A pretty girl with red hair cried out as the cauldron's contents splashed over her.

The picture Snape got awkwardly to his feet and attempted to apologize whilst simultaneously trying to wipe the substance off her robes with his bare hands. As they grazed her chest, she squealed even louder. Three other boys behind her pounced viciously onto Snape. The scene ended with Snape and the other three (one with glasses and dishevled hair eerily similar to Harry's) being led out of the room by the Professor.

Harry frowned and folded the book shut. Things were becoming quite a bit clearer.

He picked up another volume, dated around Snape's own fifth year. His portrait was once again wary of Harry's scrutiny, but did not withdraw onto itself. Instead, it gazed defiantly back, and the triangular chin jutted upwards in defiance. His eyes seemed to dare him to try something while his mouth formed that familiar sneer.

Harry flipped to another picture of the Slytherin Quidditch Team. He almost died of shock when he noted the smiling boy holding a bat near the edge. Taller than most of the others, and definitely thinner- his face glowed with exuberance and pride. A stray lock of Raven black hair was smoothed behind his ear.

Flipping through the pages another time, Harry frowned when he found the same cheerful boy in the crisp white bed of the Hospital Wing. Both legs were suspended magically in the air with white bandages covering them up to his thighs. His head was also bandaged and he grimaced from the photo. The saddest thing Harry noticed, was the single get-well card on the stand next to the bed.

Remembering the overflowing assortment of cards and candy Harry had received in his own Hospital stay, he almost wished he could go back in time and send a box of Bertie's Every Flavored Beans to Snape. Harry snapped the book shut and gazed over to the crib. Snape wouldn't want his pity, but Harry couldn't help empathizing with Snape's lonely existence. He certainly knew enough about it from the Dursleys, and thanked every star in the sky regularly for his friends at Hogwarts. But it was becoming quite clear that Snape himself didn't have that same companionship during his stay at Hogwarts.

Reluctantly he picked up another Album from Snape's final year and flipped through the pictures. He noticed a Yule-tide Ball scene that featured a room full of happy party-goers. Harry frowned when he failed to see Snape in the crowd, and then on instinct checked the shadowed corners. Soon, the lone figure of Snape emerged from the opposite side of the room came to his attention. The look of longing on his face as he gazed out at the dance floor caused Harry to snap the book shut.

"He didn't have anybody." Harry turned to Ron. "Not a single friend all seven years, Ron."

Ron snorted. "Well with his attitude that's not much of a surprise Harry." Ron propped himself up on his elbows. "Why do you care anyway?"

Harry sighed as he cleared the Year Books off his bed. "Because I want to know what he was like. I think I've got a pretty good idea now."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Getting to know Snape. Are you feeling alright, Harry? Did you hit your head or something? He's the cruelest, most ill-tempered, ugly Git at this school. What more do you need to know?"

"Why he's so cruel for one. Why he joined Voldemort-" Harry noticed Ron's flinch, "and why he hates me."

"Is that all?" Ron replied. He brought his hand up and began to tick off fingers. "One, he's never gotten laid. Two, he enjoys the company of other murderous Bastards. Three, you are the most famous kid in the wizarding world. Simple as ABC."

Harry glared for several minutes, causing Ron to squirm under the heat. "What?"

"Nothing is ever that simple." Harry said before turning back towards the crib. "Especially with Snape."

"Fine." Ron pushed himself out of Harry's bed and returned to his own. "You go ahead and ponder it till the Gnomes come home. I'm going to sleep, which I recommend to you too. You've got a game tomorrow. Or maybe you're thinking about switching teams, since your chumming up to the Slytherin Head of House." With that, he snapped the curtains shut and left Harry to his thoughts. Just as Harry was rolling his eyes Ron gave one final comment. "Oh, and you can read to him tonight. We never finished Mr. Tippy the Curious Kitty, so I suggest you read that one."

"Any suggestions for the ending?" If sarcasm was tangible, they would have mopped Harry's question off the floor.

"Ya- Mr. Tippy gets eaten by a particularly nasty three-headed-dog named Fluffy. Should bring Snape some pleasant memories, that."

And with this charming note the conversation ended.

Ron and Snape were the only two left in the Great Hall as lunch came to a close that next day. Ron was in a very nasty mood for a few reasons. The first was because Harry had stopped talking to him. The second was because he already missed ten minutes of the first Slytherin versus Gryffindor match of the Quidditch season. The cheers and boos of the crowed made their way into the Great Hall, causing Ron to regard Snape with utter contempt. A look that was mirrored in Snape's own face.

"You stupid, stupid, stupid git!!" Ron shouted in frustration. "Just EAT. Please!! I would've thought you'd want to be at the game too, even if your house is going to loose."

Snape then opened his mouth and allowed Ron to plant some of the pear sauce onto his tongue. Snape remained motionless while Ron held his breath and begged silently for him to swallow. Just as he though Snape was about to swallow it, the Potions Master's face contorted and he spat it out- the remains landing on Ron's face.

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!" Ron screamed as he picked up the dirty napkin and added another pulpy blotch to the quickly filling cloth. "I hate you!"

Snape smirked.

"Ya, you keep that up. Just remember- I'm bigger than you." Ron muttered before tossing the container across the room. The contents splattered against the far wall and gave Ron a strange satisfaction. He returned Snape's smirk. "Well, I guess were done then, hmm?"

Snape glared.

"Well, you can scream all you want to at the match, but no one's going to notice over the cheering when Harry catches the snitch." Ron stood up, unlatched Snape and was about to lift the tray when a white owl flew into the room. Ron immediately recognized Hedwig and waited for the owl to drop the note in front of Ron. Hedwig hooted before coming to rest on Snape's tray.

With some surprise, Ron noticed the message was addressed to him. He gave Hedwig a curious look, which the Owl failed to answer. Not that Ron expected her to. "Thanks." He muttered before lifting the top of the envelope.

The letter had came from Ron's Mum. She explained that Pigwidgeon had accidentally gotten into a bowl of Mrs. Skower's All Purpose Stain Remover and lost all his feathers. She had received a letter from Harry- about Snape- and was concerned with how their Professor was fairing. Ron sighed as the motherly threats rolled off the parchment.

As Ron's attention became diverted to the letter, Snape began to poke Hedwig. The owl blinked a few times and gave a warning nip near Snape's hand. "Annoying little bugger, isn't he?" Ron commented from behind the letter. "I wish you would take him to the Burrow and get him out of my hair."

Hedwig hooted in acknowledgement, and before Ron could realize the horrible mistake he had just made, Hedwig stretched out her wings and hopped onto Snape's Shoulders. Her talons gripped both of them and in the next instance they were in the air, soaring over the tables of the great hall and headed towards the ceiling window.

Ron sat rooted in shock for several seconds before the klaxon went off in his brain.

"BAD BIRD!!! HEDWIG!! I WAS KIDDING!! COME BACK!!"

Ron leapt back so fast the long bench crashed with a bang to the floor. He sprinted as fast as his legs could carry him out of the Great Hall. He rounded the corner, flying past the armored suits and through the twin oak doors.

"Looks like Angelina just took a nasty bludger to the elbow! That had to hurt!" Lee Jordan's voice carried through the hissing crowd of Gryffindors as they cried out for justice. Bole had made no foul, and so Madam Hooch remained silent from her perch on the broom.

Harry slowly rounded the pitch, Malfoy keeping a good distance behind and a little lower in altitude. So far it had been the normal carnage the Slytherin and Gryffindor matches were known for. Their new Keeper, Katie Bell former Chaser, had been elbowed by Derrick and was still wheezing in pain.

"Montague is now in possesion of the Quaffle. Flying towards the Gryffindor Keeper, Bell, who doesn't look like she's in much of a position to block. Nice batting by Fred Weasley, but Montague rolls out of the way. He's moving up for the throw and SCORE!! Bell unable to block! TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN-- the slimey bast-- sorry Professor McGonagall."

Harry's jaw clenched as Malfoy smirked towards him. He continued to fly around the pitch, looking for the golden sparkle of the Snitch. Instead, he noticed the red hair of Ron as he sped out from the front entrance of Hogwarts. He was racing across the lawn waving his arms franticly. "Where's the fire?" Harry wondered.

"Slytherin still in possesion. Montague again making a mad dash for the Gryffindor Goals. George Weasley hits a bludger towards him…and CONTACT! Johnson has the Quaffle- she's dodged another bludger from Bole, once is enough for her. She's near the--- hold on--- there's an owl headed this way. It looks like it's carrying something."

Everyone's attention briefly focused on the owl, trying to discern what exactly seemed to be in it's talons. Jordan grabbed Hagrid's binoculars and focused in. "MERLIN'S TEETH, IT'S A **BABY**!! HEY SOMEONE STOP THAT OWL!!"

Harry sat still before connecting the dots and quickly zoomed off towards the snowy white owl. He then recognized it with horror as his own, Hedwig. With Ron screaming like a Banshee and a baby being carried, he soon realized that Snape was heading right past the Slytherin Goals and onto the pitch. He leaned his body forward and urged the broom to go faster.

"LOOKS LIKE HARRY POTTER IS AFTER THE BABY! I ONLY KNOW ONE BABY IN SCHOOL AND THAT'S PROFESSOR SNAPE!! HE'S WOKEN ME UP ENOUGH TIMES!

UH OH! A BLUDGER IS HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE OWL!! THAT OWL LOOKS PISSED!"

Hedwig sqawucked and swooped down as the bludger came upon her. It passed over Hedwig's head-- missing her by a hair.

Malfoy had been closer than Harry, and gaped bug-eyed as Professor Snape drew closer-- screaming in terror. "_What the_?" Blinking, Malfoy's head followed mechanically as Snape glided past him, his gaze still glued to the gurgling Potion Master.

Malfoy failed to notice the bludger had turned until it smashed smartly into his abdomen.

He doubled over on the broom in pain and spiraled out of control. The crowed gasped as Malfoy fell from the sky, only to be slowed right before he hit the ground.

"MALFOY IS DOWN! DISTRACTED BY SNAPE A BLUDGER TOOK HIM OUT! POTTER IS STILL HEADING TOWARDS SNAPE-- THE OWL IS ALMOST ACROSS THE PITCH AND HEADING TOWARDS THE FOREST."

Harry clenched his teeth together and urged his Firebolt to it's maximum speed. If Hedwig made it to the Dark Forest, Snape would be outside the safety of the school's wards. He was close enough now that he could hear Snape's cries. Harry briefly noticed through the panic that Snape's hand stretched out before him, grasping for something. They were almost out of the pitch now.

Harry was finally within reach. His arm whipped out in front of him and he curled his elbow just as he came up to Hedwig. Hedwig hooted in fear before Snape's shirt ripped, causing Snape to slip from Harry's grasp.

****

"HE'S FALLING!! OH I CAN'T LOOK!! I CAN'T LOOK!!!"

Acting on adrenalin and reaction, Harry dove. Even the cries of horror failed to reach his ears as his sole concentration became the squirming mass in front of him. He stretched his arm as far as it would go, noticing with growing alarm the ground becoming closer. In a few seconds it would be too late. He closed his fist in a last desperate attempt.

"GOTCHA!" Harry cried as the back of Snape's shirt bundled in his clenched fist. He pulled up as hard as he could on the broom and managed to keep them both from splattering the ground.

Snape began swinging his arms franticly, screaming in alarm. Harry yanked him up and drew him tightly against his chest as he touched the field. Snape continued to scream into his Gryffindor Robes for several seconds before calming down.

The cheers which erupted from the stands were deafening. Harry blinked up a few times before pulling Snape from his chest and smiling down at him. "Hear that, Professor?"

Snape quieted and waved his fist. Which curiously had silver wings flapping from between the closed hand. Harry blinked in wonder before recognizing the Golden Snitch clutched tightly by Snape. "You caught the Snitch!!"

Laughing with the absurdity of the game's end, Harry held Snape triumphantly over his head with both arms. The crowd's cheers grew more frantic- as if he held the Quidditch Cup. Even the Slytherins were roaring.

"PROFESSOR SNAPE HAS THE SNITCH! This is certainly unprecedented!! What do you say Madam Hooch?"

Jordan and the rest of the school waited for Madam Hooch's decision. She flew down and landed next to Harry and Snape, followed closely by the other two teams- except for Draco.

"Harry caught Snape, who caught the Snitch. And since Snape isn't on the Slytherin team, Gryffindor should receive the points." Johnson folded her arms after her argument. Madam Hooch rubbed her chin thoughtfully.

Harry remained very silent. Secretly, he wanted to give Snape the credit he most certainly just earned. Yet, the look on his teammates' faces led him to believe they wouldn't welcome that comment.

Montague shook his head, sneering at Angelina. "Snape is a Slytherin, and HE caught the Snitch."

"Well, the only other time a non-seeker caught the snitch was when a beater found it lodged in his robes. The points were awarded to their team. I don't think there's ever been an occasion where a non-player has caught the Snitch." Hooch pursed her lips. "Since Harry caught Snape, I'm making the call that Gryffindor side is awarded the points." Hooch, ignoring the glare from Montague and Snape, blew her whistle. "GRYFFINDOR WINS!!"

The Slytherin team looked as if they wanted to throw their brooms onto the ground and stomp off. Instead they glared as they shook hands with the victors, and held their heads high as they stepped off the field. Malfoy was carried back to the Hospital Wing on a levitating stretcher by Madam Pomfrey.

The rest of the crowd rolled onto the field, cheering with excitement as they congratulated Harry and hoisted him above their heads. He still held Snape close, and smiled at Hermione who looked greatly relieved.

Before the crowd marched him towards the Great Hall, Harry noticed Ron leaning against the stone wall, peering at him with apologetic eyes.

Harry didn't see Ron again until much later in the Common Room. He was busy tickling a giddy Snape, sprawled underneath his chest while Harry's weight was supported with his elbows. Watching Snape laugh with each new spot caused much more fun than Harry would've guessed. So far, he discovered that Snape was ticklish not only on his feet and armpits, but also his inner elbow, thigh, the small of his back, and under the rib cage. His neck didn't seem to be especially sensitive, to Harry's surprise.

Ron wandered in to the astonishing sight and nearly collapsed in shock. "Holy crickets." He grimaced and sat near the pair on the sofa, looking down with confusion.

Harry paused and pushed himself to his knees, glaring angrily at Ron. How Ron could have allowed Snape to be lifted away was beyond his comprehension. After several minutes he vocalized that thought.

Ron rubbed the patch of skin between his eyebrows in frustration. "I was just kidding around with Hedwig. Is it my fault owls have no sense of humor?"

"Yes." Harry muttered. "He could have been killed. He could have been captured by Voldemort." Ron blanched before regaining his composure and remained silent. Harry continued in his tirade. "It would have been your fault, you know. Hermione is furious, you're lucky she's off in the lab working on an Aging solution. I realize you don't like Snape, but for Merlin's Sake Ron, why would you want him dead?!"

"I didn't mean to kill him Harry!!" Ron hissed back. "Sure I toss the idea around in my head at night, but I'm not serious about it! Look, I said I'm sorry. Can we just drop it?"

"No, you didn't say you were sorry. And we're not going to just drop this. Hermione and I discussed it, and we both think that you aren't capable of properly looking after Severus."

"**SEVERUS**!!" Ron then went into a slew of indecent speech that made Neville blush from the armchair next to the fire. "What is **WRONG **with all of you! WE **HATE **SNAPE!! WE'VE ALWAYS HATED SNAPE!" Ron's face was growing more red with every passing second. "Especially you! And now he's _Severus_?!!" Ron spat out the word as if it pained him to even say it. "Merlin Harry just listen to yourself! And I've been telling anyone who would listen for days now that I'm not up to looking after Snape! **S**-**N**-**A**-**P**-**E**!!" Ron stood up and stomped towards the stairway. "I'm freaking _sorry_, alright! And I hope that He-Who-Must-Be-_NUTS _floos in the fireplace and crushes Snape with his bare hands. Because if he doesn't, I'm this---**_THIS_**--close to doing it myself!!"

"Ronald Weasley!!"

Ron paused mid step as his sister's voice rang out. He turned and crossed his arms in front of his chest, as if to shield himself from his Ginny's wrath.

Ginny had quickly grown into a formidable Weasley to reckon with. All Gryffindors feared her logical taunts and heated (often one-sided) arguments. Fred and George had started comparing her to their mother, when Ginny wasn't listening of course. She indeed was a mirror in personality to the benevolent, but strict Mrs. Weasley.

Now Harry watched with amusement as the tiny girl crossed over to her brother and struck him with her finger. It landed dead center on the collar bone- making him wince.

"You're being immature Ron. The only person who's got something wrong with them here is you." She placed her hands on her hips and glared back. "Professor Snape isn't capable of defending himself right now, and the Headmaster made it your job to do so. If anything else happens to him-- if he so much as gets a rash-- I'm telling Mum!"

"Gaa gaa!" Was the extent to Snape's opinion on the matter. Harry patted him on the head.

"You tell him Professor." Harry said before picking Snape off the ground and standing next to Ginny. Now facing all three, Ron sighed and collapsed with a thud to the steps. He put his head in his hands and shook it several times.

"Everyone has gone totally insane." He muttered into his palms. "Stark raving mad. I'm lost in a looney bin. And I'm going to join them because I think I'm about to have a nervous breakdown!"

"Cheer up, Ron old boy." Fred muttered from the game of Wizard's chess he was playing with George. "At least Percy isn't here to make sure you kiss Snape's arse. Proper respect and all that nonsense." Fred winked.

Ron groaned.

Just then the door to the Common Room opened and slammed into the side wall, causing everyone to jump. "I've done it!!" Hermione squealed as she ran in. Harry immediately knew what she was referring to.

Ron lifted his head and looked at Hermione as if she was the most beautiful sight in the world. "Oh thank Merlin!"

"You sure Hermione?" Harry asked, adjusting Snape in his arms. Hermione nodded, excitement beaming from her face. Harry could tell that she had indeed stumbled onto something.

"Bring him to the lab." She replied before turning on her heel and walking back out.

Glancing back and forth, Ron and Harry shrugged-- tirade forgotten-- and followed.

The small lab Lupin had set aside was sparsely decorated, except for the rows of tables placed against the walls. Three sets of cauldrons bubbled with a plum potion. Pickled ingredients lined the far side, while meticulously sliced ingredients were arranged on either side of the cauldrons. Harry recognized a few-- mandrake, eel, toad.

Hermione took out a gilded cage filled with several mice. She withdrew one and took a vile of a purple potion from the stand. "Watch."

She took a dropper and let a generous amount slide into the dropper. She began to speak as she coaxed the end of it into the mouse's mouth. "I managed to successfully create the potion Neville stumbled on. A mixture of shrinking solution and the aging potion we were supposed to have created. The key ingrediant was the eels, I guess their properties counteracted the aging mechanism."

She squeezed the entire contents of the dropper into the mouse, and the pair watched with amazement as it shrunk in size, and lost most of it's hair. Soon, it was a tiny shivering dot of skin. Hermione nodded as she held it up for their inspection.

"So your big discovery was a Potion Neville already created? Now what, do we create a colony of shrunken mice?" Ron asked, disapointment etched into his features. "Filch is going to go crazy setting up a bunch of mouse traps."

"No idiot." Hermione snapped. "I had to create the same condition in the mice that turned Sevvy into a baby." Ron flinched at the name as if she had just said Voldemort. Hermione ignored it and continued. "That way I could see if the aging solution would work." She placed the penny sized mouse on the counter, and continued to transform three more mice into babies.

She then picked up the first mouse that had been transformed and took out a different dropper filled with a red potion. "This is the normal Aging solution Fred and George created. The more you take, the more you age." To demonstrate, she squeezed the entire contents into the tiny mouse. It soon popped back to it's original state.

"Well then lets just make a barrel load and feed it to Snape."

Hermione shook her head. "Just watch."

They waited fifteen minutes, staring at the mouse. It scuttled back and forth in the magically encased space until it gave up on trying to escape and laid back down. Snape kept trying to poke at it, but Harry held him away. After twenty minutes passed by Ron was shifting back and forth.

Suddenly the mouse squealed and shrunk back to the tiny penny-size it had been.

"The effects aren't permanent." Hermione concluded. "That's why Dumbledore didn't even suggest it as a solution."

Ron sighed and transfigured an empty jar into a stool to sit on. Harry did likewise- sensing a long lecture was about to be given. "So what did you figure out? Where is Hermione's magical cure?"

Hermione indicated the plum potion. "This is what I've come up with. I've tested it a couple of times and the effects seem to be permanent. The key ingredients are substituting the baby eels with mandrake. The other is aged troll eyes. Watch."

Hermione picked up a different mouse and squeazed the plum colored solution into it's mouth. Like the first potion, it quickly morphed back into an adult. She placed it in the same barrier and they waited for it to turn back.

After an hour, both Ron and Harry were smiling.

"I'll hold his mouth open and you shove it down his throat." Ron said, grinning from ear to ear. He reached out for Snape, but Harry pulled him away.

"Hold on, are you sure that stuff is safe?" Harry asked, lifting an eyebrow.

Hermione nodded. "The mice have shown no adverse effects. Of course, long-term results could take a few weeks of observation, even a month. The only potential danger is the Troll Eyes. As long as the dosage is calculated correctly there should be no problems. I could wait another month to attempt-"

Ron cut her off. "No way! That mouse looks okie dokie to me. Give me the bag Harry. How much do we give him Hermione?"

Harry was hesitant. He had no doubts about Hermione's abilities, but he was uncomfortable about giving Snape such an experimental potion. Especially one that could poison him. "Do you have the antidote?"

Hermione nodded and held out her arms as Ron pulled out one of the bottles. "Trust me Harry."

With some reluctance, Harry handed Snape to Hermione. She laid him on the cleared space and took the bottle from Ron. "Let's see, according to my calculations…" She trailed off as she consulted the parchment in front of her and filled the bottle halfway. "Now, if this doesn't work for some reason, we won't be able to attempt it again until the Troll Eyes are completely out of his system."

"How long would that take?" Harry asked.

"I wouldn't worry about that Harry." Hermione answered, again taking Snape into her arms. She picked up the bottle. "This should do it."

"Hold on!" Ron cried out as she drew the bottle close. Hermione stopped and regarded him. "Won't he, ah, bust out of that outfit?"

Harry saw what Ron was talking about. If Snape returned to normal size, his baby clothes would definitely not be enough to cover him. "Take it off Hermione."

Hermione blinked for several seconds before complying. Once the shirt and trousers were off, she handed them to Harry. Harry took them and transfigured the blue shirt decorated with jumping lambs into a large black robe that was close to the billowing ones his professor normally wore. "What about the nappy?" Harry asked, glancing at the prancing Unicorns.

Ron's eyes glinted with a mischievous twinkle. "Leave it." He took his own wand and pointed it at the nappy. He muttered a charm and a soft blue twinkle surrounded Snape, causing him to giggle. Ron winked at Harry. "Charmed to expand with Snape. I can't wait to see the look on his face!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and presented the bottle to Snape. "Please Professor. It won't taste that great, but you've got to drink it."

To everyone's surprise Snape accepted the bottle with very little fuss. Harry once again wondered how much Snape actually understood was going on around him. They waited with baited breath as slowly the plum potion disappeared.

After ten minutes Snape had completely drank all of the potion. Hermione took the bottle away and the three watched expectantly. She laid him onto the table, and held her breath.

A few minutes passed with Snape gazing back at the trio.

Then he burped.

Ron slumped. "Well that was rather anti-climactic."

Hermione sighed heavily and went to grab the parchment, intent to figure out what had gone wrong, when Snape began to lengthen. His face contorted into a grimace of pain as his arms and legs grew. His head also expanded, along with his body. They watched silently while Snape grew longer and wider with each passing second.

After a full minute, Snape stopped. He gazed up at them with clear black eyes and his lips pressed firmly together- drawn into a taught line. It was apparent, however, that he was still a baby. Just a larger baby, and definitely not a man.

Snape looked up at them for several seconds before his mouth opened, and actual syllables escaped.

"Thun-ther-hethsss."

They all blinked collectively. "What?" Ron asked. "Someone translate please? I never took gibberish."

"I think," Harry began slowly, "that he just called us 'dunderheads'."

"Sssthuupid Weezzy." Snape added, his eyebrow lifted in an uncomfortably familiar way.

Ron grimaced. "Bloody hell."

Author's Notes: Uh oh. Snape is now capable of speech-- um somewhat. I have also discovered it is very difficult to write a Quidditch match. Go Rowling, once again proven the most creative person on the planet.

Snape is now around fourteen months old- if you are keeping tabs. It's hard to tell where magical babies are concerned. And just how much does Snape remember? It's obvious he knows names. How much more will he reveal?

Thanks to Shamenka who gave me the final push I needed in order to give Snape speech. Thanks to the rest who have suggested it.

Also I will probably cause Snape to age through several stages of adolecence through the next chapters- till the end. We'll have to see how long it takes for Hermione to perfect the Potion.

Reviews are appreciated and fawned over for many hours. I'm not above begging ^.-

Next Chapter:

Our heroes must now deal with a talking, walking, and crawling Snape. Will Ron loose it entirely? Will Hermione figure out what went wrong? Will Harry continue to unravel Snape's past? Find out in the next exciting Chapter- From the mouths of Babes.


	7. From the Mouths of Babes

Three Gryffindors and a Baby

::celeste::

Fanmail to celestialsilence@mchsi.com

Disclaimerness: I don't own Harry Potter (duh) that honor belongs to Rowling, the genius that she is. I'm just borrowing her people and locking them in little cages for my (and your?) amusement. I promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Well, Snape may need some serious counseling after this. Anyhoo I make not one penny off this story, and I don't even have a penny so it's quite pointless to sue. Thanks.

Summary: An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant. Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Dedication: To Kayla, my cousin Rhonda's daughter, who is the most adorable little thing alive. And yes, I am a bit biased about that ^.^ Also to Rowling- hoping her current pregnancy is a wonderful experience.

Special Thanks: My eternal gratitude to Rhonda Amos- special beta who did a great job. Without all the help, this thing would be overridden with errors. Also to the reviewers, who make it all worth my while.

Note: Thanks to everyone for the awesome reviews for Chapter 6. I'm glad the Quidditch Match went over so well.

There has been a misunderstanding, however, about the current state of Snape. I take full responsibility as the author. That's why the reviews are so important, so that when I re-post chapters once the story is finished, I can fix these errors.

So let me clarify it here, Snape is not a gigantic 100 lbs baby. Merely an older baby, 14 months, but of average size for that age. *sheepish grin* Sorry about the confusion in chapter 6.

Fan Art: Camilla drew a spectacular pic of a scene from Chapter 6. Namely the end of the Quidditch match. You can view the art at http://www.cosmicuniverse.net/pics/hpss.jpg I think Harry looks totally heroic, and Snape is adorable. Wonderful job Camilla! You can view more of her works at http://www.cosmicuniverse.net

Happily serving 200 reviewers since December 2002 :D

****

Chapter 7

From the Mouths of Babes

The following day, Peter Pettigrew (aka Wormtail), stood shivering harder than Neville Longbottom during a Potion's Final, and for good reason. Next to him, seated in a throne carved by wand out of the stone which lined the cave they currently occupied, was Lord Voldemort. Or, as Wormtail preferred to think of him, Moldywart. Not that he ever addressed him as such, of course. Just because he was the Dark Lord's favorite lackey didn't mean he liked the monster. Peter was terrified of him, if the way his bladder always wanted to release itself in his presence was any indication. But Wormtail had never liked him.

Voldemort had a face that even his mother would have turned away from. Then probably been murdered for doing so. Sociopath were rarely discriminating of their victims.

Wormtail was also shivering violently from the chill in the damp atmosphere. It was a cave located somewhere in Scotland, obscured within one of the many cliffs lining the sea. It was a typical cavern. Firelight from the various torches providing the smallest amount of illumination. Enough to navigate, but not enough to keep one from jabbing thier toe. The drips from still-forming stalagmites echoed through the endless caverns which branched off further ahead of their own. Gray stone carved with the passing of some now extinct river jutted out all around him. If Wormtail never saw another cave in his life he would be only too happy. They were thoroughly depressing places.

Voldemort, not so surprisingly, seemed right at home as he lounged in his throne. The aspiring world conqueror had his feet propped up on his latest muggle kill situated like a make shift ottoman. The muggle gazed unseeing with cloudy blue eyes under blonde hair tinged with dried blood. She had been a very pretty young girl before Voldemort had cast Crucio on her, not once, but a total of ten times. It wasn't until the end that Wormtail heard her whispered name- Mary Sue.

In front of the grisly scene stood Lucius Malfoy. Wormtail always caught a murderous glare from the aristocratic Wizard whenever Lucius' cold gray eyes locked with his own blue. The animangus knew that Lucius was displeased with being pushed out of his former standing. Actually, displeased was probably a severe understatement. Enraged was a closer term. Furthered by the fact that Wormtail was a Gryffindor merely added insult to injury.

But it was Wormtail who had handed the Potters to Voldemort on a silver platter. Wormtail who had protected and helped Voldemort at his most vulnerable, if the dark wizard could ever be considered vulnerable. It was he who had given up his hand to help bring about a new body.

Even though his new silver appendage was ten times as strong and resistant to many forms of magic, the hand had several disadvantages. To start with, he could no longer feel anything from mid-forearm down. Good for pain, bad for pleasure. It had lost some of it's dexterity and his penmanship, something Wormtail had always prided himself on before, suffered extensively. It was cold as ice to the touch.

And it itched for some odd reason.

Even now, as he attempted to assuage the sensation, it irked him greatly. The itch could never be satisfied, no matter what he used. One time he had even tried a knife, cutting the silver skin. There was no blood, no pain, nothing. But it still itched. Voldemort said it was a mental problem. Like he was one to talk about emotional issues.

The wizard's red eyes glanced at him briefly as Wormtail raked his nails viciously into his silver hand, and a look of amusement combined with disgust crossed the skeletal features. It was rather hard to read Voldemort's face, for obvious reasons, but Wormtail had learned. He now considered it a survival skill.

"Stop that," Voldemort hissed as the thin membrane of what used to be eyelids narrowed. "You're making me itch."

Wormtail promptly obeyed and even managed to stutter out an apology. Lucius snorted in repulsion. A cold glare from Voldemort chastised Lucius, and the blonde wizard winced slightly.

"Now," Voldemort began, "I'm sure you are curious as to why you are here, Lucius."

Lucius bowed his head so deeply his chin nearly touched his collarbone. "I am honored to be in your presence my lord."

Voldemort smiled, the slit on the lower half of his bleached white skin lifting slightly to one side. "Such an eloquent brown noser. It's why I like you." He laughed harshly, a raspy sound that made both men shiver. Once he had calmed down from his self-appreciative humor, he continued. "Your son- Draco, I believe- attends Hogwarts. So he must have told you about your fellow Death Eaters'- shall we say- delicate condition?" Lucius' chest puffed out with paternal pride, obviously pleased Voldemort remembered his son at all.

Wormtail suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. Lucius only talked about Draco every five minutes of the day. "He has confirmed the reports from the Daily Prophet. Oddly, my lord, he mentioned Snape had been entrusted into Harry Potter's care."

"Ah yesss." Voldemort replied, his red eyes glowing with hatred. "Harry Potter. Very curious Dumbledore should do that. I have my own theories, of course. Ultimately this works to my advantage. If Severus is with Potter, then Potter is linked to me. Perhaps Severus has truly managed to fool the old coot after all. Snape is rather slippery, a worthy Slytherin. I was almost sure Dumbledore would have realized Severus allegiance by now." Voldemort laughed again. "Perhaps he truly is losing his mind after all these years."

"Undoubtedly." Lucius stated, agreeing heartily. "Dumbledore is a fool. Not nearly so sharp as he leads others to believe."

"I never said he was a fool, Lucius." Voldemort hissed. "You've already made the mistake once of underestimating him. Don't make it again." He drew a lazy finger in circles around the arm of his throne. "After all, we must learn from our mistakes."

Wormtail bit on his tongue to keep from pointing out Voldemort certainly hadn't learned from his own mistakes. For instance, why he continually sought revenge against Harry. Every time, the boy managed to cheat Voldemort's revenge, nearly ruining all those carefully fashioned plans. Still, contrary to popular opinion, Wormtail wasn't stupid enough to point that out.

Lucius seemed properly chastised as he muttered some answer. Voldemort waved it off before continuing. "In any case, Severus may actually prove useful to me again. Since his 'inside' information is sketchy at best, I've been wondering what to do with my little spy. I don't think he's shown the revel for murder he used to, and it distresses me. Severus used to be so proficient at interrogation." A sad look fluttered onto Voldemort's face. "I will miss the blood, the smells." He flicked his serpentine tongue into the air as if to taste the scent once again.

Wormtail frowned. "Are you going to kill him then?"

Voldemort shrugged, which was a very odd gesture for a reptilian man to make. "Perhaps. I have yet to decide. Depends on what Madam LeStrange has to say once we get her out of Azkaban. Since you," and here he glared at Lucius, "have been unable to attain those trial transcripts."

Lucius visibly swallowed. "Sealed by Fudge."

"So you've said." Voldemort replied. "We've already had this discussion, I don't want to repeat it. I hate repeating myself. In any event, until we hear LeStrange's explanation for her capture we'll have to wait. But back to the reason I've brought you here Lucius, is to ask you of your son's loyalties."

Lucius straightened his back and stood at his full height. He lifted his chin and stared straight into Voldemort's beady red eyes. "Draco is eagerly anticipating the day he may obtain the Dark Mark from you, my lord. Your wish is his command."

"Excellent." Voldemort's eyes gleamed with excitement. "I have a job for your young heir. If he completes it successfully, then no doubt great things await him within our fold." Voldemort paused before continuing, slightly flexing his fingers. "If he fails, however, I will be most-- disappointed."

Lucius shook his head viciously. "He will not fail you."

"Then here is what I would like Draco to do for me…"

And Voldemort began.

Hermione and Snape, at the same time, were having their own little 'conversation'. If one could call it such. Mostly it involved a lot of gentle chastising in a sing-song voice from Hermione, and angry one word rebukes from the normally eloquent Potion Master. The prime word of choice at that moment being-

"NUH!"

Hermione batted her doe brown eyes at Snape. "Please?"

"NUH!" Came the reply, the closest Snape could approximate a 'no'.

She wagged the bright red sweater Molly Weasley had sent with a large S in gold in front of Snape. It was adorably cute, if one found tiny knitted baby sweaters crocheted in Gryffindor colors as such. Which Snape most certainly didn't. Still, Hermione persisted. "But baby Snapey will be cold if he doesn't wear it."

Snape began to turn a red that matched the sweater, simultaneously banging his small fists against the high chair situated in Hermione's room. "NUH! NUH! NUH!" Each rebuke came accompanied with a bang.

Hermione began chewing on her bottom lip, a sign of deep contemplation, as she regarded Snape. He glared back with fire in his onyx eyes, an attempted recreation of the patented stare that sent most first years scurrying in terror. The effect was diminished somewhat by the protruding lower lip.

His nose was no longer abnormally large, but button like with a noticeable bump in the middle. His hair had lengthened somewhat, and laid flat against his head. The strands themselves were of a very soft texture, and a bit wavy towards the bottom.

But those giant black orbs were definitely still a focal point.

Hermione had to repress a smile. He was so cute.

"Mrs. Weasley went to all that trouble to make it for you." Hermione pointed out.

Snape was unimpressed. "Weez'eyz." He banged his fist on the chair again. "Buwz uph."

"It will not blow up." Hermione stated with finality. "Fred and George didn't make it."

Snape scowled and shook his head- only succeeding in making it warble back and forth. "Nuh."

"Today is Double Potions." She sang. "You want to be warm in the dungeons."

Snape's eyes lit with her mention of Potions. "Pushunz." He repeated.

"Potions." Hermione replied. "That's right. You remember potions, don't you?"

Snape nodded enthusiastically. "Pushunz!" He exclaimed.

"Yes." Hermione agreed with excitement. "You like Potions, but it's so cold down there. Burrr." She hugged her arms and shivered for added emphasis.

"Gwif'duh." Snape eying the sweater distastefully. "Nuh."

It was amazing, she thought, what he seemed to remember. His vocabulary for a fourteen month old was astounding. Grossly limited compared to what it may once have been, but impressive none the less. He seemed to recall everyone's name, houses, even their colors.

Hermione's theory was it all had something to do with the mandrake roots. Although the potion she had used last night depended mostly on the aged troll eyes, the mandrake was restoring his body and mind to the state it had been at before. It seemed to be clearing his thoughts, and bringing out more of his personality with it as well.

Unfortunately, that meant he was much more disagreeable than before.

"Silver and green?" Hermione asked soothingly.

"Thul-va." He repeated slowly, working the words around his tongue. "Gween."

Hermione pulled out her wand and quickly whispered a charm. In an instant, the red transformed into the deep green from Slytherin's banner. The golden S and trim transforming into a silvery gray. Snape's eyes widened and he smiled. "Thli-th'n."

"That's right." Hermione answered. "Slytherin." Amazing. She was definitely going to have to write a paper on his marvelous progress.

Suddenly his eyes darkened and he shook his head. "Ba phuy."

"Ba phuy?" Her voice must have held a note of confusion, because Snape looked at her with pleading eyes.

"Ba phuy!" He shouted. He inhaled sharply before repeating it a third time. "Ba phuy!"

Hermione shook her head. "Ba phuy?"

Snape's mouth worked furiously. "Ba-" a tuft of air, "Mah-" another inhale, "phuy!"

It was apparent to Hermione that he was becoming frustrated. This was beginning to happen quite often as he tried to communicate something to them that they didn't understand. He became angry with himself, knowing something was wrong. And if he became too frustrated, he became cranky. And if a disagreeable Snape was bad, a cranky Snape was a nightmare.

But these moments of lucidness from him, where something surfaced from his mind, were occurring with more frequency. Something was troubling him greatly. She doubted he fully understood what it was, but she could see the terror in him during those moments. As if some dark image was emerging from the depths.

Snape was no ordinary baby. Snape was a man with a troubled past, who had probably seen things that would give any adult nightmares for years. After the mandrake, it seemed his mind was trying to juggle between what he was and what he is. It produced fleeting moments of recollection that Snape couldn't comprehend. Not in his current mental or physical condition.

She shushed him and smoothed his hair in a soothing manner. "It's ok. It's ok." She repeated to him over and over.

After several minutes he seemed to calm down. Whatever it had been that troubled him was loosing it's coherency and being forgotten. Snape sighed before closing his eyes and visibly relaxing.

Hermione knew the Troll Eyes would be out of his system in another few days and they would be able to try again. Hopefully her new formula would work. She couldn't deny that she enjoyed Snape's current state, but she would be glad when her Professor was able to form a coherent sentence again. Even if that sentence was some kind of insult.

She picked him up after tugging the sweater on his tiny body, and smiled down on him. "Potions time!"

"Pushunz!"

It was with relish that Hermione deposited Snape into the Playpen after the trio were the last ones to arrive. Lupin was shuffling essays on the top of Snape's desk when he noted their appearance. He nodded to Hermione and carefully arranged the pile neatly to the side of his desk.

"Today we will be preparing a salve for minor burns. It seems Madam Pomfrey has run a bit low after all the accidents with Hagrid's Skrewts." Several of the fifth year students shuddered at the memory of their third year curriculum. "You can find the instructions on page--"

Lupin was interrupted by a demanding voice. "A'muz!"

The temporary instructor quickly looked to his right, where Snape leaned against the edge of his play pen. The tiny hands gripped the edges tightly, and large onyx eyes alight with fire glared at him. "A'muz!"

Lupin threw a quick look to the three Gryffindors whom were entrusted with Snape's care. They all had the same confused expressions, obviously having no idea what this was all about. Lupin sighed mentally before standing up and striding towards the pen. "Yes Severus?"

"Wuk." Snape demanded as he dropped to his knees and crawled towards the corner. Lupin followed his progress with his own eyes. Soon Snape grabbed onto some sort of doll he had not noticed before. Snape turned and proceeded back to the edge where Lupin stood. It took a minute before he was able to cross the small distance, but as soon as Snape arrived, he latched onto one of the bars and hauled himself upright.

Lupin crouched down so that Snape was a foot below him. It was then that Snape presented the object that he had collected.

A furry werewolf doll, with gray hair and a benign expression, was what Snape had apparently wanted to show him. Lupin's mouth drew together into a taught line, and his nose twitched with aggitation. Snape smirked at the response and proceeded to viciously chew on the doll's ear with his tiny new teeth. A sadistic expression flittered across his cherub face- something that would doubtlessly give Lupin nightmares for a few weeks.

Lupin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, willing it to stop ticking. Nearby, the few Slytherins who could see their Head of House's actions snickered. Lupin stood to his full height and regarded Snape, who was still mouthing the werewolf. "Very funny Severus. Now, if you don't mind I have a class to teach."

"Wuf!" Snape replied while glaring. "Wuf!"

Now, being accused by Snape was a very regular occurrence for Lupin. Unfortunately, so was ridicule for his lycanthropy. However, this was the first time such prejudice had came from a small baby chewing a doll and gazing at him with deepest loathing in his eyes.

Lupin was taken slightly aback by it at first, but his brain also registered the remarkable fact that Snape was trying to bait him.

"Cats already out of the bag on that one Severus." Lupin remarked casually before turning back to the class. "Please turn to page one thirteen in your books and begin studying the instructions. Hermione, Harry, Ron- please accompany me into Professor Snape's office."

Lupin then bent over and lifted Snape from the play pen, earning a squawk of surprise which was delightful to Lupin's ears, before striding towards the doors. Snape continued to beat the doll into Lupin's arm as he was carried. "WUF! WUF!"

The other Professor deafened his ears to Snape's repeated mantra. He waited for the trio to proceed him into the room before closing the door. Lupin sat Snape onto the desk, keeping a firm hold so Snape would not roll off. Snape continued to cling to the werewolf doll- gazing at Lupin with trepidation. It seemed to finally register that Lupin was a good deal larger than himself.

Lupin turned to Hermione. "How long has he been able to speak?"

"Since last night, sir." The bushy haired witch answered. "He's been very vocal since then."

"No kidding." Ron muttered. "I've been insulted more times since last night than my entire Potions classes combined."

Snape began to chew on the ear of his doll, the little Professor had been teething lately. Lupin watched him for a few more minutes. "He looks older this morning. Is he growing at an accelerated pace?"

"I administered a potion last night, and it seems to have had positive results. He's not himself, but he's definitely improved. As far as I can tell, the Mandrake has had some very noticeable effects. I think his memory is returning." Hermione pursed her lips before continuing. "But he's had some problems too."

Lupin looked at Snape with concern. "Such as?"

"Well, he's still a baby," Hermione clarified, "but he's been trying to communicate some troubling recollection. Since Professor Snape isn't developed mentally enough to understand- it's upsetting him. He woke up five times last night trembling. He's very frightened, sir."

Harry turned to Hermione. "Why didn't you tell me that?"

Hermione furrowed her eyebrows as she considered Harry. "I didn't think I had to wake everyone else up over nightmares. He seemed to forget them pretty quickly."

"I had a nightmare too." Harry said softly.

Lupin switched his concern from Snape to Harry. "Does your scar hurt?"

"No." Harry answered. "That's why I didn't really think much of it until Hermione just mentioned Snape's." Harry paused for a moment. "But Snape doesn't have the same, bond, with Voldemort that I do."

"The name." Ron hissed with a pale face. "Don't say the name."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "For goodness sakes Ron."

"It's probably nothing." Harry continued, ignoring Ron and Hermione. "I've had quite a few nightmares since the Tournament."

Lupin studied Harry, taking in the pain that flashed in the emerald eyes, pain that had never been in Lily's. The boy had seen too much, been denied too much. Lupin was uncertain if Harry's nightmares were another foreshadowing of Voldemort's plans. Yet, he was hesitant to ask the Boy Who Lived to recall whatever had disturbed his slumber.

Perhaps Snape still held some answers, some insight they were lacking. The man had always possessed an uncanny talent for fishing out suspicious circumstances. He had always enjoyed sticking that huge nose where it didn't belong and that brush with death during their school days was a good example. Had he not been so obsessed with discovering Lupin's continual absences in class, perhaps he wouldn't have listened to Black.

Lupin frowned. It did no good to dwell on the past that he could not change. Too much was going on in the present.

He turned to Hermione. "If Professor Snape says anything unusual, tell me. Keep trying that formula. You're on to something here, Hermione. Don't let a set back discourage you. We _need _Snape restored to his usual, unpleasant self."

Hermione nodded. "I will, sir. He did say one thing while I was dressing him for Potions."

"Oh?" Lupin asked.

"Ba phuy." Hermione shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever that means."

Snape, dropped the werewolf doll and looked up at the mention of his earlier statement. He got to his hands and knees and crawled towards the edge where Lupin stood. "Phuy." He said vehemently. "Ba ba ba phuy!"

"He sounds like a bloody sheep." Ron commented. Lupin gave a stern look to the red head before picking up Snape and holding him at eye level.

"What are you trying to tell us, Severus?" Lupin wondered softly aloud.

Snape huffed the air angrily. "Thult!"

"That's dolt, sir." Ron clarified. "I recognize that word. He only screamed it at me every thirty seconds."

"Hmm." Lupin sat Snape back onto the desk. "Still the gift for insult I see." Lupin remarked cheerily, any trace of uneasiness removed. "Well, let's get you three back to class. You have a salve to make."

Harry and Ron sighed dejectedly, while Hermione brightened. They turned back, and re-entered the class. The cheery expression fell from Lupin's face as soon as they left the room. He continued to regard Snape for several more minutes before finally speaking. "Something wicked this way comes."

Snape didn't seem to understand the quote, but grabbed his doll and looked meaningfully at the open doorway. "Pushunz?"

Lupin gave a genuine chuckle before picking Snape back up. "Some things never change."

The rest of class was relatively uneventful as the students finished up their salve. Snape continued to savage the werewolf doll fiercely, taunting Lupin every few minutes. Lupin ignored him and paced the length of the room as Snape would've done, though with the noticeable lack of 'swooping' around the students menacingly.

Draco was absent, apparently milking the injury from the game the night before. Consequently, Crabbe and Goyle seemed a little clueless around the cauldron, their salve turning a deep green instead of honey yellow. Lupin instructed them to pour it out and give their cauldrons a good scrubbing.

They all had ten minutes left to finish the salve when Snuffles sauntered in. Lupin shooed the dog away from Harry and continued to pace the room. Snuffles then went to lay next to Snape's pen, keeping a watchful eye on the baby.

"Bak." Snape spat as the dog joined him. The dog's ears lifted in surprise before growling softly in warning. Lupin shot him a look that said, 'behave' before moving to Neville's side.

Dog and baby eyed each other wearily. Snape picked up a block that had been placed in his pen and tossed it between the bars- knocking Snuffles in the head.

The dog yelped with pain, jumping to his feet and whimpered as he shook his head. Pulling back his lips, he revealed a row of sharp teeth as he growled, much louder this time, and barked a few times at Snape.

Snape just pointed and laughed, seemingly unbothered by the threat from his arch-nemesis. "Bwok heth!" He sang happily before falling onto his back and laughing even harder. Clutching his feet in glee.

Snuffles barked in retort before turning and crossing to the opposite side of the room. He laid down next to the desk, sulking into his paws. Snuffles continued to growl in Snape's direction, but was at least safe from flying wooden toys.

Lupin shook his head as he regarded the two. At least Snape had an excuse for his behavior- for once. He sighed and turned back to Neville, keeping the boy from adding too many lizard tails.

No other incidents occurred until the magical chime. Harry collected Snape from the pen and tossed a smile to Snuffles before following his friend to lunch.

As soon as Harry and Snape left the room, with Snape crying slightly and calling 'pushunz' repeatedly, Lupin locked and warded the door.

He turned towards the now human Black, who was rubbing the side of his head, and arched a brown eyebrow. "We need to talk."

"Don't lecture me Remus," Black muttered while he winced at the size of the bump, "that stupid git started it."

Lupin pinched the bridge of his nose, willing the irritation to go away. "I gave up trying to talk sense into you a long time ago. I'm sure you noticed Severus is speaking again?"

Black snorted. "Speaking? I'd call it baby babble, but to each his own."

Lupin was developing a head ache now. "I'm serious. You'd think with a name like Sirius you could appreciate that."

Black rolled his eyes at the old joke. "Mmmhmm. Get to the point Remus."

"My point is that Severus is trying to communicate something to us. Hermione says he's having nightmares, and so is Harry."

As with any mention of his godson, Black's head snapped to attention. "Does his scar hurt?"

"No." Lupin answered. "But Severus is disturbed-"

"I knew that." Black mumbled.

Lupin ignored him, "and Harry is having nightmares about You Know Who. Not a good sign."

"Well what is the Git saying?"

"Ba phuy." Lupin replied. "Any ideas?"

"None." Black stood up and looked around the room. "Any headache potion?"

Lupin suppressed the urge to smack the back of Black's head to increase the discomfort. Instead he walked over to the cabinet and took out the blue potion. He handed it to the Animangus. "That's Snape's personal supply, so don't start depending on it."

Black un-stoppered the bottle and took a dose. He wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve before replacing the stopper and handing back to Lupin. "So the git is having the hebie jebies, instead of inspiring them. But you're intent on listening to the opinion of someone who can't wipe their own arse anymore. Harry's having visions of You Know Who dancing in his head. Let me guess, Figg?"

Lupin nodded. "Seems like the best course of action."

"Alright. I'll trot up to the Headmaster and let him know. Then I'll take off for Privet Drive." Black tapped his chin a few times. "He said ba phuy, huh?"

"Yes."

Black's shrugged nonchalantly. "Well I'll pass the message along to Arabella. Hopefully I'll be back before dinner." He turned to Lupin with sparkling blue eyes. "Think you could bring up another steak for me?"

Lupin smiled. "Sure. I'll speak with the Elves."

Black sighed with pleasure and rubbed his stomach. "Love the food here."

He then transformed back into a dog and waited for Lupin to wave the door open with his wand. Lupin watched his old friend scamper out and took a swig of his own from the headache potion. Figg had better have some answers. He hated to think of being caught off guard by Voldemort.

Snape was extremely active around seven that night. Harry figured it had something to do with the long nap he got during Bin's class. Harry and Ron were allowing him to cruise around the Common Room. Taking a few steps by himself, and using chairs and table edges to get around furniture. There was a few wards in place around dangerous areas, like the fireplace. Snape simply bounced off of them if he got to close.

Harry was working on his Transfigurations essay, since McGonagall had allowed them back into class. He chewed the end of his quill, absently spitting out barbs, while he pondered the best way to transfigure clothing. It sounded simple, but getting small nuances was very important. Neville had forgotten the trouser buttons on his first attempt, and almost cried when he realized they had fallen. Giving everyone a plain view of his underwear (decorated with Blarney the Dragon).

A small tug on his Muggle jeans caused Harry to look down. Snape was at his feet, gazing up. "Pooper," he began, "bah-bah."

Pooper was apparently Snape's version of Potter. Harry was unsure if the t's were too difficult to say, or if it was Snape's attempt at infantile humor. He suspected the latter. "Potter." He clarified for the fiftieth time.

"Pooper!" Snape whined. "Bah-bah!"

Harry dropped the quill onto the parchment and lifted Snape onto his lap. Snape crawled around for a moment, pulling himself against Harry's chest before reclining into a comfortable position. Harry turned to his best friend. "Hey Ron, could you get a bottle?"

Ron looked up from his own essay, a blank look in his eyes from the assignment, and registered Snape's presence in Harry's lap. "Hungry?"

"Ya." Harry replied.

"Weezy!" Snape snapped impatiently. "Bah-bah!"

"Alright, alright." Ron grumbled before tugging the bag over. "Your wish is my command Professor."

A blast of wind from Snape's nose, in what was probably meant as a derisive snort, sounded. "Em-bah-syl." Snape added.

"Ooh, a new one." Ron muttered. "What's that, the twentieth insult he's used?"

"Seems like he's recalling more." Harry agreed amiably.

Ron mixed the formula together and filled the bottle. He then passed it along to Harry. Harry was about to pop it into Snape's mouth, when the tiny hands tugged at it from Harry's hand. "Want to do it yourself, then?"

  
Snape tugged again in response. Harry relaxed his grasp, allowing the third pull to successfully land the bottle in Snape's possession. He leaned into Harry's body and lifted the bottle to his mouth after a small struggle with it's weight.

Snape had a triumphant look in his eyes as he began to suckle. Harry was sure that he must have deplored his dependence upon the despised Gryffindors. The young student placed his arm around Snape and held him steady as he fed.

Ron returned to his assignment and began muttering sentences to write. Harry relaxed into the couch and closed his eyes. The soft crackling of the fire, combined with Snape's presence, lulled him to forgetting the awful vision he had had the night before. Visions of a young blonde girl being mercilessly tortured by a laughing Voldemort.

He was exhausted from the lack of sleep, but had to care for Snape since it was his turn. Hermione was beginning to gain bags under her own eyes from keeping up her intense study regiment, work in the lab, and babysitting. Harry greatly admired her stamina, but knew she could only take so much before collapsing.

He opened one eye to see Snape watching him as he continued to suckle. Harry tilted his head towards his Professor and returned the scrutiny. Snape didn't seem bothered by it, but met his gaze with a curious expression on his face. Harry tried to identify it, but only came up with 'concern'. Well, _that _was impossible.

Harry blinked a few times, but the same look remained on Snape's features. "You're worrying me Professor." Harry commented softly.

Snape's face went blank before his lips curled into a sneer around the nipple of the bottle. He then released his hold on it, letting the half-drained bottle clatter to the floor. Snape dug a fist into Harry's shirt, and pulled himself up to stare directly into Harry's eyes. "Pooper wuwy 'but Pooper." He snarled.

Harry gaped at Snape in shock. He had NOT just said that, had he? "What?"

Snape frowned but clasped a fist onto Harry's ear and yanked harshly. "WUWY 'BUT POOPER!" He screamed.

This caught everyone's attention. Ron's mouth was opening and closing in a manner that resembled a cod fish. "Did he just say a sentence?"

Harry nodded dumbly, and carefully pulled Snape's hand away. "Okay, Professor."

Snape sat back into Harry's lap and glared up. "Bah-bah." He demanded smoothly, in a parody of that silky voice Harry remembered so well.

"Okay," Harry muttered. He bent sideways and retrieved the bottle, placing it back into Snape's hands. As Snape brought it up to his mouth, Harry smiled lightly. "Hermione's going to be happy about your progress, Professor."

Snape smirked and began to suck his meal down again.

The Dreaded Author's Notes: *::celeste:: bangs her head several times against her desk* AGH! Plot development! Do you know how boring plot development is to write? How much I just want to jump right into it? Just say 'screw this, the readers will figure it all out anyway--', but if I did that my Forms of Fiction Professor would smack me around a few times. He is quite a big fella. Actually, he'd probably smack me around quite a few times for lack of philosophical insight in this particular comedy/adventure. Hmph.

So I had to do the 'plot development' gig. Sorry for that. This called for my unique talent (or curse if you will) of subtle humor-- I think Petigrew with an itching silver arm is quite amusing. Don't know why. Just is.

Ah well. Hope you all are still enjoying the story. I tried to deliver with conversations containing some input and insult from Snape. No ragingly hilarious escapades in this particular chapter, but there shall be more dear readers. There shall be more.

For recap:

Snape's getting smarter. Voldemort's getting crafty. Draco is more than just a spit rag. Sirius is still not serious (LOL--love his name). Remus is getting a headache from potions, plus dealing with Sirius and Snape. Hermione is treating Snape like a fascinating thesis (that HAS to be an oxymoron). Harry is getting told off by a baby. Ron is being insulted. Ya-- think that nicely sums it all up rather nicely.

If you had trouble with understanding Baby Jargon, read the appendix below the 'commercial' for the next chapter of *sucks in deep breath* THREE GRYFFINDORS AND A BABY *waits till walls stop shaking from booming voice, then continues*.

In the Next Chapter:

Sirius rehashes his conversation with the cat-loving Arabella Figg. Needless to say-- he is not a happy camper. Draco gets back on the scene after his brush with the bludger. Snape continues to gain intellect and, subsequently, vocab. Much to Ron's chagrin. Harry resumes his quest of 'getting to know you, getting to know all about yoooou-'. And relative hilarity ensues as Snape tries to play with one of Hogwart's feline residents.

Hope to see you then!

Appendix I:

Baby Babble

Listed in order of appearance in Chapter 7.

Nuh: No

Weez'eyz: Weasleys (entire family- or as Snape is referring, just Fred and George)

Buwz uph: Blows up

Pushunz: Potions

Gwif'duh: Gryffindor

Thul-va: Silver

Gween: Green

Thli-th'n: Slytherin

Ba phuy: HAHAHA I'm NOT telling (But it is pretty easy to figure out)

A'muz: Remus

Wuk: Look

Wuf: Wolf (I know, sounds like 'woof' but it is wolf)

Thult: Dolt

Bak: Black

Bwok heth: Block head

Pooper: Potter (or maybe really is pooper)

bah-bah: Bottle

Weezy: Weasley (as in Ron)

Em-bah-syl: Imbecile

Pooper wuwy 'but Pooper: Potter worry about Potter.

Pretty good for a baby! But I think Snape would still be horrified at his lack of wit at the moment.


	8. One Tail of A Tattletale

Three Gryffindors and A Baby

::celeste::

Fanmail to celestialsilence@mchsi.com

Disclaimerness: I don't own Harry Potter (duh) that honor belongs to Rowling, the genius that she is. I'm just borrowing her people and locking them in little cages for my (and your?) amusement. I promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Well, Snape may need some serious counseling after this. Anyhoo I make not one penny off this story, and I don't even have a penny so it's quite pointless to sue. Thanks.

Summary: An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant. Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Dedication: To Kayla, my cousin Rhonda's daughter, who is the most adorable little thing alive. And yes, I am a bit biased about that ^.^ Also to Rowling- hoping her current pregnancy is a wonderful experience.

Special Thanks: My eternal gratitude to Rhonda Amos- special beta who did a great job. Without all the help, this thing would be overridden with errors. Also to the reviewers, who make it all worth my while.

Note: I've started a new site to hold all my Snape-ish stuff, since there is a lot of it. If you would like to visit and leave a message for me in the Tag Board, or check out some of the Snape-ish games, that would be cool :D You'll also get Fanfic Picks and other fun stuff. http://www.animegirlz.com/potions

Warning: There is a bit of animal cruelty in this. No animals were harmed in the actual writing of this fanfic- however- so please don't hunt me down. I would never hurt the cute furry ones! I love em! Just not Mrs. Norris.

****

Chapter 8

One Tail of A Tattletale

Cats. Dozens of them. Everywhere.

Sirius Black tried to reign in his more dog-like traits as he sat on the oversized sofa. A gargantuan Tom Cat regarded him silently with one open eye from the armrest, his yellow-striped tail twitching from side to side. Was this one her familiar, or were they all her familiars?

The woman herself was sipping a cup of tea and browsing through her photo album. Not an album filled with pictures of family or friends, which would be understandable, but one filled with more cats. Sirius supposed he should be grateful this was a place safe from Dementors coming after him. Although, he was hard pressed to think of any other place he'd rather not be.

He tried to remind himself that this was all for Harry.

"And this was Mr. Norris. Oh, you should have seen the old boy." Fig lifted the album and showed him the image of a very large white cat, who even within the wizard picture, was simply laying on the floor, unmoving. "Bit lazy but heart of gold." She finished, sniffing slightly.

"Ah- very handsome gent," Black replied uneasily. He glanced around, taking in the cats that lounged on every piece of furniture. There was even a black one perched atop the grandfather clock. He took another gulp of tea, grateful for the fact that he wasn't allergic.

Mrs. Figg nodded. "He was, poor thing. Ran over by one of those horrible Muggle automobiles." She ran a finger quickly across the corner of her eye. Black was horrified to see she was crying. Suddenly she straightened and gave him a sad smile. "Oh- where are my manners? Biscuit dear?"

"Er- no that's alright." Black muttered, grimacing slightly as another cat jumped next to him on the sofa. "I can't stay long, afraid this visit is all about business."

"I see." Figg nodded and closed the album, placing it off to the side. "Is there some problem at Hogwarts, dear?"

"I'm sure you've seen the reports in the Daily Prophet? Those concerning Professor Snape?" Black replied, taking another sip.

Figg's silver eyebrows pinched together at the name of the former Death Eater. "I have," she said, her voice clipped and very harsh.

Black nodded and set the china on the coffee table before him, a few inches away from a slumbering Persian. "Well, seems his condition is improved slightly-"

"How unfortunate." She snipped.

"Er…" Black blinked in surprise a few times before allowing a small smile. "Yes. There we are in agreement."

"I always knew you weren't guilty- my boy. Gut instinct, you know. And while I was at work I had seen Pettigrew speaking to Mr. Malfoy on occasion. Very unusual for a Gryffindor to associate himself with a Slytherin whom everyone knew was a supporter." Figg said, leaning over to pat his hand with her own heavily wrinkled one. Then she drew back into her seat and her expression darkened. "If there was any Death Eater more horrible than Lucius Malfoy it was Snape. I was the one often recovering his victims, you know- far before he ever pleaded with Albus. He treated those people as little more than experiments. It was inhuman." Her eyes clouded at the memory, and her mouth turned into a thin line.

"Snape's always been cold and uncaring," Black stated, nodding his head. "Walking around as if he were better than the rest of us. I can't see why Dumbledore would even think of letting him around kids."

"Because Snape is the most ruthless and calculating Slytherin since Salazar himself. All our other spies failed to infiltrate Voldemort's circle. Albus truly had no choice but to trust Snape- although Albus assures me that his desire for redemption is sincere." Figg sniffed the air contemptuously. "I have my doubts."

"Well, you won't hear me defending the greasy git," Black added, feeling the old hatred bubbling to the surface.

"Since Albus is on his side, he needs no one else to support him. Although, I often wonder if he truly is working for Albus, or if he is still under You Know Who's control. I think he's a playing for both teams- waiting to see who comes out the winner in all this," Figg added, taking another sip.

Black nodded. "That sounds more like the Snape I knew. Damn everyone else if his own hide is safe."

"Yes. He and Malfoy share that in common. Either would sacrifice their own mothers to be kept safe." She sighed and refilled Black's cup. "But, we digress. What did you want to see me about?"

"Snape is speaking again, and he muttered something that has Lupin wondering what it is," Black replied.

"Well?" Figg asked, holding her cup in mid-motion.

"Ba phuy." Black replied. "Bit of a mess of baby jargon."

"Ba phuy?" Figg muttered to herself. "Hm. Very peculiar."

"Mhm." Black responded- warily eyeing the cat trying to seat itself on his lap wearily.

"You know, babies will often shorten words that are too difficult to pronounce. Leave off consonants at the end." Figg stated after a few moments. "Ba could be bottle. Phuy? Hm. No, that doesn't make any sense- does it?"

"Nothing he says or does make sense." Black muttered.

"Now, now, Mr. Black- we mustn't take that attitude." Figg admonished. She tapped her finger against her chin. "My darling little niece used to say ba instead of bad."

"Bad phuy?" Black shook his head. "That makes even less sense."

"Well either way it's speculation." Figg replied, nibbling on a biscuit. "We must consider this from Snape's perspective. What would be so urgent to communicate?"

Black shrugged. "Whatever he didn't have a chance to report."

"Exactly." Figg stated. "Now, I know that initiations are at the end of this year. Albus was pushing Snape very hard to keep as many students as he could from entering the ranks."

"Do you think this has something to do with that?" Black asked, his eyebrows raised.

"It may, or it could just be Snape asking for his favorite toy."

"Well, who are the kids at risk?" Black questioned, leaning forward on the sofa.

"Snape wouldn't say. He was very adamant about that. He claimed that until they actually received the Dark Mark- he would not incriminate them." Figg answered, her distaste for such a decision marring her features. "He refused to tell either myself or Moody anything. Even Albus is not sure." Figg leaned towards him. "But there is a list."

"How do you know?"

"Moody." Figg smirked. "Constant vigilance- remember? He convinced Snape that in the event of his death we had to have access to the knowledge. So Snape grudgingly agreed to keep detailed records of the suspected students- and all his meetings with the Death Eaters- in his journal. It would immediately go to Dumbledore in the event of his 'untimely demise' as he put it. Knowing Snape's rampant paranoia, it's doubtlessly charmed to only open for himself- until his death when the charm would switch to Dumbledore."

Black sat back and smiled. "Find the journal, and we'll have our answer."

"But Snape isn't dead," Figg pointed out. "Merely- incapacitated. And hardly in a position to show it to anyone."

Black felt the smile melt away.

"YOU LOST HIM!" Hermione screeched at Harry and Ron- who looked very uncomfortable. She slammed the door to her room shut in their faces and Ron and Harry glanced guiltily at each other. The invisibility cloak was draped over one of Harry's arms and he sighed with Ron.

"It's ok, Hermione." Harry said through the door. "Ron and I have a contingency plan for this."

"Yeah- we thought of it the first time we lost him," Ron added.

The door flew open to reveal a seething Hermione, now dressed in her Hogwarts uniform instead of her pajamas. "The first time?!"

"Shh- it's the middle of the night." Harry murmured, before grabbing her arm and dragging her from the room. "Look."

He dug into his pocket and pulled out a small bit of parchment. Ron smiled as relief flooded Hermione's features. "Thank goodness." She whispered.

Harry took his wand and uttered, "we solemnly swear we are up to no good," before tapping his wand against the parchment. It blinked to life and Harry tapped it once again. "Show me where Professor Snape is at."

A black dot labeled Snape appeared a few levels away from the Tower- down in the Dungeons.

"How did the tiny bloke get all the way down there?" Ron muttered aloud.

"Who knows," Harry replied. He began walking down the steps and into the empty Common Room. "OK. We'll just follow the map and grab Snape." He threw the invisibility cloak over their heads. There was a brief pause while the three situated themselves so that the cloak completely covered him.

"Do you think he's in the Potions Classroom?" Hermione asked softly as Ron yanked open the Portrait door.

"No, this isn't the classroom." Harry replied just as quietly. "I hope he's not in Slytherin's Common room. That's the last place I want to have to go."

"No kidding." Ron replied as the three swept through the tower halls- moving for the staircases. "I'm not getting into a duel over Snape."

The three made their way with as much speed as they could down the staircases (Harry sure to avoid the trick stair) and soon found themselves inching through the Dungeons. There was no light- and they had to depend on the outline of the walls and the three dots on the map to guide them.

They passed the Potions Classroom and Snape's offices. The Slytherin dormitories were beyond, and the grew increasingly worried. Suddenly- still a bit off from the entrance- the black dot labeled 'Snape' was show extremely close by, separated from them by a stone wall to the right.

"Must be a trick wall." Ron whispered as they flung the cloak off.

Harry nodded and began running his hands over the stones. "Strange." He replied.

Hermione took the map from him and tapped it with her wand. "How do we get through?"

The map blinked out for a moment, before writing appeared.

Fred advises you to keep far away from that place. _Unless you want to get caught._

Hermione blinked in surprise. Fred and George Weasley, Ron's older twin brothers and previous keepers of the Marauder's map. They must have imprinted their own discoveries and updated the old magical parchment.

"What's beyond it?" Hermione asked the parchment.

George and I would rather not say.

Terribly frightful place.

Bad memories.

Gray nightshirts.

The parchment shivered.

"Well, of all the-" Hermione hissed and handed the parchment over to Ron. "You talk to them."

Ron sighed and tapped the parchment with his wand. "Ron, your brother, asks you to tell us how to get in."

Don't want to go there, Ron. Worse than walking in on mum and dad.

"Don't remind me." Ron whispered, his face going white with the memory.

Trust your elders. No good can come of going in there.

"Look, if you don't say how to get in- I'll tell Mum how the toilet overflowed." Ron hissed.

Alright, but don't say we didn't warn you. Third stone from the floor, the one with a huge chip. Just tap it with your shoe.

"_Luminos_." Ron said, pointing his wand towards the floor. In a few moments, he spotted the stone they were talking about. He kicked his foot out lightly- and tapped the stone with the toe of his boot.

A section of the wall disappeared in a flicker, leaving a large black door in its place. In the middle was the Slytherin shield in Silver. The snake upon the shield, which at first looked inanimate, slowly turned its head and glared at them with emerald eyes. The three Gryffindors blinked in surprise.

Now you've done it. He's in there you know.

Not going to be happy- disturbing his sleep.

"Oh shut up. Mischief managed." Ron tapped the parchment again and wiped the words away.

Harry gulped and reached for the handle. The Snake's eyes narrowed, but it didn't do anything else. Harry turned the knob, hoping that Snape was going to be alright. The knob refused to budge.

"Locked." Harry whispered to the others.

Hermione pointed her wand at it. "_Alohamora_."

The Snake shook it's head. "Hisssssss"

"What did it say?" Ron whispered, taking a step back.

"Simple unlocking spells don't work on it." Harry answered, tilting his head at the Snake. "We need the password if we're going in uninvited."

"Invited by what?" Ron asked, shivering slightly.

"We've got to get in there, Harry! Snape's in there!" Hermione said with urgency.

Harry nodded and hissed something to the Snake in Parseltongue. The Snake shook its head and hissed back. Harry hissed something again in reply, and the Snake examined the other two before hissing again.

"What in the world are you two discussing? The weather?" Ron asked- obviously still uneasy.

Harry sighed and turned to them. "I told him that we had to go in and retrieve Snape. He asked for the purpose, and I told him we were entrusted to keep him safe. The snake said that he's safer in there than any part of the castle."

"Well, we still need to get him." Hermione told the snake matter-of-factly. "We'll wake up the Headmaster if we have to."

The snake shook its head. "Passss word."

Hermione gave the snake her own glare. "I know more than just 'simple' unlocking spells you know."

Hisssssssss.

Harry paled. "Uh- you don't wanna know." He answered when Hermione looked for a translation.

"Let's just figure out the password, then." Ron said when Hermione began turning a shade of red with her fury. The Weasley thought for several seconds. "What was the one Draco used in second year? Pureblood?"

The Snake shook its head.

"Right then. Um, Slytherin?"

Another shake.

"Salazar?"

Another shake.

It went on like that for another ten minutes. Finally the trio were all leaning against the wall and just shooting out random phrases or words. "Dungeons? Elf? Socks? Rumpelstiltskin?"

Ron threw up his arms in exasperation. "Could you give us a hint?"

"Wait- maybe it already did." Hermione said- sitting up. It was clear from the look in her eyes that the figurative light bulb had been turned on. "The snake said he's safer in there than any other part of the castle- right?"

"Yeah." Harry replied, his brow furrowed. He wasn't following her.

Hermione hopped to her feet and looked down at them with a smirk. "And what is a place of refuge called?"

They gave her blank looks.

Hermione turned to the snake and folded her arms. "Sanctuary."

The snake nodded and the sound of a click floated through the air.

"Brilliant Hermione!" Ron exclaimed as he stood up.

Harry hesitated before turning the handle. "But- you guys- if this is a sanctuary then why are Fred and George so terrified of it?" After the Chamber of Secrets, Harry was a little skeptical of any hidden areas protected by snakes.

"And who has to invite us in?" Ron said before gulping and taking out his wand.

Hermione retrieved her own wand and kept it trained ahead of her. "Guess we'll find out. Go on Harry, we've got to get Severus."

The Boy Who Lived nodded and, with a deep breath, opened the door.

In a different part of the castle, Remus Lupin watched as his long time friend crossed back and forth on the rug furnishing his living room. The Professor smiled to himself at the thought of Sirius causing a well-worn path in it by his pacing.

Sirius suddenly sighed and plopped unceremoniously next to him on the couch. "Why does one woman need so many cats?"

"Loneliness I would think." Lupin commented before picking up another essay to grade.

Sirius snorted in amusement. "I thought people got dogs for that."

"It's why I've kept you around so long." Lupin agreed with a smile as he noted a suggestion in the margin.

"We need to get hold of that journal." Sirius suddenly announced, gripping the armrest tightly. "There could be a hundred little Death Eaters running around and we'd have no clue."

"I doubt that's the case Sirius." Lupin stated as his quill scratched against the parchment. "Severus would never let so many of the children fall down that path."

"No- he'd shove them all." Black snarled in retort. "He doesn't give a damn about the kids, Remus. You've seen how he treats them. The Longbottom boy is so frightened I can still smell the fear even after he's left the room."

Lupin sighed and laid the quill and the rest of the papers onto the table. With an aura of serenity that always seemed around him (except when it was too near to the full moon) he carefully regarded Black. "You don't really think that- do you Sirius?"

"I don't trust him." Black replied, folding his arms. "He's just-- creepy. Always has been. And so damned cold. I don't think he cares about anything but himself."

"He cared about some things," Lupin stated- purposefully obscure.

Black grimaced. "Well, Lily just had that effect on everybody."

Lupin nodded, the familiar sorrow at Lilly's absence still pressing, even after a decade. "She did."

"Besides, he should have known Lily would never have wanted him. It was a mockery to even think it." Black pointed out, locking his jaw. The subject always made him irritable. Doubtlessly always would. "She was lively, outgoing, and kind. Complete opposite of that git."

"You know what some say about opposites." Lupin pointed out with a smirk. At Black's infuriated look, Lupin sighed and switched tracks. "Sirius- why was it easy for you to give her up to James?"

Sirius blinked a few times before sighing. "Because they made each other so happy." He stated easily. "And they were both my friends. Especially James." He added softly.

"So it was just convenient to pin your misery at loosing Lily to James on Snape?" Lupin prodded. "The creepy guy who had nobody? Rather than risk loosing James and Lily?"

"Shut up Remus." Black growled. "It wasn't like that at all."

"I think it was." Lupin replied, standing and moving towards the bookshelf. "You really need to get over this hatred of Snape. He's doing what he can. We're on the same side."

"Bullocks." Black retorted, folding his arms in a manner that reminded Lupin of a scolded four-year-old. "How do you know he isn't playing for both teams? Figg and Moody think he is."

"Figg and Moody are both used to seeing the worst in people." Lupin replied. "I'll agree that Snape isn't the nicest man I've ever met, and that he is definitely not all peaches and cream. I'll also admit that I don't like him personally. He's cunning, short tempered, and judgmental. But I will tell you this- I believe him. But, more importantly, Dumbledore believes him, and at the end of the day that's what matters."

Lupin selected a book from the shelf and handed it over to Black.

Black lifted his eyebrow as he regarded it. "What's this?"

"Read it." Lupin replied.

"It's not-"

Lupin shook his head. "No, it's not the journal."

Black opened the book up and started rummaging through the pages. "It's poetry. I hate poetry."

Lupin smiled sadly. "It's Lily's poetry."

"Oh." Black replied softly, going back to the first page and regarding it with fondness. "Well- why give it to me?"

"I'm not giving it to you, Sirius." Lupin corrected. "I'm lending it. When Harry turns sixteen it's going to him. I think he should be a little older before he looks through it. Some of those are very private, to be honest. The same one's you need to examine to understand-"

"BLOODY HELL!" Sirius screeched as he got to the third one. Lupin winced. "SNAPE?!"

"Sirius…" Lupin warned. "It's not our place to judge."

"But! But! _His eyes are lit with a midnight fire, burning my soul with a forbidden heat?! _What the hell???!!"

Lupin couldn't help but smirk at the expression on Black's face. Like he had just smelled something terribly repulsive.

Lupin had been a bit shocked the first time he read it, but also thought it very touching. Lily and Snape never actually had a romantic relationship, due mostly to their houses and their friends, but it was clear that she had, at one time, wanted one. And from what Dumbledore had told Lupin, Snape never stopped wanting the same.

And, although the crafty old Wizard would never say the reason Snape had came to him for help- Lupin had strong suspicions as to why the change of heart.

Snape was Lily's friend right to the very end. And for that alone, Lupin trusted him. He had even honored Dumbledore's request about keeping Black a secret. Snape would not betray any of them.

Unlike some other former friends he could think of.

Black shut the book, after reading a few other poems, with an expression of horror on his features. "I'll be damned."

"You might." Lupin replied with cheer. "But she did have a nice stanza about your- shall we say- prowess as well?"

Black snickered. "Oh, I would have given her so much crap over that."

Both men's features fell slightly- realizing they couldn't.

Black cleared his throat. "Right then. You should give this to Harry." He sat the book on the table. "He would probably get a right kick out of it."

"I don't know." Lupin replied, eyeing the book thoughtfully. "Might be a bit more information than Harry can handle."

"Well- he certainly doesn't need to know what his mum thought of my bum. But, that is the price of knowledge." Sirius smiled rather-- wolfishly-- before continuing. "And there is some really touching stuff about James. I think Harry would like to read those."

"What about the Snape issue?" Lupin asked, trying to sound casual.

Black's face darkened a bit, but then he sighed. "Well- that's really up to the Git, I suppose. But, on the other side, these are Lily's thoughts." Black shrugged. "I don't know, Remus. I'd just give it to Harry. He needs something to connect himself to them."

Lupin nodded. "You're right."

"Of course I am." Black stated as if that was obvious. Lupin merely smiled benignly. "I still don't like Snape- mind you- but I suppose I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Till he proves he really is a back stabbing wanker. Then I'll kill him."

"That's the spirit!" Lupin said brightly. "After all, we have other problems to worry about- other than old feuds. Like finding a way to get Snape's '_voice of a dark god whom whispers temptation' _back to normal."

Black winced. "I think I'm scarred for life."

The hidden room down inside the Dungeons was in complete darkness as the door slowly creaked open. The trio lit their wands and peered at the soft shapes slowly taking shape under the soft blue glow, warily waiting for something to attack.

When nothing outright assailed them, they all breathed a collective sigh of relief.

The room was a bit smaller than the Gryffindor common room, but did appear to serve as some sort of sitting area. Harry could make out the leather sofa situated in front of a fire place. Next to it was a large armchair, which was angled slightly.

Hermione advanced to the grate and after a few whispered words, fire leapt from her wand and onto the wood. The fireplace roared to life, lending much more light to the room.

Bookshelves were everywhere along the walls- and brimming with leather tomes. Hermione's mouth dropped open and she temporarily forgot the reason for their visit. "Oh- this is wonderful!" She breathed with awe. He hands were already running themselves along the spines, appreciation emanating from her slender frame.

Ron and Harry were more impressed by the lavish décor. There was a definite aura of culture and refinement about the room. The walls were painted in dark green, the same shade as the warm carpet beneath their feet. Several expensive antiquities served to make it look less sparse, and a large mahogany desk (covered in neatly arranged stacks of papers) was sitting on the other side across from them next to a second door.

Harry found himself wondering who had originally decorated the room.

He snapped himself out of the trance and gazed at the floors. "Where's Snape?"

"Maybe in another room?" Ron answered, passing Hermione and approaching the second door. It was partially open and his head disappeared for a moment, followed by a flickering light from within the other room. "There you are! Wake up, you sneaky scoundrel."

Harry heard the muffled reply. "Weezy!"

Hermione's head snapped over to where Ron was standing and she quickly strode over to join him. Ron proceeded her into the room, and Hermione's eyes widened as she got an unobstructed view. "Wow- Harry come look at this!"

Harry obeyed and soon found himself gazing into the largest bedroom he had ever seen in his life. Not to mention the largest four poster bed in the entire world. The velvet green drapings were open, and revealed the tiny Professor sitting upright in the center of the huge bed. A bed that could easily accommodate six adults with more than enough room.

A tall armoire was directly across the open door, and Ron had pulled it open. "Oh-- Merlin's teeth-"

"What?" Hermione asked, already making her way to Snape.

"Take a look." Ron answered, looking very green in the face. "I think I know who lives here."

Harry strode over and peered into the open furnishing.

Black robes- dozens of them- were all hanging without a hanger, doubtlessly due to the cleaver use of a levitation charm. Robes that Harry had seen every day for most of his life at Hogwarts. Robes which, in motion, always billowed with menace.

"Snape." He stated. "These are Snape's quarters."

Hermione whirled around and tilted her head. "You sure?"

"Pretty sure." Ron answered, taking one of the hanging robes. He threw them around his figure, and noticed the good foot or so of fabric which dragged on the floor. He crossed his arms over his chest and did his best 'Snape glare' at the others. "_You _two had better have a good excuse for traipsing into my bedroom without knocking. Some would call this-" here Ron 'swooped' over in front of Harry and drew closer with narrowing eyes, "an invasion of _privacy, _Mr. Potter."

Harry couldn't help but grin widely at his friend. "Never knew you did impressions of Snape."

Ron shrugged and dropped his arms to the side. "Fred and George think it's hilarious."

"Well- I don't." Hermione stated as she got onto the bed and crawled towards Snape. "I think it's terribly immature. Not to mention rude."

"_Miss Granger_!" Ron suddenly snapped towards Hermione. "Kindly stop crawling about my bed. It is most unseemly- people could get the wrong impression."

"Shut up, Ron." Hermione hissed through her clenched teeth.

Snape shied away from her hand as she reached out for him. Harry saw that he still had his doll clenched tightly against his body.

And, amazingly, he was sucking on his thumb.

Harry shook his head, trying to banish away the image, knowing that if he pictured it in future classes he would likely burst into laughter. And that would result in heavy point losses for Gryffindor. "Say," Harry began, "how'd he get up there, anyway?"

"Who knows." Ron answered as he examined the robe he still wore. "Hey, this thing has, like, fifty hidden pockets. Wicked."

Ron turned back to the wardrobe and started shuffling around its contents. Hermione turned around and huffed at him. "Ronald Weasley!" She scolded. "That is definitely an invasion of privacy!"

"Just curious." Ron answered. He reached onto the upper shelf and lifted an eyebrow. "Something weird up here."

"Well leave it be." Hermione snapped.

"Hm- feels cold." Ron said, ignoring Hermione. He latched onto the item and withdrew his arm.

Once the object was revealed, he promptly dropped it to the floor as if it had burned his hand. "Merlin!"

Laying on the floor, was the shining silver mask of a Death Eater.

"Ok, that's enough." Harry said, shaking slightly as he picked it up off the floor. He threw it back onto the shelf and shuddered. "No more poking around in the Professor's closet."

"No kidding." Ron breathed, his face terribly pale.

Hermione had managed to snatch Snape and was now making her way back across the giant bed. "Serves you right, Ron." She said, her voice also shaking slightly. It was a rude reminder that Snape wasn't truly an innocent babe. She reached the edge of the mattress and stood on the floor, her Professor tightly in her grip and still sucking his thumb.

"Let's get out of here." Harry suggested, walking through the door to the sitting room. "This isn't someplace to be hanging around."

Ron followed, still wearing Snape's robe, and the three exited to the sitting room. Hermione paused in front of the bookshelves with Snape.

"I wonder." She whispered, her eyes grazing the titles.

"Oh- come on Hermione!" Ron said- exasperated. "You were the one saying not to snoop through his stuff."

"But there are books on Potions here not in Hogwart's library." She answered stiffly. "Not to mention stuff in the Restricted section. Give me a few minutes to look through them. I may find something to help."

"Yeah- and probably half of them are on the Dark Arts." Ron pointed out. "Stuff you shouldn't be looking through."

Hermione nodded absently. "Yes, there are quite a few on that."

Ron shook his head. "You AREN'T taking any of those." He said. "They're not safe. And would probably get you expelled."

"No- I wouldn't take any of those." Hermione agreed, still with that far away voice. "Oh- here's one on Animangi." She gazed down at the baby in her arms. "Are you an animangus Professor?"

Snape just looked up with a sleepy expression.

"Guess your not in a position to say." Hermione muttered before placing him on the floor. "Keep him away from the fire. I'm going to see what I can take with us."

Harry and Ron exchanged a knowing look and sighed. Ron walked back to the door and closed it- best not to risk a Slytherin finding out they were in their Head of House's rooms. Then went and plopped onto the leather sofa.

Harry looked around, and spotted a chess set on the desk. "Hey Ron, want to play a game?"

"Hm?" Ron asked, lifting his head. Harry pointed to the set on the desk. Ron's face scrunched distastefully. "Are you kidding? Chess sets have personalities like their owners. I don't want to sit and be insulted the whole game."

Harry shrugged and picked up the Professor, taking him over to the desk and setting him on top. He then sat in the large leather chair and looked at the papers stacked on top. Snape simply continued to suck his thumb and play with his werewolf doll.

Harry gently moved him from the top of the desk to his lap, and when he was satisfied Snape would stay he turned his attention to the stack of parchment. Taking the top one, he scanned it quickly. "Hey." He stated to the others. "Here's our test results from two weeks ago. The ones we never got back."

"What did I get?" Ron asked as he continued to rummage through the folds of Snape's robe.

Harry flicked through the papers, until finally finding Ron's. He pulled it out and winced at all the red ink on the parchment. A large twenty one was written at the top. "Twenty one." Harry answered sympathetically.

"What?!" Ron exclaimed- his head jerking to the side. He glared at Snape. "You biased little Slytherin worm!"

Snape smirked as he continued to make his werewolf 'prance'. "Iythut."

"I am not an idiot!" Ron shouted back. "You are!"

"Nuh." Snape replied. "Weezyz sthupa."

Harry cleared his throat and decided to read some more 'sensible' comments from Snape on the matter. "'Mr. Weasley, your grasp of the Jobberknoll feathers in memory potions makes me wonder why I bother to waste time in this profession at all. Obviously nothing I have said during lecture in the past has gotten through that helmet of red hair. Perhaps it would be better if you attempted to learn through osmosis- strapping the potions text to your face and hoping the words would seep into your brain. Otherwise I'm afraid that your chances of passing this class are next to non existent.'"

Harry risked a peek at his friend's quickly reddening face. He swallowed a bit before continuing.

"'While it is true that Jobberknoll feathers are, how did you put it, ah yes- 'a bit willy' when combined with porcupine quills, I feel that I must point out that there are several other ingredients one may use to balance the 'willy' effects out. None of which you listed. Therefore- I had to disregard your entire argument.'"

"You-- bastard!" Ron hissed at the baby.

"'Although I did find your colorful illustration of proper stirring techniques rather entertaining, this is not a sketch class Mr. Weasley. Consequently, this entire waste of parchment does not meet the required length of the assignment. I'm afraid five points will have to be deducted from Gryffindor for this. SS.'"

Ron's mouth dropped open, and then promptly shut. "I hate you." He whispered, turning back to the fire.

Snape smirked and continued to teeth into the doll.

"How did I do, Harry?" Hermione asked from the bookshelf. Harry looked over and saw a stack ten books high and winced at the thought of carrying everything under the cloak.

"Hold on, I'll grab it." Harry replied and again flipped through the parchment. He found Hermione's near the bottom and lifted an eyebrow. "Looks like it was one of the first he graded."

Ron snorted.

Harry gingerly removed it and smiled at the ninety-nine up top. "You got a ninety-nine Hermione! Great job!"

Hermione and Ron both startled and -simultaneously- shouted.

"He actually said great job!"

"Only a ninety-nine! What did I miss?!"

Harry blinked and shook his head at Ron. "No, I said great job." He then regarded Hermione. "Hermione- Snape is the most demanding professor in the entire school. You should be happy."

"Happy?! He ALWAYS finds something to take off. Last time it was for a T that, he claimed, looked like an L. He knew very well it was a T. It was clearly crossed." Hermione retorted.

Harry turned to the parchment and read the note next to the grade.

"'Miss Granger, since I am sure you will come up to me after class to argue that you, in fact, deserve a perfect score- let me remind you before hand that my grading is NON-NEGOTIABLE. That out of the way, I will say you have demonstrated adequate knowledge of the Jobberknoll feather. However, you forgot to dot an I in the word stir. I have taken the liberty of circling the word for you, so that you may easily examine your error over and over again as you will doubtlessly do. No need to thank me, Miss Granger, for helping to correct your mistake. All part of my required role in assisting you to become the perfect little miss know-it-all witch you strive to be. SS.'"

When Harry finished all three pairs of eyes turned to glare at the baby on the desk. Said baby simply stared unconcerned in return.

"Bastard." Ron whispered again.

Harry had to agree. That was a pretty lame excuse for giving Hermione a score of ninety-nine.

She 'harrumphed' and turned back to the shelf. "_You _better be grateful I strive so hard, Professor." She muttered angrily. "Not dotting my I."

Harry laid the parchment to the side and went through the stack in search of his own paper. On the way, he spied Draco's. "A perfect score?!"

"Huh?" Ron looked up from his seat and Hermione turned in question- a very fuming look on her face.

"Draco got a perfect score." Harry stated as he pulled the parchment out.

Ron and Hermione both snorted. "Of course he did." Ron stated. "He's the Professor's little arse kisser."

"Mr. Malfoy-"

But before Harry could read the note of glowing praise which caused his eyes to boggle slightly- Snape's tiny voice interrupted him.

"BA PHUY!" He screeched. "BA BA BA PHUY!"

Harry dropped the parchment in astonishment, and gazed at Snape. "Ba phuy?"

Snape nodded fiercely and reached his chubby hand out for Draco's essay. "Ba phuy!!"

"OF COURSE!" Hermione squealed in delight as she ran over to Snape. "Malfoy! Bad Malfoy!"

Snape nodded and smiled widely at Hermione. "Ba phuy!"

Harry blinked in surprise. "Oh ya."

"But, Malfoy did good." Ron pointed out.

"No- Snape's not referring to the tests Ron." Hermione snapped. "He's talking about Malfoy in general."

Snape shook his head.

"Or not." Hermione corrected with a frown. "How has Malfoy been bad, Professor?"

Snape attempted to lean over the edge of the armrest of the leather chair they were both seated in. Harry held out his hands to grab Snape when he got close to the edge, but Hermione shook her head. "He's doing something."

Snape then stretched his tiny arms out as far as he could, and managed to grab a hold of a part of the desk. It was a great struggle for him to pull on it. Harry turned to look and saw it was some type of drawer that was hidden from view- except the small seem which Snape was trying to yank free.

"I see it." Harry told Snape and reached over to help. Snape pulled his arm back up and waited until Harry managed to pull the drawer open.

Inside was a small book encased in black leather. Snape pointed at it. "Gwab." He instructed.

Harry took it from the drawer and laid it on top of the desk. He tried to pry it open, but the cover felt as if it weighed a ton. Harry pulled with all his might, straining his muscles, before giving up and puffing from the exertion.

Ron whistled. "Won't open for you Harry." He said. Ron was now standing next to Hermione and watching.

Snape lifted a black brow and smirked. "Thult." He then leaned over and- with an ease- opened the cover.

Harry gaped at Snape for a few seconds, in which time Snape fell back onto Harry's chest and laughed. Finally Harry shrugged and turned to the journal.

"Do you think it's safe?" Hermione wondered aloud. "I mean- remember Riddle?"

"The writing is pretty easy to see." Harry answered without concern. He flipped through the pages and read the dates up top. "Maybe we shouldn't though. I mean, a journal is a really private thing."

Ron shrugged. "If he didn't want you to read it he wouldn't have opened it. Let alone shown you where it was."

"True." Harry stated.

Snape suddenly sat back up and pushed Harry's hands away. Harry frowned. "Sorry Professor, I didn't mean-"

"Pooper!" Snape snapped, shaking his head slightly. He then turned back to the journal and used his pudgy little hands to flip through the pages. He did not take great care, and many of them became wrinkled or folded as he went. Snape sighed and turned to Harry. "Wist."

"Wrist?" Harry asked.

"Nuh." Snape shook his head.

"A list?" Hermione inquired.

Snape nodded and smiled. "Wist."

"You know, sometimes I feel like we're all stuck in a big game of charades." Ron muttered, turning the book in semi circle so he was looking down at it. He quickly flipped through and searched.

After a few minutes he stopped and inhaled sharply. "Uh oh." Ron mumbled. "You guys better read this. Found the list he's talking about. It's no school supply list either."

Hermione looked down over his shoulder and gasped. Her hands quickly flew to her mouth.

Harry grabbed the book away from them and turned it back towards himself. He saw what they meant.

Likely Recipients of the Dark Mark

• Draco Malfoy

• Vincent Crabbe

•_ Gregory Goyle_

• Tracy Davis

• Blaise Zambini

• Milicent Bulstrode

While I am uncertain as to the allegiances of Mr. Pucey and Miss Parkinson- I am very certain that the six listed above will turn. Mr. Malfoy in particular, since I know his father, Lucius Malfoy, is placing him under great pressure (which both have confirmed to me upon discreet inquiry to the matter). Although Lucius will not say (in a less than roundabout nature) it is clear that he has cast Crucio on Draco at least four times in the past. I am certain probably more that Draco will not confess to me.

Vincent and Gregory follow Draco- but the clear allegiances there are with Lucius. I believe they spy on Draco as much as follow his orders. Draco seems unaware of this- although the boy may have inklings. I believe he is satisfied just to have, as he has referred to them, lackeys. Both are certainly eager to obtain the mark for themselves. I see no way of reversing their decision without giving away my role. It distresses me greatly, for if Vincent and Gregory both take the Mark, there will be little Draco will be able to do to avoid it, with pressure at home and in his own room at school.

Tracy Davis is a less clear case. I believe she will eventually decline, but I am not sure. Observation has led me to believe Tracy is somewhat ignored by the others- which could be either a good or bad situation. Only time will tell what she decides to do.

Millicent Bulstrode is striving so hard to achieve a marriage into the Malfoy family I have little doubt she will take the mark if only to improve her standing with Narcissa and Lucius. It is, in my opinion, likely that Lucius will arrange a binding for she and Draco. I am also certain Draco will be very unhappy about the decision. It seems Mr Malfoy has very little control over his fate.

Blaise Zambini has been to several rallies and has a rather distressing nature. I believe he is too far gone to be pulled back. I recommend assigning an Unspeakable to watch Mr. Zambini as soon as he leaves Hogwarts, and within a year I am confident they will be able to put Blaise into Azkaban. It is with a heavy heart that I must concede that point.

Of all of them, Draco and Tracy have the largest chance to be saved. Tracy will be easier to keep the mark off of than Draco. The only hope young Mr Malfoy gives me is a comment made in jest that, "A Malfoy should bow to no man". I hope he will follow the right path, but I am not willing to reveal myself as a traitor to persuade him. It is to risky for us both. I will say Malfoy is not to be trusted. Of all the Death Eater's children, Draco is spoken of the most. Voldemort certainly knows who he is.

Harry looked up from the journal and pressed his lips together. "Well- that certainly isn't all too surprising, Professor."

Snape turned away from Harry and sniffled a few times.

The Gryffindor trio were astounded to see tears silently coursing down Snape's cheeks.

The way back to the Gryffindor Common room was awkward- to say the least. Because all three were forced to float a stack of books each- they had to tie a conjured string around Snape to lead him through the halls. It was very slow going and they were increasingly worried about being caught out of bed at the late hour. Even with Hermione's status as Prefect, explaining why they all had personal belongings of a Professor would be complicated.

Inside Harry's robes was also the small black journal- which he discovered not only contained a detailed account of the six suspects activities, but also a record of every Death Eater gathering Snape had attended since re-entering the fold. Just at a cursory browse, Harry discovered what Lupin and Black meant by the amount of information Snape had gathered for the Order of the Phoenix.

He was now hell bent on assisting Hermione in discovering a potion to help return Snape back to normal. He was also intent on not letting Snape out of his sights again.

There were six Death Eater recruits in Hogwarts. Six pairs of hands that could abduct him.

Harry didn't like that one bit.

He now understood the true reason Dumbledore had placed him in their care. Dumbledore would have been stupid to place him with the Slytherins, when Snape could no longer defend himself.

He was so caught up in his musings- he nearly ran into the back of Ron. "What now?" Harry whispered.

"Mrs. Norris." Ron replied softly, pointing down the hall to the cat standing and watching them.

"This is bad." Harry murmured, feeling the 'leash' on Snape go completely slack. Snape was waddling past him, all eyes focused on Mrs. Norris.

"Kithy!" He said with delight.

Mrs. Norris sniffed the air, and then tilted her head to the side. She gave a soft mew.

"Kithy! Kithy kithy kithy!" Snape repeated, continually advancing at an odd warble.

The trio just stood and watched, hoping that perhaps Mrs. Norris would be convinced Snape would handle the 'students out of bed' and leave them all alone.

As soon as Snape was close enough, he dropped onto his hands and knees and crawled next to Mrs. Norris. The three exchanged a glance, and gave a collective shrug. They thought perhaps they would get off scott free. That was, until Snape uttered his next word.

"Pushunz!" He stated with a rather sadistic undertone- suddenly springing himself onto Mrs. Norris.

As the cat screeched with dismay at the unforeseen attack, Ron drew in a breath. "He's gonna dissect her!"

"Don't be foolish." Hermione replied- warily looking around for Filch as Snape struggled with the cat. "He can't possible dissect her."

"That doesn't mean he won't try." Harry stated before rushing forward.

Mrs. Norris was in a fight for one of her nine lives as she tried to free herself. Snape was laying atop her, a good tuft of fur and skin in both his tiny fists. "Pushunz kithy!" He yelled as he bit down onto her ear.

"YOOOOOWWWWWLLL!" Mrs. Norris howled into the hallway as the tiny teeth clamped down on her.

The next chain of events would make Snape, formerly Mr. Filch's favorite Professor on staff, the most hated.

Just as Harry was about to intercede between cat and baby- several things happened at once.

Mrs. Norris managed to crawl out from Snape. Snape, seeing his ingredients about to escape, grabbed onto her tail. Not strong enough to keep her rooted in place- but strong enough to stall her for a critical moment in which she intended to turn around and take a swipe at his face.

It was then that Peeves the Poltergeist came barreling down the hallway with unnatural speed. He was speeding away from Filch (who was at that moment chasing him but a bit behind), and simultaneously causing as much damage as he could. Which was not out of the ordinary for the destructive ghost.

So it was that just as Snape yanked on Mrs. Norris' tail- Peeves crashed (purposefully and therefore solidly) into the suit of armor resting a few feet away. A suit of armor who held an axe in it's grip.

The tall decorative axe was jostled from the armor's hands.

In what seemed to Harry a frozen moment in time- it fell right towards Snape. It's arc of progress slow but unmistakable.

And so it was- that as the blade met the stone floor of Hogwarts-

Mrs. Norris' tail was severed from her body.

And left in the grip of the Potions Master.

"Woopsie oopsie!" Peeves sang as he flew away through the wall.

Ron, Harry, and Hermione could only stare horrified at Snape. Who was now swinging the tail around with glee. "Pushunz!" He exclaimed happily.

Mrs. Norris screeched like the wounded beast she was.

Mr. Filch rounded the corner.

"What's wrong there my precious-- **MRS. NORRIS**! WHAT 'APPENED TO YER TAIL!" Filch bellowed into the hallway.

Harry slowly backed away slowly from the scene. "Mr. Filch, I can explain everything." He stated desperately.

"YOU!" Filch said- shaking with rage as his eyes boggled onto Harry. "YER ALWAYS TRYING TO KILL MY MRS. NORRIS! WHY?!" Then his eyes flipped to Snape, who was giggling happily and still twirling Mrs. Norris' tail around like the blades of a helicopter. "PROFESSOR!"

Snape blinked in surprise and then smiled up at Filch. Showing him the prize. "Pushunz!"

"WHAT?!" Filch bellowed- causing Snape to wince slightly at the unmistakable threat.

"Pushunz?" He asked a little more quietly, slowly clutching the cat tail to his body.

"Mrs Norris is NOT to be put in your Potions, Snape!" Filch hissed. "I can't remember 'ow many times I've told you that!"

He then squatted down and picked up the still yowling Mrs. Norris. "You three are _mine_!" He shouted to the trio. "If not for poor Mrs. Norris 'ere I'd 'ave you ALL strung up by your thumbs! Or stretched on the rack. Instead, I 'ave to take 'er to the infirmary. And YOU-" Here he turned his gaze onto Snape, who was also gazing up with trepidation- "I'll deal with you when yer back to normal. But, believe me, I'll remember this the next time yer classroom floor needs scrubb'n!"

Snape still clutched the tail. "Philth?" He muttered.

"That's right. It'll be filthy year round." Filch hissed, then bent over and yanked Mrs. Norris' tail away.

Snape began to cry. "PUSHUNZ!!"

"NO! NO BODY PART OF MRS. NORRIS IS GOING INTO YOUR CAULDRON!" Filch screamed enraged. "DON'T SIT THERE CRYING OVER IT! YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED!"

Snape just continued to wail, and his cries making counterpoint to Mrs. Norris'. Filch growled and stomped past them, taking his beloved Mrs. Norris to the infirmary so she wouldn't become a 'bob tail cat'.

Harry sighed and picked Snape off the ground, wincing as his screams echoed in his ear. Ron and Hermione sighed- knowing they were going to get a lot of detentions for this.

Before Filch hit the staircase, they heard him turn around and yell, "A 'undred and fifty points from Gryffindor for being out past curfew! And two 'undred points from Slytherin for causing bodily 'arm to Mrs Norris!"

"Alright!" Ron exclaimed as soon as Filch disappeared down the steps. "Two hundred points!"

"This is all your fault, Ron." Harry stated as he turned to glare at the red head.

"Me? What did I do?" Ron asked, looking genuinely confused.

Harry shook his head sadly. "All those morbid stories about killing puppies and kittens have obviously warped his mind."

Ron's mouth dropped. "You're kidding?" Ron said as soon as he regained working control of his jaw. "He was morbid and warped before I was even born!"

Harry sighed and shouldered Snape before continuing down the corridor. Hoping his cries wouldn't wake up the entire school.

Author's Notes: Despite what this chapter may cause you to believe, I absolutely adore cats. In fact, I fancy myself as a future Arebella Figg- although not quite so many cats in my house. Anyway, I find the thought of Snape always threatening (especially in his younger days) to use the tattle tale (snicker) Mrs. Norris in his potions amusing. Especially her tail. So if you can appreciate the irony in that- then you probably got the humor. Albeit dark humor. Imagine the potency of using the tail of a tattle tale! *smirk*

I saw a bunch of people figured out the meaning of 'Ba phuy'. That's cool. For those of you who didn't, that's cool too.

Another of my fave parts is the 'skeleton in Snape's closet'. Ron really should have known better than to go browsing through there.

Let me also reinstate here, that Lily Potter NEVER had any romantic relationship with Snape. Only a friendship- held back by many factors. I too think that Snape had something of a crush on Lily, as I know a lot of Snape fans believe.

Just how lurid is that poetry book? Not very. And no, I'm not going to write out the poems inside because I absolutely share Sirius Black's opinion of poetry. Well- maybe not so forcefully. If any of you would like to write a couple of 'Lilly's poems' go for it. If you give permission, I may even include them in the story when Harry reads the book. You know at least two lines to use- and also there is the ode to Sirius' bum. If you write them and send them to me, and I use them, I will of course give credit. You can e-mail them to me or- hey- post them yourselves on FF.net Just remember- _Lilly's Book of Poetry _is a Three Gryffindors and A Baby idea ^.- As far as I know anyway…

This was a long chapter and my fingers hurt. I hope it's worth the pain.

Now I'm off to the Hospital Wing to help Poppy.

In the Next Chapter: The trio and Snape have a detention to serve. Black, meantime, goes in search of the Journal. Draco has a decision to make, and his two goons are there to help him. We discover if Mrs. Norris' tail was successfully re-attached. Hey- if they could do it for John Bobbit (ok- not gonna go there).

Oh ya- Snape ages some more ^.-

Hope to see you then!

Appendix II:

More Baby Babble

Listed in order of appearance in Chapter 8:

Weezy: Weasley (Ron)

Iythut: Idiot

Nuh: No

Weezyz sthupa: Weasley's Stupid (as in Ron)

Ba phuy: Bad Malfoy

Thult: Dolt

Gwab: Grab

Pooper: Potter (pooper?)

Wist: List

Kithy: Kitty

Pushunz: Potions

Philth: Filch (although, Filch thinks he means Filth)


	9. Rubber Ducky

**Three Gryffindors and a Baby**

Celeste

Disclaimer: Don't own it.  Don't make money off it.  Don't sue over it.

Special Thanks: To the readers.  Thanks for the patience.

A/N: I'm still not happy with Chapter 9.  There are actually seven different versions of it, and this is the one I finally decided to go with.  There is so much to put in, and a lot left out.  Ah well.  Least it's posted XD

Note 2- Not beta read.  Didn't want to bug poor Ramos who hasn't heard from me in months ;.;  Without her, I'm sure there are errors.  If you end up reading this, Ramos, and still want to beta (despite my dang slowness with these chappies) let me know.

**Chapter 9**

Rubber Ducky

_You're the one_

Harry blinked wearily down at the parchment before him as he slowly copied down another section from one of the enormous volumes of Transfiguration in McGonagall's personal collection.  He could feel the joints in his fingers grinding painfully with each movement of the quill.  Beside him, he heard Ron stifle another groan as his own copying went on.  Hermione, sitting up front near the playpen that held Snape, was actually humming a bit happily under her breath.

Sometimes she took the love of books and schoolwork to a point of mania.

Snape himself had been mostly silent.  He had been strangely reserved since the incident the week before with Mrs. Norris.  The victim of Snape's sudden violent outburst was again trotting around Hogwarts with tail intact.  Said tail twitched angrily while her ears laid back flat whenever the three and Snape passed by.

Too add further mortification, Snape continued to try and reach for the cat (while being held far away by Hermione) while crying for his 'pushunz'.  Filch was nastier to them than ever, and even Snape had to pause at the withering glares that easily triumphed over Snape's glares on the best of days.  Harry suspected Filch would continue to be cross with the Professor, at least until the Professor was restored to his usual towering self.

Harry suppressed his own sigh as the candlelight began to wane.  Just as he was convinced his hand was going to fall off, he heard the tale tell clip clop of McGonagall striding into the classroom.

"You may leave for the night," she stated while collecting the books before them herself.  "This finishes your detentions."

"Thank you, Professor."  The three chimed as one.  Although, a quick glance in Hermione's direction, revealed a slightly disappointed expression.  Ron must have noticed as well, since he rolled his eyes before picking up his bag.

Harry followed suit, and the two waited for Hermione to collect Snape before the three left their detention together.  Ron slumped forward as he walked, a desolate air about him.  "I can't take much more of this."  He said after several silent minutes through the corridors where the paintings watched them pass by.

"More of what?"  Harry asked, pushing his spectacles further up his nose.

Ron waved his hands, as if to encompass the entirety of his life.  "These nights of hardly any sleep.  The trouble he's causing us.  Insults.  Stuff leaking from every pore of his body."  Ron took a deep breath and sighed.  "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I want Snape back."

 "Ron," Hermione began in a soothing tone, "no one said this would be easy.  But try to look at this from Sevvie's perspective."  She adjusted the carrier on his back as she said his name.  "I'm convinced he's aware.  Can you imagine being trapped in the body and mind of a baby?  It must be absolutely horrid for him."

Ron grumbled something under his breath that was probably best kept from Hermione's ears.  Harry reached under his own glasses to rub at his eyes.  Ron was right; this needed to end before he collapsed of exhaustion.  "How's the potion coming along?"

"Pushunz!"  Snape exclaimed, as if on cue.

Hermione smiled absently before answering.  "We'll be ready for another try tomorrow.  His system will have worked out all of the potion by then."  She began chewing absently on her lower lip.  "I think I've been able to make it a bit more effective this time."

Ron looked over, excitement gleaming from his eyes.  "You've got it then?"

"Well," Hermione said slowly—cautiously forming the words, "I'm not entirely certain, Ron.  This is trial and error.  The last batch should have worked.  I'm a bit boggled why it didn't."  She looked wistfully over her shoulder.  "He would know why."

"All the bloody good it does us," Ron muttered.

While Hermione had been concentrating on the problem of an antidote for Snape, Harry and Ron had been consumed with the mystery of how Snape had been able to get into his chambers nearly a week before.  Both had tossed around several ideas, but inevitably came up with no answers.  They both agreed there was no way Snape could have crawled that distance—let alone have spoken the password or even open the door.

There was also Snape's journal.  The book had become a sort of horrific view into Voldemort's world.  Harry had refused to let even Hermione read it, much to her anger.  Not to mention the annoyed glances Ron would toss at Harry every time he caught Harry reading it.  Still, Harry felt that Snape had meant him to read it—and no one else.  He did, after all, have a personal interest in understanding Voldemort.   Harry was still surprised that Snape had even shown it to him, there were intensely private writings within that journal.

It was clear that although neither of them liked the idea of having to read it, it was still a task that had to be done.  If anything, Harry thought he had a better understanding of Snape himself.  He definitely knew at least as much as the Order did on Voldemort's activities.

It was quite a heavy load of knowledge to carry.

Harry shook himself out of his musings as they climbed the staircase towards Gryffindor tower.  Hermione was ahead of him, and Harry took the opportunity to gaze at Snape again.

It seemed that as the potion was cleaned naturally out of his system, the slower progress Snape made.  Still, he had once again grown considerably during the past week.  His head now sported a thick mass of black hair now hanging just past his ears, which was still soft to the touch.  Whenever Snape leaned forward, the black strands would partially obscure his large black eyes.

His nose was still disproportionate to his features, but not in the comical way it had been.  If anything, it emphasized the constantly pursed lips, always ready to suckle whether it be a bottle or his thumb.  He had gained nearly ten more pounds, and was much heavier to carry around.  Likewise, his own motions and attention span were becoming more developed.

When those black eyes focused, really focused, on something—Harry swore the look behind them was far older.  Of course, whatever thought he attained was usually easily distracted away by really shiny objects and the cooing continued.

Suddenly, those black eyes were back on Harry.  It seemed Snape still hated Harry with as much passion as before, but there were also times when he would look at Harry as if expecting him to be snatched away at any moment.  Snape would look frightened for a moment, once again unable to express anything but the most basic of emotions— but soon the blissful cloud of ignorance seemed to float back over him.

Harry watched as this happened again.  Snape's journal had said only the barest of comments about him.  Mostly it was nothing surprising.  Voldemort said this, Voldemort said that, kill Potter, blah blah blah.  Nothing Harry didn't expect.  There were, however, a few interesting passages within the book.  Ones Harry meant to talk with the Professor about as soon as he was back to his normal self.

If Snape wasn't intent on killing Harry himself that was.  Harry was constantly wincing at the thought of how Snape would treat him after this.  Pre-baby potions would seem a cakewalk, that was for sure.  As they walked back into the Gryffindor Common Room, Harry watched, as Hermione didn't even remove Snape from the carrier.  Instead, she headed straight for the stairs and disappearing up into the girl's dorm room.

Ron and Harry exchanged a tired look, before marching off for their own beds- profoundly grateful.

~

In a different, deeper, level of the castle Sirius Black paced furiously back and forth in front of a large black door.  Several colorful oaths came from his mouth at every turn, words that would make even a sailor blush.  There were little scratch marks from two large paws at the corner, where he had attempted to burrow his way through in desperation in his animangus form.

"Dark Arts!"  Black suddenly exclaimed, stopping suddenly and looking at the snake eagerly.

The serpent shook its metallic silver head.

Black snarled and resumed his pacing.

"Damn you, Snivellus."  He growled under his breath.

He stopped and began rubbing his forehead with a tired hand.  "If I was a greasy, sadistic, bastard," he thought aloud, "what password would I use?"

He turned again and narrowed his eyes at the snake.  "Dark Lord."

Another shake followed.

"Torture is fun?"

The snake actually rolled its emerald eyes.

"Death to Gryffindors?"

Another glare.

Black threw his hands into the air.  "Damn these guardians!"  He cried.  "And snakes.  What is it with Slytherins and snakes?  You don't see me pulling a Griffin* around on a leash."  He told the snake matter-of-factly.  "The bloody lot is obsessed.  It's disturbing."

"Hissssssssss."

"Yeah, yeah."  Black grumbled before continuing in his pacing before his rivals chambers.

An old and weathered voice suddenly spoke up from beside him.  "Troubles, Sirius?"

The convict paused and whirled around to see Dumbledore standing before him.  Hands folded behind his back, sucking lightly on some candy or another, and that ever-present twinkle in his eyes that matched with the royal blue robes which fluttered around his ancient frame.

"Headmaster."  Black stated, forcing himself to calm down.  "I didn't hear you approach."

"This castle holds many secrets."  Dumbledore said softly, his lips twitching beneath the white whiskers.  "But I suspect you already knew that."

Black grinned devilishly before he pointed towards the door.  "I can't get in."

"Those are Severus' private rooms."

"Yeah, and I can't get in."

Dumbledore arched a white brow.

Black folded his arms and regarded the man levelly.  "It's not like I want to prank him."  _Much_, he thought to himself before continuing.  "I just want to obtain—"

"The journal," Dumbledore finished.

Black blinked in surprise, but then smiled a bit crookedly.  Dumbledore would always be Dumbledore.  "Mhm."

"I'm afraid it is no longer with Severus' effects."  Dumbledore informed him.

"You have it?"  Black began, confused.  "But I thought it would only go to you at the moment of his death."

"And I'm sure it will.  However, I regret to say Severus would not open the journal for me."  Dumbledore gave Black a coy smirk.  "I had to make different arrangements according to his wishes.  But, I must say, Severus was probably right in this instance."

Black stared.  "He's a baby."

"He is."  Dumbledore said, tilting his head to concede to the fact.  "But he is a most extraordinary baby.  It's not so much what he said, as what his eyes spoke to me."

"His eyes."  Black said in a flat, deadpan voice.

Dumbledore nodded cheerfully.  "You might be surprised by what you can learn reading people's eyes, Sirius.  They are the windows into the soul, after all."  The revered wizard then turned penchant for a moment.  "Although, his 'no's' and 'Pooper' did clue me in a bit."

Black held up his hands in surrender.  He doubted he would every understand Dumbledore.  He doubted anyone could.  "Right.  Then, someone else has the journal?"

Dumbledore nodded, popping another lemon drop into his mouth as he watched with a near paternal pride as the gears in Black's head turned.

"Harry."  Black finally concluded, glancing to Dumbledore for conformation.

Dumbledore's eyes only twinkled in reply.

It was all Black needed for an answer.

Dumbledore patted his shoulder fondly.  "I'm always pleased when I can teach a new trick." *

The Headmaster just smiled serenely as Black glared at him, before turning and humming as he walked away.

~

"AHHH!!!"

The sudden shrill cry erupted from the Common Room below.  Harry sleepily rubbed his eyes before groping for his glasses on the bed table and perching them on his head.  The morning light streamed through the open curtains of his bed, and he winced as his lenses caught its glare.

He'd never really gotten used to waking up to sunlight.

Another scream sounded from below, followed by a recognizable address.  "PROFESSOR!"

Harry resisted the urge to bash his head against the headboard.  From across the circular room, he heard Ron's tortured groan.  "What's he done now?"

"Let's find out."  Harry replied grimly before tossing the covers off his bed and standing up.  Ron followed, stumbling a bit.  Together they made their way out of the door and down the staircase.  There, both still in the process of waking up far too early on a Saturday morning, the nearly fell down the remaining steps at the site which greeted them.

"Bad!"  Hermione screeched, heedless of the astonished crowd quickly building around them.

It was not the sight of Hermione, shaking her finger so hard it was likely to fly off her hand at any moment, completely livid with anger that surprised them.  After all, each member of Gryffindor had received the same thing after copying the answers for Binn's tests.  No, it was who she was waggling that finger at.

Snape.

More precisely, however, an upright on two legs Snape.  A Snape who was easily tall as Hermione's knees, wearing a pair of muggle jeans obviously transfigured to fit his tiny frame.  Wearing a shirt that revealed still pudgy, but longer and more distinguishable arms.

She was wagging her finger at a two-year-old Professor Severus Snape.

"Myneeeeee!"  He whined, stomping his shoed foot angrily and seemingly in the middle of a massive temper tantrum—complete with tears.  "I wan it!"

"No!"  She said, gnashing her teeth together.  "Absolutely not, Severus."

"I WAN IT! I WAN IT! I WAN IT!"

The screams were punctuated by an angry jump at each declaration, jumps he nearly fell over from.  "I'LL THAKE POINTHS!"

"Oooooo!"  Hermione balled her fists.  "You wouldn't!"

"AHH HA!"

"NO!"

"YETH!"

"NO!"

"YETH!"

"NO!"  
  


"**YETH! YETH! YETH!**"

All the stunned Gryffindors watched, now wide-awake, as their Professor then proceeded to lie down onto the ground and begin thrashing.  His chest was heaving with the effort, but he was hitting the rugged floor furiously with his fists while kicking like a catastrophic whirlwind—all the while managing to scream at the top of his lungs.

This, every single person thought simultaneously, was the unedited- infamous- _Snape_ temper at its purest form.

It was impressive.

"Stop that!"  Hermione admonished, instantly kneeling above him and attempting to catch the tiny-balled fists, obviously concerned he would hurt himself.

At the rate he was going, Harry wouldn't be surprised if he gave himself an aneurysm.

Suddenly, Hermione yelped in surprise as his tiny teeth sunk themselves like a vice into her skin.  She pulled her hand away and then immediately snatched his hand again while trying to hold him.

Snape was crying so violently his voice was beginning to go raw.  Tears and snot streamed from his eyes and nose, and his hair was a crumpled mat beneath his head.  "I WAN IT!"  He screamed, breaking off to cough before sobbing again.

"You can't have it, Severus."  Hermione told him in a calm voice, although her eye was still twitching.  "You wouldn't want anyone hurt, would you?"

To this she received a pointed growl.

Harry shook his head and pushed his way through the people down the last steps and over near Hermione, where he knelt down and watched as Snape continued to cry a bit more quietly—with only little hiccups interrupting his whining.  "What's he want?"

"His wand."  Hermione informed Harry, letting go of Snape slowly.  The toddler rolled onto his side and continued to sob in his misery.  Hermione examined the bite on her hand, twisting it over and frowning at the blood he had managed to draw with only his baby teeth.  "He's been asking for it all morning."

"When?"  Harry pointed at Snape.

"Around four a m."  Hermione explained with a sigh as she dropped her hand and turned to address Harry.  "He woke up hungry, and I wasn't going to get anymore sleep, so I took him to the lab."  She looked back at Snape.  "I did some tests, found his system clear, and gave him a second dosage."

"This is the result?"  Harry asked, although the question was somewhat pointless.  He could see that this was indeed the result.

Hermione nodded her affirmative none-the-less.  "Yes.  He's jumped ahead again.  I think he's around two and a half, judging by his size and temper."

Snape, it seemed, was done with the crying and the screaming.  It stopped just as suddenly as it had begun, and he coughed violently a few times before sitting up on the floor.  He continued to sniffle, looking at everyone from swollen red eyes still brimming a bit.  His hair had grown with the rest of him, and the black strands were easily to his chin, and they shimmered in the light from a natural sleekness.

The little nose on his face was already a bit crooked, as if it had been broken.  Harry guessed that, just as the mark was on his forearm, whatever previous injuries the man had sustained also remained.  Sitting on the rug and looking up at him, Harry couldn't believe how cute Snape was.

Although, the narrowing in the still large black eyes helped to give the toddler a mirror look of his former glory.  "Wand."  He said, clearly, to Harry.

Harry panicked.  He didn't want to cause another episode so shortly after the first.  He never wanted to see anything like it again in his life.  "Uh, how about some breakfast?"  He asked brightly, forcing a smile.

Apparently the promise of food made an attention switch, as Snape nodded and held out his little pudgy hands towards Harry.

Harry easily kneeled down and picked the Professor up, grunting in surprise at his considerably larger weight, and then arranged him so that his arms were around Harry's neck.  The Boy Who Lived tried not to grimace as he felt Snape rub his face into his shirt—blowing his nose for effect.

"Well, c'mon then."  Harry said to Ron and Hermione, who were looking at him as if he'd grown two heads.  Really, he was getting the hang of this babysitter stuff.  "Off we go!"  Harry announced brightly, making his way through the Portrait door and out into the corridor.

He was aware that the entire tower was following behind him, whispering to each other in dazed way.  Doubtlessly discussing what the Professor was capable of now.  If he had been a menace as a rather disadvantaged baby—what havoc would he play in the terrible twos?

The whole of Gryffindor arrived at the Great Hall en mass, and watched as Harry secured Snape into his high chair.  When the toddler gave them all 'the eye' they hastily took their seats.  Snape smirked victoriously as he leaned forward into his tray.  Power was power, after all, and it appeared little Severus had just figured out he did indeed still have a hold on his students.

Neville inched further down the bench, away from Ron, and ended up bumping into Ginny.  The red head rolled her eyes before beginning to serve her own breakfast while Neville watched Snape with quick darts from the corner of his eye.

Hermione ended up pulling out a small cup and filling it with pumpkin juice before placing it onto Snape's tray.  Snape grabbed it greedily with both hands and began drinking—by himself—while Ron and Harry watched with stunned expressions on their faces.

"We are entering a new dimension of hell."  Ron stated solemnly.

"Ronald Weasley!"  Hermione shouted, instantly cupping her hands over Snape's ears.

"Hell!"  He proclaimed despite the muffled hearing.  "Hell! Hell! Hell!"

"Now you've done it."  Hermione hissed, pulling her hands away and beginning to put food onto Snape's plate in hopes of distracting him from his new chant.  She began cutting up eggs, throwing Ron furious glares whenever Snape shouted his new favorite word.

Ron and Harry exchanged amused glances, before he looked over to see Fred and George with their foreheads pressed together and writing furiously on a bit of parchment while whispering back and forth.  Both had that smile that screamed mischief on their identical faces.

Harry elbowed Ron.  "What are they doing?"  He asked, pointing to the twins with his fork.

Ron paused mid bite and looked over Neville's shoulder.  He was grinning as he pulled back.  "Looks like a list of dirty words," he stated before swallowing, "to teach Snape."

"Wonderful."  Harry muttered, jabbing at his sausage.  Snape already had a larger vocabulary then any child he had ever heard of, but that didn't mean he didn't take delight in Hermione's mortification.  He glanced over and saw her admonishing him as he ate with a spoon.  Whenever she would turn her attention away from Snape and back to her own plate, he would curse again, and Hermione would turn instantly back to Snape.

Harry smirked.  He was a clever little bloke.

~

Their first class of the day was Herbology.  The sun was bright out, even with the weather beginning to change into an early winter.  Snape was bundled up in the warmest clothes Hermione could transfigure for him as they walked to the Greenhouse.  Half way to the destination, as they were crossing the expansive green lawn of Hogwarts, Snape had kicked up yet another fuss and demanded he be put down to walk himself.

The trio and the toddler ambled along slowly, Ron chasing after Snape every so often whenever he veered and began running in another direction.  It seemed Snape wanted to go down by the lake, but the three kept him on task—with extreme difficulty and a lot of no's.

He was sulking by the time they actually reached the Greenhouse nearly ten minutes after the chime had gone off.  His lower lip stuck out in an obvious pout of disappointment, which soon turned into a look of pure curiosity as he looked around at their surroundings.  "Twee!"  He exclaimed happily, and Seamus ended up catching him right before he walked into the jaws of an enormous Venus Flytrap named Audrey II who had a very unusual taste for blood and an even stranger habit of breaking out into song.

The plant licked its green lips as it turned to Seamus with its gigantic bulbous green head.  "Feed me Seamus!"

"Not again."  Seamus said, a strange look crossing over his face before he handed Snape back to the others. *

 "Those two have been awfully close recently."  Neville confided in a hushed whisper as they watched Seamus and the plant arguing.  "He won't even let me near it."

"Odd."  Hermione commented, effectively closing the subject of the strange plant and Seamus as Professor Sprout walked in.  The maternal head of Hufflepuff took one look at the larger Snape and immediately bustled over.

"Oh no no no!"  She said in a hurried voice.  "He can't be in here!"

"Huh?"  Ron asked, blinking slightly as he began putting on his gloves.

"Too many chemicals and dangerous plants within reach.  Believe me, at this age, they'll get into everything—the poor dears."  She told them, clucking her tongue at their obvious thoughtlessness.

Hermione looked mortified. "Oh!  Of course!"

"Now," Sprout began, picking Snape up just as he reached for a bottle of Bertie Bott's Specialized Plant Spray (designed to keep those pesky pixies from ruining your crop), "I'll allow one of you an excuse from class as long as you're looking after him.  It's just too dangerous to watch over him in here."

Hermione looked petrified at the thought of giving up one of her classes.  Ron sighed—since Herbology was one of his top subjects.  Harry knew immediately who should opt out, since he didn't mind Herbology either way.  He didn't hate it, but he had no strong love for it either.  "I'll take him then."

"Wonderful, dear."  Sprout handed Snape over and began bustling him out of the greenhouse.  "I'm sure Mr. Longbottom will be happy to help you catch up before O.W.L.S."

"Right."  Harry stated dejectedly.  He hoisted Snape onto his hip and carried him from the greenhouse after the Professor had given him a permission slip.

Again outside on the grounds, Harry blinked and looked around.  Wondering what he should do with his new free period.  Fortunately, it seemed Snape had already made up his mind.  "Yake!"

"Hm?"  Harry asked, looking down.

Snape gazed up with those big black eyes and pointed out towards the lake.  "Yake."

"You want to go play by the lake?"  Harry asked, receiving a nod from his Potions Professor.  Harry looked out towards the shimmering blue water, shrugging, as he couldn't think of any reason why they couldn't.  "Alright then."

Snape smiled and squirmed.  Harry obediently let him down, and walked quickly behind the toddler running towards the water.  Once there, Snape let out a cry of excitement before immediately heading towards the lapping ripples.

Harry dashed forward and held him back from walking straight into the lake.  "Sorry, Professor, but the Merpeople don't like swimmers.  And I'm not sure if you can swim."  He told the squirming boy.  "Why don't you just play near it?"

Snape managed to worm his way out of Harry's hold, but to the Gryffindors relief, he didn't head for the water again.  This time he began running in circles near the shore, picking up shells or rocks every so often before tossing them away.

Harry sat back onto the grass close by, reclining back to enjoy the sun as he kept an eye on the playing two year-old.  Snape seemed intent on investigating everything.  From the blades of grass, to the small violets withering away in the chill, to the feel of the bark on the tree- it caused Harry more questions that he didn't have any answers for.  Why was the Professor so child-like one moment, to decidedly Snape-like the next?  Was there a trigger?

"Severus!"  Harry called out.

The toddler paused in the act of trying to catch a few falling leaves and turned around.  There was an annoyed look on his face from being bothered, but he obediently ambled over.

Standing before Harry, he looked up with a questioning gaze.  Harry smiled gently back.  "Severus, why are you worried about Malfoy?"

As he thought, a sudden cloud seemed to fall on the toddler's features.  "He knowth."  The boy whispered, suddenly glancing around in a decidedly paranoid manner.

Harry sat up and gazed intently.  "Who?"

Snape looked over at Harry and shook his head furiously, covering his ears with his hands.  For a moment, Snape reminded him of Dobby.  "Him."  He said as he continued to shake his head, and it appeared to Harry that the toddler was trying to physically knock away some memory.  "HIM!"

Harry reached out and cupped Snape's head gently to keep him from shaking it so wildly.  "It's alright.  Shh."

"No."  Snape said, his face screwing up into disgust.  "No.  Canth…" He looked away for a moment and the cloud slowly lifted from his features, leaving only a frustrated and confused toddler in its wake.  Snape then clung to Harry's leg tightly, laying his cheek against Harry's knee.  "Bad."  He said simply, with a shudder.

Harry decided he would have to forsake his homework to try and read farther into Snape's journal.  Whatever was upsetting him, Harry was sure it had to do with Voldemort.  "Ice cream?"

Snape's head snapped up, and a grin spread across his face.  "ITH CREEM!"

"Yeah, I like it too."  Harry told him before picking the boy up, grunting once again.  "You've gotten a lot bigger."  He told the Professor as they began their way back to the castle.  "Kids really do grow before you know it."

"ITH CREEM!"

In their excitement, both failed to see the silent figure partially concealed behind a large oak tree, watching them intently until they disappeared into the castle.

~

Twenty minutes later saw a happy Snape, swinging his legs from the tabletop, and attempting to lick at his ice cream cone.  It looked to Harry that he had gotten more of it on his face than in his mouth.  Still, he happily shoved the large vanilla scoop against his face and continued eating away.

Harry himself licked at his own chocolate cone as he sat in front of Snape in the chair.  Dobby hopped from one foot to the other nearby.  "Can Dobby do anything else for Harry Potter, sir?"

"No thanks Dobby."  Harry told him for the tenth time before licking at his cone again.  "We're fine."

"If Harry Potter needs anything else-"

"You'll be the first to know."  Harry told him.

Dobby nodded before scurrying off.  Harry relaxed a bit more and picked up a napkin, wiping off Snape's chin since the melted ice cream was beginning to melt off his chin and drip onto his sweater.  He didn't trust Hermione's sudden mother henning enough to allow Snape to get too dirty.

Although, from the playing around the lake, keeping him clean seemed as likely as reaching El Dorado*.  Mud was caked thoroughly onto the cuffs of his jeans, grass stains were streaked onto his knees, and his hands were considerably covered in dirt.  "Next time we'll wash our hands before eating."  Harry said thoughtfully.

"Wash 'fo Pushunz."  Snape told him, in a nearly scolding tone.

"I will."  Harry promised with a little smile.  "But we have to get you cleaned up before Hermione sees you."

Snape snorted and continued to greedily eat his ice cream.

Five minutes later saw an even greater mess that no amount of wiping would fix.  The amount that Snape couldn't eat, which was considerable, had ended up melting all over his face, clothes, and the table.  He was currently mouthing the soft cone, leaving a long trail of saliva after him.

"Okay," Harry said, tossing the remnants of his own cone into the trash, "we need to clean you up."

Snape glared at him before tossing his own cone.  It missed the trash, but ended up splattered on the floor.  An obscenely happy house elf scurried to clean it off, thanking Harry for the work as his little green hands brought out its rag.

Harry shook his head in dumbfounded confusion before picking Snape up and leaving the kitchen.  They made their way back to Gryffindor tower and Harry took them both into the large boy's washroom.

Harry gazed around for a moment, wondering how they were supposed to do this part.

"Hm."  Harry said, setting Snape onto the ground before walking over to the bathtub past the shower stalls.  He began turning faucets, getting a mild temperature that wouldn't be too harsh on Snape, and then turned to try and navigate through the next steps.

Snape stood there, watching the tub fill up.  Harry was going to have to undress him, but how to keep him above the water?  He looked back at the small whirlpool size tub and sighed.  He was just going to have to get in and hold him.

He was going to have to take a bath with Snape.

Next to the arse wiping, it was the freakiest thing yet.

_Don't think about him as Professor Snape._  He told himself as he knelt down and began pulling Snape's sweater off.  _He's Severus, a two-year-old in need of a bath._  His nose wrinkled as he caught the tell tale smell of an accident.  _That helps._

After an unscheduled cleaning of the mess, he quickly undressed himself, before picking Snape up without much thought.  "We'll start pody training tomorrow."  He told Snape as he settled into the water.

After Harry placed Snape securely on his leg, the teenager threw a rubber ducky into the water.  With Snape distracted by splashing about happily and banging the ducky, Harry grabbed onto the soup and took off his glasses.

A very nasty smile grew over Harry's face as he spotted the blurry bottle of baby shampoo.

Good habits are learned at an early age… 

With a delighted little cackle that drew Snape's attention, he picked up the Shampoo and quickly put a dime size amount in the palm of his hand.  With a quick motion he rubbed his hands together and the little bubbles caused Snape's eyes to widen in sudden horror.

The battle that ensued was one worthy of a place in Hogwarts: A History.

"Scrubba, scrubba!"  Harry sang happily over Snape's wails of bloody murder as he lathered Snape's hair.  "Wishy, washy!  Scrubba, scrubba!"

Twenty Minutes and a water pruned Snape later… 

"SEVERUS!"  Harry cried- arms extended with a fluffy white towel as he chased the naked toddler around the common room.  "Come here!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"POOPER MEAN!"

"I need to dry you off!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"YETH!"

"NO!"

"YETH!"

"NO!"

"YETH!"

Harry stopped and blinked, "wait a minute…I'm suppose to say yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"Harry?"

Harry stopped in his tracks, and turned to look at a horrified Ron.  "Why is he naked?"

"We just took a bath."  Harry explained before jumping towards the chair Snape was hiding behind.  The toddler squealed before scrambling away.  Harry ignored the rest of the Gryffindors as he continued to chase after the screaming, dripping wet Snape.  Snape suddenly bolted for the door.  "CLOSE THE PORTRAIT!"

But Harry's warning was too late as Snape crawled under Ron's legs and ran out the door.

"Merlin."  Harry breathed.  "C'mon Ron."

"I'm trying to repress here!"  Ron shouted with hands firmly planted over his eyes with the image of the screaming naked mass of his Professor crawling under his legs seemed burned into his mind.  "I'm going to need so much therapy."

Harry grabbed onto Ron's shirt and pulled him through the door.

~

Meanwhile Lupin and Snuffles were heading towards Gryffindor tower.  The two were already having their own 'conversation'.  "…not sure Severus would want us reading it.  Seems a terrible invasion of privacy."

"Woof."  Snuffles imparted.

Lupin arched a brown brow as they rounded the corner.  "That's not really the point, Padfoot."

"Woof!  Woof, woof!"  Snuffles retorted.

Lupin pressed his lips together in thought as they passed the portrait of Sir Gallahad, ignoring his challenge for a duel.  "I suppose."

A happy whine.

"Fine."  Lupin paused and turned towards his canine companion.  "But we won't press Harry."

"Woof."  Came the agreement, punctuated by an excited wag of the large black tail.

The conversation may have been continued, but both stopped dead in their tracks.  Lupin's jaw dropped as a wet, naked, Snape ran towards them screaming his lungs out.

A moment later, Harry and Ron dashed around the corner and were obviously chasing after him.

Without thought, Lupin easily stepped to the side and scooped up Snape before he could run past.  Snape's breath was coming out in puffs, but he still managed to cry out his new mantra.  "MEAN POOPER!  MEAN POOPER!"

Lupin blinked.

"Um?"  He turned towards the two boys who were jogging up to him.  "I assume there is a reason for Severus to be running about."

"He got away from me."  Harry said apologetically, reaching out with a towel, easily wrapping it around the small body.  "I washed his hair, and he wasn't very happy about it."

The dog at their feet began wheezing in his tell tale laugh.

"Shud uph Bwack!"  Snape shouted, waving a tiny fist as Harry continued to rub at his hair with a corner of the towel.

It only seemed to encourage Snuffles more, and he ended up flopping down on his side, legs waving while his tail thumped the floor madly as he continued to wheeze uncontrollably.

"Padfoot…" Lupin warned, still holding onto Snape.  "That's not a very good example for your godson."

"You washed his hair?"  Ron asked, hiding his own smile behind his hand.

Harry shrugged, but the little smile was tugging at his lip as well.  "Thought it might stick with him later on."

"Fat chance of that."  Ron stated, snickering now.

"SHUD UPH!"  Snape screamed.

Suddenly, the stained glass window beside them exploded outwards into hundreds of sharp shards.  Luckily, whatever had shattered it sent the glass flying outside.

Everyone stopped and stared at Snape.

The toddler's eyes were so completely black that they couldn't even see a sliver of white.  He was huffing, his chest rising and falling as he panted, and a slight crackle of black electricity lifted above his head.

"Whoa," Ron breathed in terrified wonder.

"That was dark magic."  Black said from beside them; now back in his human form.  He peered into Snape's eyes.  "Strong dark magic."

Lupin wrenched Snape away from Harry and quickly laid the toddler on the floor, kneeling above him as he unwrapped the towel.  His wand came out and he began chanting as he waved it above Snape.

With the words of the spell, dozens of tiny designs sparkled into visibly.  Each a dark red in color, and formed ruins over different parts of Snape's flesh.

"Merlin's garters."  Lupin breathed, pulling his wand back and examining each symbol.  "He's got spells imprinted in his skin.  The damn fool."

"Protection," Black said, pointing out one over Snape's heart, "shields, enhancers-" he stopped at one mark on Snape's forehead, "is that what I think it is?"

Lupin pressed fingers to his temple and nodded sadly.

"You stupid son of a-" Black hissed, drawing away.  "No wonder he's so sickly all the time."

"Indeed."  Lupin replied, waving his wand again, and the symbols faded from view.

"I knew he was twisted," Black continued, shaking his head, "but I had no idea he was this twisted."

"What?"  Harry asked, eyes going from Snape, to Lupin, to Black.  "What are they?"

"Spells."  Lupin told him.  "Some Wizards carve magic into their bodies.  It's an old art, not seen much outside of Pure Blood families."

"Evil families."  Black spat.

"Not necessarily."  Lupin corrected.  "The protection runes—well they're not very harmful.  Given Snape's paranoia, I'm not surprised he's tried to make himself impervious to hexes and curses.  At least mild ones."

"What's the one on his forehead?"  Harry asked.

Lupin bit his lip.

"Snape's always been good at wandless magic."  Black spat when Lupin continued in his silence.  "Like a talent he had.  He could cast hexes or curses without uttering a syllable, just with a wave of his wand."

Harry remembered all the times Snape had cleaned his ruined potion without speaking a word.

"If he can cast wandless magic, why bother with his wand at all?"  Ron asked, blinking with confusion.

"Because it's easier to control with a wand.  And casting without a wand usually drains a wizard's power."  Black answered, folding his arms and glaring down at Snape.  "Apparently, laws of nature don't fit well with Severus' drive for power."

"The rune amplifies his natural abilities."  Lupin said softly.  "And it's a very powerful rune.  I don't even want to think of the ceremony he must have undergone to have it burned there."

"Probably did it himself, the sick wanker."  Black growled.

"So, it lets him cast spells without tiring?"  Harry asked, still trying to work it all out.

"Not exactly."  Lupin stated.  "It would still drain him.  In fact, depending on the spell, it would probably be more of a leech on his strength.  It just allows him more control, and bigger spells."

"Like?"  Ron asked.

Lupin glanced over, a worried look in his eyes.  "Like Unforgivables."

Snape was sitting up now, his eyes returned to their normal black with the discernable white around his iris.  He glared at Lupin.  "Kwiath."

Lupin looked away, but then turned back towards Snape.  "You're a fool."

Snape blew a raspberry.

~

"What if he kills us?!"  Ron stated in a strangled whisper.

"He's not going to kill us, Ron."  Harry replied, in an aggrieved tone.  He had been allaying Ron's fears for over an hour while attempting to read Snape's journal.  Snape himself was napping away on the couch next to them.  Ron continued to peer at Snape every now and again with wide eyes.

"You sure?"  Ron frowned.  "I mean—maybe he won't do it on purpose.  Maybe we'll just take a toy away and he'll get really angry over it and then 'poof'-- we're dead."

"If that were the case, I'd have been dead when I washed his hair or Hermione refused to hand over his wand."  Harry pointed out reasonably.  "Besides, you don't just accidentally cast an unforgivable.  There has to be intent and concentration behind it, something Snape doesn't have."

"He made that window explode."  Ron replied, scooting further away from Snape and Harry.

"And it knocked him out."  Harry turned another page in the journal.  "Besides, that was just a burst of magic.  I've done it before, not meaning to.  Well—not with black eyes mind you—but I blew up my Aunt that one time.  It's not the same as casting an Unforgivable.  That's a heat of the moment type of thing."

"Still."  Ron folded his arms in stubborn defiance.  "I don't trust him, Harry."

"He's a baby, Ron."  Harry said as he turned another page.  "Even the Slytherins have to wait until they're at least five to begin their plans for world conquest."

Ron scowled at Harry's sarcastic tone.  "I know he's a baby, I helped change his diapers, remember?"

"Oh, that reminds me," Harry looked over, "do you know anything about pody training?"

"No!"  Ron proclaimed a little too loudly.  Snape stirred momentarily, before falling right back to sleep.

"Hermione will probably know."  Harry decided.  "I'll ask her when she gets back."

Ron scowled and continued in his sulking.  "No baby I've ever known had that type of power."

"How many have you known?"  Harry asked curiously, glancing up from the journal.

Ron glared daggers.  "Just the one.  Still, I've never heard of it before."

Harry suddenly paused and rubbed his scar without realizing it.  "I have."

Ron suddenly deflated.  "Yeah."  He looked over at his friend.  "I suppose I have heard of one before."

Harry sprang straight up, causing Snape to grumble and roll over.  "Ron—do you think…"

"Nah."  Ron replied.  "Someone would have figured that out if it was so simple."

"Maybe someone has."  Harry said quietly.

Before Ron could ask 'who', Harry told the red head to look after Snape, and then left the Common Room.

~

Dumbledore was humming away as he composed yet another letter to Fudge assuring him that he had no plans to take over the Ministry when a knock on the door made him glance up.  "Come in."

He lifted a silver brow as Harry stepped in and shut the door behind him.  He crossed the office and plopped into a chair in front of Dumbledore's desk.  "There's a rune on my forehead, isn't there?"

Dumbledore blinked quickly, before sighing and setting the quill down.  Fudge would have to wait.  "There is."

"Why haven't you told me this before?"  Harry asked, his green eyes flashing with annoyance.

Dumbledore sat back in his chair and folded his hands over his stomach.  "What I told you before was true.  You mother sacrificed herself for you, Harry, and that sacrifice was what saved your life."

"But you've never said the spell she used."  Harry replied crossly.  "That's because it was all set up before Voldemort came to their house."

Dumbledore simply nodded.

"You knew he was going to go after my parents."  Harry accused, pointing a finger.

"Which is why I thought it best for your parents and you to go into hiding."  Dumbledore said.  He then looked over towards the window, a sad look on his aged face.  "I had no idea when the attack would come.  The informant-"

Harry interrupted him.  "Snape."

"Professor Snape."  Dumbledore corrected as he looked over and nodded again.  "Yes, Severus told us that Voldemort would be coming after the Potters.  But he did not know when.  He also told us there was a spy in the Order, but again, he did not know who the spy was."

Suddenly everything seemed to fall into place to Harry.  "Snape put the rune there."

"He did."  Dumbledore admitted, although he knew he didn't have to.

"Why?"  Harry asked suddenly, leaning forward in his seat.  "Why did he do it?  Why is he always looking after me?  He hates me."

"Severus is a complicated individual."  Dumbledore stated while his thick white brows furrowed together.  "I do not claim to understand his motives for everything.  I believe the debt he owed to your father had much to do with it.  Severus' family has a very strict code of honor, Harry."  Dumbledore then popped a lemon drop into his mouth.  "And you must understand, that a man like Severus, has many different levels of hatred.  What he expresses towards you, although it may run deep, is nothing compared to the loathing he feels towards others who have wronged him.  Or, most importantly, himself."

"It still doesn't explain why he hates me."  Harry sat back in the seat, feeling so drained.  He pressed a hand against his face, rubbing at his eyes from under his glasses.

"I'm afraid the only person who can tell you that is Severus."  Dumbledore said apologetically.

~

Harry left Dumbledore's office with more questions than answers.  He didn't even take note of the corridors as he walked through them.  He nearly ran into Malfoy as he turned a corner.

Malfoy wasn't alone.  A Hufflepuff, looking very worried and anxious, stuttered an apology and quickly turned to walk back down the corridor.  Harry recognized him, Maxwell Boots, a seventh year prefect who was a beater on the Hufflepuff's Quidditch team and according to rumor, a good friend of Cedric's.  Harry had obviously interrupted some hushed conversation between the Slytherin and Hufflepuff.

_Malfoy's probably black mailing him or something_.  Harry thought nastily as he and Malfoy narrowed their eyes at one another.

"Well, well, Potter."  Malfoy stated with the usually scorn reserved especially for when he addressed Harry.  "You're alone.  Aren't you supposed to be babysitting my Head of House?"

"He's with Ron."  Harry stated just as coldly.

Malfoy's lip curled in disgust.  "You left him with a Weasley?  What _is_ wrong with you Potter?"

"Ron's perfectly capable of watching over a sleeping toddler."  Harry snapped back.  Although, he had intentionally left out the part that Ron had tried to mail Snape to his mother.  "Anyway, it's hardly any of your business."

Malfoy straightened up and stalked closer.  He leaned right in front of Harry's face, noses inches away, and spoke very softly.  "Everything that happens to the Professor is my business.  So you'd better make sure nothing does, Potter, or you'll have the entire Slytherin house out for your blood."

"What?  You think the Slytherins scare me Malfoy?"  Harry laughed, drawing away.  "I've got Voldemort after my neck.  Why should you and your chums worry me?"

Malfoy bared his teeth.  "That Gryffindor bravado is going to get you killed, Potter."

"Maybe."  Harry conceded without flinching.  "But you're definitely right about one thing, Malfoy."  Harry's eyes narrowed into slits, "nothing better happen to Snape."

Malfoy's own eyes narrowed, but with only a bit of venom.  Harry realized Malfoy had received the warning loud and clear, and was trying to figure out why Harry would have delivered it.  Malfoy was re-evaluating Harry, as if his prey had suddenly caught onto the trap's scent.

Harry hated the games that were played in the snake pit.  The only thing he hated even more was becoming one of the participants.

Malfoy smirked slightly, and seemed to have just accepted some sort of challenge.  He then walked smoothly past Harry leaving a breeze of expensive cologne in his wake.  The Gryffindor turned and watched his rival until the blonde head disappeared from view around another corner.  He only realized his fists were balled when he forced his fingers to unclench.

Harry had the oddest feeling that Malfoy was about to move upwind.

~

**Author's Notes**:

We're approaching something here folks.  The pieces have been set, and the board is about to go into motion.  Please make sure your seat and tray table is in the upright and locked position. Buckle up, there's turbulence ahead.

~

**Story Notes (a.k.a. Obscure references…)**

"And snakes.  What is it with Slytherins and snakes?  You don't see me pulling a Griffin around on a leash." –Sirius Black 

This is actually my little homage to Snippy and Snarky's story- Trading Spaces.  If you haven't read it, GO NOW.  It is so funny, clever, and just all around awesome.  Believe me, you will quote it.  In their story, there are mascots for all the houses.  Snakes for Slytherin, and a Griffin for Gryffindor.

**

Dumbledore patted his shoulder fondly.  "I'm always pleased when I can teach a new trick."

Can't teach an old dog new tricks.  ^.-

_**_

_…catching him right before he walked into the jaws of an enormous Venus Flytrap named Audrey II who had a very unusual taste for blood and an even stranger habit of breaking out into song._

_The plant licked its green lips as it turned to Seamus with its gigantic bulbous green head.  "Feed me Seamus!"_

"Not again."  Seamus said, a strange look crossing over his face before he handed Snape back to the others.

Audrey II was an alien plant that liked to eat people in Little Shop of Horrors (Rick Morranis, Steve Martin, and Bill Murray).  The pet shop owner, Seymore, ended up stuck with the unpleasant task of having to feed Audrey (Seamus standing in for Seymore).  I've always thought this movie was hilarious ^.^,,

**

El Dorado 

A mythical city made out of gold.  Many explorers and treasure hunters spent their lives trying to find it, but of course, no one ever did.  This is also the title to one of my favorite poems by Poe.  To me, it's always represented the unattainable.

~

**Baby (Toddler?) Babble:**

pushunz- potions

Myneeeeee- 'Mione (Hermione)

I wan it- I want it.

I'LL THAKE POINTHS- I'll take points.

AHH HA- uh huh

YETH- yes

Twee- Tree

Yake- Lake

He knowth- He Knows

Canth- Can't

Wash 'fo Pushunz- Wash for potions.

POOPER MEAN- Potter mean.

Shud uph Bwack- Shut up Black.

Kwiath- Quiet


	10. Kidnapped

Three Gryffindors and A Baby 

::celeste::

Disclaimer:  Guess what?  I don't own Harry Potter.  Shocking, I know.  See this lady, named JK Rowling, owns the world and it's characters.  Rowling is brilliant, rich, and a wonderful writer.  I'm not.  Suing is bad for your Karma.

Summary:  An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant.  Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  By the by, this story takes place in fifth year.  It was started before Order of the Phoenix, so it's now AU.

Rating: PG-13 for mild swearing, stuff you can say on Network TV.  Really need to remember to update that in the story's details.

Dedication:  Do you know my cousin had another baby?  Woo, a braver girl than I.  This is for Kayla and Shane.

Special Thanks: To Ramos, my Beta Reader.  Thanks for helping me out again!  I hope I've done your suggestions justice.  If there are errors, believe me, it's because of _my_ second run through.  Read her stories when you're done with this one.  She's such a wonderful writer, it's an honor to have her help.

A/N (a.k.a. the ridiculously long letter to readers):  Thanks for reading, as always.  Thanks for catching the mistakes.  Potty=pody o.o,, how embarrassing.  My bad.  Here's the next chappie.  Hope you enjoy ^.^

**Chapter 10**

Kidnapped

Friday began in a very unusual sort of way.  For Harry, who had come to expect the unexpected, that was really saying something.  The morning sunlight had peered through the crack of his bed curtains, and he shivered slightly with the chill in the air.  That chill was particularly biting on his toes, and he had shifted his blanket to better cover them.

When he pulled his thick red comforter down, Harry realized he wasn't alone.  Peeking out from the top was a head of long black hair, partially covering a face with thick long eyelashes serenely resting above a crooked nose and lips obscured by the hand which gently moved as the toddler sucked on his thumb even in sleep.  Harry gazed over in dulled surprise, his mind struggling to wake up along with his eyes, and perhaps it was because he was still in this drowsy state that he rolled over, slung an arm over the tiny body, and pressed it nearly lovingly against his chest.

He didn't know how Snape had managed to get out of his crib, or why he had sought Harry for comfort, but since he had Harry accepted it and closed his eyes.  For just a moment, he pretended that this was what a loving family felt like.  This was what his father would have done with Harry if he had lived long enough to see his son reach two years of age.  What he could have had without Voldemort, without the Dursleys, and without that cupboard.  It felt like peace.

"Neville!  Your stupid toad is sitting on my face again!"

Harry groaned and his eyes fluttered open, the moment definitely broken.  He heard Ron swear before the rustle of fabric said he'd just gotten out of bed.  Padded footsteps worked their way across the carpet, and another violent rush of rings sliding across a pole rang out.  "Can't you make him stop that?  Do you have any idea how gross it is to wake up to a toad's butt?!"

"Sorry, Ron," Neville's drowsy voice answered.  "Maybe he thinks you're a lily pad."

"First of all, toads don't sit on lily pads.  Frogs do.  And even if Trevor were a frog, how in the world could he mistake my face for a place to squat?  Wait, don't answer that."  There was another rustle, and then Ron's teeth chattered.  "Bloody hell it's cold.  Your toad better not give me warts, Neville.  Or, I swear to Merlin, I'll toss the blighter right out the window the next time he does it."

"I don't have any warts," Neville replied in a small voice.

"Uh-oh," Ron murmured in a distracted voice.  Harry's curtains rustled for a moment and then Ron's panicked face blocked out the sunlight.  "Harry, the little ankle biter's run off again!"

"No he hasn't.  He's right here."  Harry nodded towards Snape, who was still nestled against his chest.  "He had to have climbed the crib sometime during the night – must have gotten cold."

Ron's face screwed into a look of repulsion.  "You know, in any other situation, that would look really bad, mate."  Harry glared before the curtains could shut again.

"Better than snuggling up to a toad!" he called out.

"Between Snape and Trevor, I'll take Trevor- thank you _very_ much," Ron retorted sharply.

Harry rolled his eyes in disgust before gently disentangling himself from Snape.  Unfortunately, he couldn't keep from waking the toddler up.  Snape's eyes fluttered open, looking up to Harry.  They closed briefly again while a huge yawn racked his body.  Then, the tiny Professor pushed himself up rather clumsily, before he finally ended up sitting cross legged and rubbing his eyes with one hand while his werewolf doll remained tightly clutched in the other.

Harry himself had already rolled out of bed and was making his way towards the dresser.  With his usual uniform arranged on the top, he finally allowed himself to stretch- scratching his lower back- and turned towards the door.  He glanced over at Ron, who was busy changing.  "I'm going to go take a shower, Ron.  Can you look after Snape?"

"Yeah," Ron replied, slinging the orange and maroon tie around his neck messily.  "You got an extra razor?"

"I'll put one on the sink for you," Harry assured him before stepping out.

But once he was in the shower, Harry stood with his forehead resting against the wall, just letting the water rinse over him.  His mind swam, leaving him preoccupied.  Malfoy's warning, Snape's runes, writings in the journal, Death Eaters in training, the connection that seemed forged between them in Snape's hatred for past sins unknown- even before he had arrived at Hogwarts, and- of course- Voldemort.  Harry sighed heavily, running a hand through his soaked hair.

He had the distinct feeling he was missing something.  Something important.

As Harry dried off, staring into the mirror at the fuzzy image of his scar, wondering what it was that stayed hidden from view.  He tried to recall the words Lupin had used the day before, but they danced just out of reach.  Harry frowned thoughtfully, staring into the mirror, before shaking his head.  As he began shaving the minimal stubble on his face, he wondered why he couldn't simply worry over his O.W.L.S. like normal Wizarding kids.  Of course, he could be making too much of it- but the gnawing in his gut didn't seem to think so.

…It could have been hunger as well.

He finished dressing, leaving his tie unknotted, and walked back into his dorm just as Dean and Seamus rushed past him.  Harry strode to the bed, sat on its edge, and pulled up his wool socks while studiously ignoring the tiny Professor bouncing up and down next to him, still holding a battered looking doll whose lupine head bobbed rather loosely.  "Razor's on the sink," Harry told Ron as he moved to the next foot. 

"You have any troubles?"

"Just in the changing," Ron replied with his eyes fixed on his reflection as he adjusted his tie.  "He actually seems mellow this morning.  Enjoy it while it lasts.  Come tomorrow, he'll have so much sugar in his system we'll be peeling Snape from the walls."

"Huh?" Harry paused in the act of shoving his foot into his shoe to blink up at Ron.  "Why's that?"

Ron's brows pinched together before he threw Harry and incredulous look.  "Don't tell me you've forgotten, Harry!"

"Forgotten?  What'd I forget?"

Ron hung his head, shoulder slumping, as he mumbled.  "We _really need a break.  Maybe Dumbledore can take Snape for a day."_

"Ron…" Harry began; completely boggled by his best friend's commentary, and a bit annoyed he wasn't getting any answers, "what's going on?"

"All I'm saying is that when you forget that tomorrow is the day we get to go to Hogsmede, then you're under too much stress, mate."  Ron replied solemnly.  "You need to straighten out your priorities."

But Harry hadn't heard anything after Hogsmede.  He slapped his forehead, causing Snape to pause in his hopping to gaze at him suspiciously.  "How could I forget?!"

"That's what I've been asking," Ron stated.  "Like I said, a break.  Most especially from _him.  Know any second years we can pass him off on?"_

"We can't do that," Harry told him without hesitation.  "We'll just have to bring Severus with us."

"Pushunz?" Snape asked, holding out his werewolf plushy in appeasement.

"Breakfast," Harry corrected, picking Snape up after rising off the bed, "then Potions."

Ron shook his head, and the two parted in the hallway as Ron headed towards the bathroom for his own shower.  Harry continued down to the Great Hall, Snape behaving shockingly well on the trip down the corridors and staircase.  He didn't ask to be put down, or cause any further trouble then making faces at the portraits and students as they passed.

Hermione was already seated, a book propped open in front of her that held her avid attention.  Harry said a bright good morning before placing Snape in his highchair.  Hermione absently returned the salutation, but her eyes never drifted off the page.

Harry shrugged, sitting on the corner closest to Snape, and taking care of Snape's breakfast before his own.  Once Snape was digging away with his pudgy little fingers, Harry turned to his own plate and began eating.  His eyes drifted across the room to the Slytherin table seemingly of their own will, but he saw Malfoy and his two goons had yet to make an appearance.

It was another ten minutes before Ron ambled in.  He sat down beside Hermione, filling his plate, speaking to the bushy brown haired girl as he did so.  "Harry forgot about Hogsmede."

"That's nice," she replied in a very distant voice.

Harry pushed down his momentary annoyance at Ron for broadcasting his lapse in memory in favor of regarding Hermione.  "What are you reading?"

"A Potions volume from the Professor's library," Hermione said, flipping a page.  "I think-"

Harry and Ron both paused, gazing over expectantly.  Snape was busy trying to shove a torn piece of toast into his werewolf doll's mouth.

Hermione looked up with a frown.  "I think I've made a mistake."

That was _not_ what Harry had expected to hear.

**

Nearly twenty minutes later, the trio and Snape were down in the small laboratory off from the classroom.  Lupin had no problems dismissing them from class in order to work on the Potion, especially when Hermione had whispered urgently to him before he bustled them off.

Ron now sat on the familiar stool, elbows propped onto a table beside the cage of rats, his blue eyes intent on Hermione.  "Alright.  What's wrong with the Potion?"

"Well, it occurred to me last night," Hermione began, rifling through her assorted vials in various shades of color.  "It's been nagging at me for weeks now, the question of Sevvie's awareness, you've both noticed it?"

Harry and Ron nodded nearly simultaneously.  Harry had a flash of every warning, every glare, and every derisive snort that seemed so unnatural for the baby to make. 

"I've begun journaling the major episodes," Hermione rolled open one of the parchments, carrying it over to the table between Ron and Harry, while each darted quick glances every so often at Snape.  The toddler sat on the floor, playing with an unbreakable toy potions set, and completely oblivious to his former students.

Harry looked down, reading the precise looping script.  The date had been recorded, followed by the time.  Then, indented a bit, was a detailed account of his behaviors.  One such entry had:

_Professor Snape's eyes seemed to clear momentarily, shifting instantly towards the full-length mirror a few meters away from where he was playing.  His face moved to a horrified expression, eyes widening while his breathing hitched, and then he spoke what I believe were the words, 'can't be.'  This entire episode lasted a full thirty seconds, and then his attention again wavered when one of his blocks began shouting out its color at him.  The trace of recognition was gone nearly as soon as it came over him, if that was what it was._

It was one of the more dramatic instances.  Others seemed to record Snape struggling with a painful memory.  Harry and Ron themselves had been wakened often during the night, not for a feeding, but simply to attempt to soothe whatever nightmare Snape had experienced.  Most, however, dealt with his vocabulary and amazing comprehension.

Ron gazed at Hermione from the corner of his eyes.  "What does this have to do with the potion?"

"Everything," Hermione replied firmly.  "Snape is at risk for serious metal trauma if I continue administering it."

Harry's chin instantly snapped up.  "What?"

"I thought these- flashes were positive signs!" Ron exclaimed, pointing down at the various entries.  "That, you know, it's working!"

Hermione frowned lightly.  "It's not that simple.  Let me explain it this way.  Right now, the Professor's consciousness is split into two pieces.  His memories are all there; nothing aside from Obliviate or a pensieve can remove those, but his brain is – physically, that is- incapable of processing them.  When these flashes happen, Ron, it means there's been a misfire in his synapses, triggered by something he recognizes.  But, since his brain is still at the mental capacity of a two year old, it's causing-" she paused, searching for a word, "a re-wiring of sorts.  Changing his neural structure so suddenly all the time- well- it could likely cause an overload."

"Overload?" Harry asked, trying to make sense of it all.  Biology was definitely not his strong suit.

"Harry, there's a possibility that even if I find the right formula to change Snape back to his natural age, the shock to his mind- with it's new wiring- could cause him brain damage.  He may be stuck with the mindset of a toddler indefinitely."

Harry stared, horrified, at Hermione.

Ron shook his head violently.  "No.  I mean- look at him," Ron pointed to Snape, who was busy mixing water and grape juice into a plastic cauldron.  "When Neville's potion hit him, it didn't cause any damage!"

"We can't be sure.  Even if it didn't, Snape got lucky," Hermione replied, her face fallen with defeat.  "I don't think it's worth the risk to try it again.  Can you think of anything that the Professor would be more horrified to lose than his intelligence, his self-awareness?  I think he'd rather die.  I would."

Ron became crestfallen.  "So, these flashes are hurting him, then?"

"Not exactly by themselves, no.  It's when the jumps take place that causes him risk- because he's had time to form these new pathways.  He's spent too long adjusting to his current body, Ron."  Hermione replied.

"So, what?" Harry asked, rubbing a hand through his hair.  "We let him grow up again, naturally?"

"That's one possibility, yes," Hermione replied, nodding.  "But, I don't think that's very advisable either.  Just as you can't ignore the new pathways, we can't ignore the old ones.  Otherwise, Severus could develop behavioral problems."

Ron frowned down at the parchment.  "So- what do we do?"

"I think we need to do this gradually.  Slow increments, to allow him to acclimate the old and the new together."  Hermione brought over the book, pointing out a particular elixir with instructions far over Harry's abilities.  "I've found a potion that, if added to the aging solution and injected into his blood stream, should act as a sort of time release.  That way, the effects are still permanent, but introduced more slowly- and in smaller amounts," Hermione shrugged.  "The older he gets, the more his memories will have time to re-introduce themselves in a manner he can handle without possibly causing any psychological damage.  Similarly, the newer pathways will have time to develop properly, not causing any neural problems.  Now, I'm hypothesizing here, but by the time he goes through puberty again, his mind should be much more able to handle the bigger leaps forward.  Although, I'd still like to space those out as well."

Both boys were struggling to make some semblance of sense out of it.  Harry thought he caught the gist of it, but had nowhere near the understanding Hermione seemed to show.  "Alright, so, what sort of a time range are we talking about here?  Weeks?"

Hermione had the same sort of uneasy look in her eyes.  The sort of hesitation one gives before delivering a bit of bad news.  "By estimation- around a year and a half, Harry.  By the end of it, he should be around eighteen.  After that, we can progress him a year every week."

Harry and Ron both stared at Hermione as if she had lost her mind.  Harry thought that perhaps she had.  A year and a half?!  True, he had been growing use to having the Professor around, at least in his current incarnation, but for the rest of this school year- and then the next?  He wasn't cut out for playing nanny for that period of time.

"We can't watch Snape for a year and a half!" Ron shouted, speaking Harry's exact thoughts aloud.  Ron jumped off his stool and started pacing- a clear indicator of his unease with the idea Hermione had just proposed.

Snape paused before adding what looked to be seltzer, glancing up with an annoyed expression on his face, then ignored them in favor of returning to his work.  Harry wished he could indulge in the same blissful ignorance at the moment.

"We won't need to, Ron," Hermione began, watching Ron as he moved back and forth.  "He should be fourteen or so by next September.  He won't need someone constantly supervising him then.  And, I'm reasonably certain, around that time he'll have his full memories and personality intact."

"Wonderful," Ron spat, looking even more aggrieved.  "Are you telling me next school year, a third year appearing Snape- with the lovely personality of our dear Professor- is going to be traipsing around taking off house points and teaching us?"

  
Harry held up his hand.  "Wait, you said he would be eighteen around next May.  If he's fourteen in September- how exactly does that all work out, Hermione?  I mean, shouldn't it be slower at the start- and then get faster?"

"No- he'll grow tolerant to the elixir and its effect will gradually lessen.  But, by the time it no longer works, he'll be ready for the undiluted aging potion," Hermione replied confidently.  "I just have a few more formulas to work out, and then I'll be ready to give him a dosage."  She placed a hand on his arm.  "Trust me, Harry.  Doing it a bit each day is vastly better than these huge leaps in the span of a minute.  His system won't be able to take the shock the way we're going about it now."

"So he'll go to St. Mungo's then?" Ron asked, clearly eager to be rid of Snape.

Hermione was horrified.  "Ron!  You-Know-Who is out there!  We can't just place him in the hospital without any sort of protection!"

And that, Harry thought grimly, was a very good point.

"Well he can't very well go back to the Burrow!  No way Harry's muggle family is going to let Snape go back to their house during the summer!  And your parents?  Nice people and all, Hermione, but I think it would be a bit hard to explain," Ron replied forcefully.  "We can't watch him ourselves!"

"Well, I'll speak to Dumbledore about all this when I'm ready to proceed.  I'm sure he'll think of something- and the summer months are a long way off," Hermione answered in a calm, reasonable voice.  "Lets try to do what we've been doing, Ron."

"And what, exactly, is that?" Ron asked, stopping long enough to fold his arms.

"Taking this one day at a time," Hermione answered.

While Ron fumed at the silent pair, Snape let out a yell of success.  "Pushunz!" he exclaimed, grinning madly, as he showed the trio the result of his ten-minute toil.  Said potion ended up being a watery substance, tinted a rather nasty shade of dirt brown.

Harry's forehead hit the table with a loud 'thunk'.

**

Ron and Harry were both depressed through the rest of the day; neither gave their classes much attention.  Not even the impending trip to Hogsmede could lift their spirits.  Harry went into a sort of automatic pilot, letting his hands flip to the assigned reading, drop the sliced ingredients into the cauldron, or nod dully at Trelawney's continual promise of doom and death.

After dinner, Harry passed Snape off to his friends and trudged heavy footed across the grounds towards the Quidditch pitch.  His broom was slung over one shoulder like a rifle, while the wind lashed mercilessly at him.  When a particularly icy blast hit him straight on in the face, causing his maroon and gold robes to snap around him, Harry let out a small sigh.  It seemed even his usual pleasure of flying would be a trial for him.

And he was right.  Right away, he had trouble controlling his broom as he soared up higher than the walls of the pitch could shield him.  He veered several times, all the while feeling his nose and cheeks burn in the freezing air.  His breath was coming out in gray puffs, and he felt the first stirrings of winter breathing down his neck.

Even with the horrid weather, Angelina gave them no slack- not that Harry expected her to.  She was driven to make the team win the cup, and they were two games away unless Ravenclaw managed to beat Slytherin.  Then they would be one game away.  Since it was Slytherin, no one was making any assumptions or taking chances.  Normally, Harry enjoyed practice- but definitely not today.

By the time Angelina called it quits, Harry was so tired and weather-beaten he had sunk gratefully to the ground.  He performed several warming charms on his numb face and hands while passing out of pitch- even though his wand was trembling as he shivered.  It was as he placed his wand back into his pocket that he happened to glance at a dark figure out of the corner of his eye.

Harry stopped, twisting to get a clearer view.  The figure was gone.  Harry supposed it could have been an animal that had wandered out of the northern edge of the forest, or even a figment of his tired and cold mind.  Harry dismissed it and continued towards the castle looming in the distance as the night grew dimmer- the orange flicker of fireplaces in the windows beckoning Harry like a Siren's call.

The empty halls echoed his footfalls as he traveled back towards Gryffindor tower.  He sniffed several times, feeling his nose beginning to run.  A cold was the last thing he needed, especially since Pepper Up tended to make it hard to hear for hours with all the steam blasting from the ears.  Harry struggled to remember the peaceful feeling he'd had during the start of the day, but found it had long vanished.

He must have looked as horrible as he felt, judging by the look the Fat Lady gave him after Harry mumbled out the password.  A brief recommendation to get some rest and the portrait swung open.  Harry walked passed, through the stone archway, and made a beeline towards the fireplace.

The armchair a bit off to the side of the front of the grate was already wonderfully warm.  Harry gave a grateful sigh as he sunk into it, feeling that chill in his bones finally melt away- replaced with a dull ache in his muscles.

Ron's voice pierced through the cloud of fuzziness, somewhere near the window.  "Rough practice?"

Harry could always hear the envy in his best friend's voice whenever Ron mentioned something about the team after Harry returned from practice or a game.  "Yeah," he said simply, unwinding the scarf Mrs. Weasley had knitted for him from his neck.

"Well, Ravenclaw's team is pretty good this year," Ron began, "might actually beat Slytherin.  Give Gryffindor a shot at the trophy.  We're a shoo in for the house cup if that happens."

"Sthupid Weezy," Snape muttered.  "Thli-th'n get cuph."

"With Lupin acting as Head of House?  I think not, Snape.  Guarantee he's not giving out points to Crabbe for managing to breathe in between bites," Ron answered back.

"Bah," Snape spat.  "Mehrva pah meh."

"What?" Ron glanced at Harry.

Harry shrugged.  "Don't know."

"Embahsil," Snape muttered darkly.  He then went back to his Potions Action Play Set™ and continued mixing.

Harry dismissed it and stood up out of the chair.  "I'm going to bed.  Is Hermione taking him tonight?"

"No such luck," Ron replied rather dejectedly, gazing over at Snape with an accusing glare.  "Said she'd be studying all night.  Won't have time."

"Stowee?" Snape asked, looking back up with huge round eyes.

"Yeah, yeah," Ron mumbled.  "Who dies tonight?"

"PEPPAH!" Snape exclaimed happily, clapping his hands and grinning rather maniacally.

"Kay.  I like killing that mutt."  Ron turned thoughtful.  "Shot 'im, dropped 'im off a cliff, ran him over with a herd of hungry Hippogriffs-" he rubbed his chin- "drowning?"

"PUSHUNZ!" Snape replied, clapping louder.

Ron's lips curled in disgust, then slowly turned into a ponderous frown as he considered it.  "Slow dissection.  It has possibilities."

"You are _so_ sick," Harry stated, shaking his head.  "The both of you.  Do you know how many nightmares Neville is having thanks to your bedtime stories?"

"Oh c'mon, Harry!  You know he hates it when they live at the end.  Remember the story about the ugly duckling?  He threw a fit when the duckling turned into a swan and found his family.  I had to add that a vampire came by and sucked them all dry just to shut him up!" Ron declared hotly.

Snape laughed at the memory.  "Vampee!"  Snape then preceded to curl his pudgy little fingers like claws and make growling noises as he wobbled around in, what he no doubt assumed, was a frightening manner.  It was anything but.

Harry gazed down at Snape and frowned.  "I really think you should stop, Ron.  He's becoming seriously demented.  He's only two and a half, for Merlin's sake."  Harry pointed to the still snarling toddler, who was chewing into the neck of his werewolf doll.  "Just look at him."

"He's only playing, Harry," Ron replied, though he looked a little doubtful.  He blinked then regarded Harry again, crossing his arms defensively across his chest.  "Besides, what do you expect me to do?  Sing to Snape?"

Harry shrugged again.  "Why not?"

"Why not?  Are you nutters?  I'm not singing," Ron responded loftily.  "Not to that little monster."

"Well, you'd better figure out something, because you're not telling him anymore of these morbid stories," Harry snapped back.  The ice in his tone made Snape stop his assault on his doll, and he gazed up with uncomprehending eyes.  Harry forced himself to relax, counting mentally to ten, and then smiled as he looked down at Snape.  "You want to sleep in my bed, instead?  Story in the crib, or lay down with me.  Which one?"

Snape blinked, his little pouting lips stretching into a frown as he considered his choices.  Then he narrowed his eyes.  "No stowee?"

"No story," Harry echoed.

"I'm not hearing this conversation." Ron moaned pitifully.  "Merlin, what have we become?"

"Shut up, Ron," Harry replied smoothly, still watching Snape think it out.  "Well?"

Snape sighed with disappointment.  Then, he picked up his poor little abused werewolf (one of the black button eyes was already hanging on a loose thread), and lifted his arms towards Harry.  "No bah thweems."

It at least solved one of Harry's questions.  He knelt down and lifted Snape up.  "No bad dreams," he replied, adjusting the boy before glancing towards Ron.  "You see?  Your stories are giving him nightmares too."

"Thweems befo stowees," Snape informed him as the three walked up the staircase.  "Stowees funneh."

"You would think so," Harry whispered to himself.

"I think they're works of creative genius," Ron stated as he trudged and sulked beside Harry.  "I should write children's books."

"If you write a children's book you'll get hundreds of howlers from angry parents every morning," Harry told him.  "Ron, I know you don't like Snape, but try to at least take this with some seriousness."

Ron stopped just inside the room and turned to glare at Harry.  "You think I'm not?"

"I think you're making more out of this than you need to," Harry answered while placing Snape on his bed.  He went over to his dresser and pulled his Quidditch robes off.  "He's just a baby, Ron."

"Y'know, I'm really sick of you and Hermione going off on me," Ron retorted, slamming his own drawer shut and causing Neville, Dean, and Seamus to peek out of the curtains at the pair.  "I feed him, don't I?  Change his nappies.  Wipe his drool and vomit.  I even put that stuff on his arse to keep him from getting a rash.  I don't want to do any of it, but I do.  And he's made this hard for us every step of the way."  Ron pulled his pajama top over his head with more force than was strictly necessary.  "It's not my fault this happened, and yet I'm stuck with helping out.  I don't do it for Snape.  I don't do it because Dumbledore ordered me to.  I do it because you're my friend, Harry," Ron nearly shouted.  He whirled on his heel and glared daggers at Harry.  "If that's not good enough then find someone else to do this sodding work, 'cause I'm getting sick of it."

Harry concentrated on his buttons, feeling awful.  Ron was right.  This wasn't his or Hermione's fault, and yet they were trying to help out.  All he was doing was criticizing.  Sure, Ron had all the sitting skills of a Dementor, but he was trying.  He didn't have to.  "I'm sorry, Ron," Harry finally said, looking up.  "I just think you're too hard on him, that's all."

"Yeah, I probably am," Ron replied with a grumble.  "Sorry."

"Well, y'know, you haven't tried to mail him off again.  I suppose that's saying something," he said with a teasing grin.

Ron replied with a little twist of his own lips.  "Mm.  Guess it means I'm improving, ay?"

"Weezy neeth 'tenchen," Snape contributed with a smirk on his face.

"Stuff it," Ron replied, rolling his eyes, before climbing into his bed across the tower room.

"THEN POINTHS!" Snape shouted angrily, already crawling towards the edge of Harry's bed with a dangerous glint in his eyes.

"You can't take points," Ron pointed out, with obvious satisfaction, before snapping his hanging shut.

Harry sighed, setting his glasses atop the bedside table before rolling into the bed itself and shutting his own curtains- cutting off the snarling toddler's view of the room.  "Sleep," Harry said firmly, lying down closest to the stonewall that sent a slight chill to his side.  The weariness, driven off temporarily by his short discourse with Ron, now slammed into him.  His eyelids immediately dropped, just as the toddler next to him curled into Harry's side.

**

The morning was hectic.  Ron ran back and forth like a niffler searching for coins as he stuffed all Snape's nappies, bottles, books, and toys into his bulging bag.  Harry watched with a bemused expression as Ron mistakenly shoved his Chudley Cannon's All Star book into the nappy bag.  "I'm going to load up on candy," Ron babbled happily as the Cannon's book was followed by a sneak-a-scope.  "Check out the latest brooms.  Heck, I'll even follow Hermione into the book shop."

"How magnanimous of you," Harry observed with a twitching lip as he pulled Snape's Gryffindor sweater over his head.  Snape was annoyed as his head popped through the collar like a turtle emerging from its shell.  "I'm sure she'll appreciate it."

"Yeah, probably will," Ron agreed absently, adding a few blankets for no reason Harry could think of.  Ron then stopped, gazing down with a critical eye.  "Think it's enough?"

"We'll only be there four or five hours max, Ron.  No need to pack the entire dormitory," Harry stated.

"I know that," Ron replied, "but Snape has to be amused.  Little blighter might actually stay out of trouble for once if he's distracted."  Ron snapped his fingers.  "The Potions Kit.  I'll go grab it."

Harry watched with a bemused expression as Ron raced out of the dormitory.  He then directed his gaze down at Snape, who was chewing on the ear of his werewolf.  "You will be good, won't you?"

Snape stopped the mauling long enough to answer with a smirk.

Harry sighed.  "Should've expected that.  Alright then, maybe some of your blocks too."  Harry went and reached in the corner where the stack of building blocks sat.  He shoved those (with a lot of difficulty) into the bag.

"Wofie!" Snape declared, waving his doll.

"Don't you want to hold onto it?" Harry asked as he struggled to heft the nappy bag- nearly tipping over from the weight.

Snape clutched the plushy to his chest, nodding vigorously.

Ron came back with the Potions Action Play Set™ packed up into its box, and shoved that into the bag as well- studiously ignoring Snape's repeated cry of Pushunz.  He took the bag from Harry, performed a lightening charm on it, and then set the strap over his shoulder.  "I think that's it."

"Should he walk?  Maybe we ought to take the push chair," Harry mumbled as he rubbed his chin.

"Better take it with us.  He'll get tired," Ron advised rather sagely.  He smirked down at Snape.  "Old man doesn't swoop like he used to."

Snape stuck his tongue out.

"Right, now for the coat," Harry said brightly, and another struggle ensued as he dressed Snape up for the weather, which was nearing winter.  By the time they walked down to the Common Room, the entire place was empty except for Hermione and a few first and second years.

She looked up at the boys and frowned, immediately sending both into a panic.  Harry checked over Snape, making certain he had remembered everything.  His cap, hanging mittens, and scarf were all in place, and the Potions Master still clutched his doll like a security blanket while sucking serenely on his thumb.  "What's wrong?" Harry asked as they met her near the fireplace.

"What's wrong?!  Harry!  We can't take Snape to Hogsmede!" she declared shrilly, eyes alight with fury.  Even Snape drew back from her heated declaration.  "You-Know-Who ring any bells?!"

"What?" Ron asked, glancing down at Snape.  "He can go to Hogsmede.  Not like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is going to waltz on up to the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer, eh?"

Hermione gnashed her teeth together.  "Don't either of you listen?  Professor Lupin told us we couldn't go to Hogsmede this year."

The two boy's faces fell, and tears even appeared in the corner of Ron's eyes.  "But-"

"No buts.  He can't go.  Neither can we," Hermione replied, standing immobile on the issue.  "It's too dangerous."

Harry felt like someone had just punched him in the gut.  Hogsmede.  The one trip they were allowed to take.  It was Harry's one chance to get out of the castle for some fresh air, for Honeydukes, for butterbeer and they couldn't go because of Voldemort.

Ron seemed unwilling to accept it.  "But- but- his mark hasn't burned or anything!  I'm sure it would be all right!  We'll ask Dumbledore for permission," he whined.

"Hermione's right," Harry said sadly, already pulling Snape's cap off.  "He can't go."

"Well- then- we'll leave him with Dumbledore!  The Headmaster can watch him for a few hours, give us a break," Ron continued.

"Dumbledore is a busy man, Ron," Hermione stated as she helped Harry with Snape's coat.  "We can't just dump Severus on him."

"Oh, but he can dump him on us?" Ron hissed before tossing the nappy bag down angrily.  "This isn't fair!"

"No, it's not."

The three turned, to see Dumbledore and Lupin in the entryway to the Common Room, Snuffles at their feet.  The Headmaster strode forward, and held out his hands for Snape.  Harry handed him over wordlessly, and Snape immediately began giggling as he tugged on the long white beard.  "My, they grow so quickly," Dumbledore stated with a smile and eyes twinkling, although he winced when Snape gave a very hard pull.  The Headmaster then directed his attention over to the students still milling about.  "Why don't you all go down for some breakfast?  There are some particularly delicious blueberry muffins the House Elves have been eager to serve.  New recipe, I understand."

The first and second years wordlessly scrambled out of the Common Room, leaving the trio alone with the Headmaster, Lupin, and a now-transformed Sirius Black.  The Headmaster tickled Snape, eliciting several more giggles, as he continued speaking.  "You all have done very well.  I'm glad to see how adjusted Severus appears to be."

"He does seem happier, doesn't he?" Lupin observed, gazing down over Dumbledore's shoulder.

"Mm," Dumbledore nodded, gently extracting his beard from Snape's clutched fist.  He looked over at Harry.  "The mark has not burned?"

Harry shook his head.  "No.  Not once."

Dumbledore considered that, before holding Snape out for Sirius to take.  The animangus convict gave Dumbledore an 'are you nuts?' look, which was answered by a raised brow.  Looking extremely unhappy about it, Sirius hesitantly reached out and grasped Snape under the armpits- holding the snarling toddler a good meter away.  Snape's feet kicked angrily as he dangled, and a litany of lisped insults flew from his mouth as he swatted his werewolf doll against Sirius' arm.

"Watch out for your-" Lupin began, spotting Snape's hand reaching out for one of Sirius black locks.  The warning came too late, and Sirius yelped in pain as Snape yanked mercilessly on the fistful he had managed to grab.  "Hair," Lupin finished lamely.

As Sirius and Snape struggled, Snape delivering several smacks with his doll against Sirius' face as he continued to pull, Dumbledore addressed the trio with seeming obliviousness.  "I think some fresh air would do you all a great deal of good."

"Absolutely," Ron agreed nodding his head.  Behind the Headmaster's back, Snape had managed to bring Sirius to his knees, and the two struggled for control of the doll with Snape starting to scream every word Fred and George had taught him.

The Headmaster spoke louder over the spew of screamed curses.  "I've had Professor Flitwick and Professor Lupin place some anti-apparition barriers over Hogsmede.  A friend in the ministry has temporarily cut off transport through the floo network in the thoroughfare.  A few other members of the Order have been stationed around the village.  Provided you all agree to an escort by Professor Lupin and Sirius, I believe it will be safe enough for you all to take Severus to Hogsmede."

While elation and joy flooded Harry, Snape had managed to get himself onto Sirius' shoulders.  His tiny shoes bashed into the side of the animangus' head, and his fists held strands of the long black hair like reigns.  "HORSIE!" Snape shouted with delight, kicking Sirius again.  "WIDE HORSIE!  WIDE!"

"GET HIM OFF ME, REMUS!" Sirius roared in between kicks, trying unsuccessfully to reach around and pull Snape off his back.

"Oh," Lupin replied mildly with twitching lips, "he just wants a piggy back ride, Sirius.  No harm in it."

"I'll set him on your- OMPH- back and see how you- STOP THAT- like it!" Sirius spat before falling onto his side and rolling over to crush Snape.

"Trot about a bit, Sirius," Dumbledore stated mildly while his blue eyes twinkled like mad.

Sirius growled, and then looked completely humiliated as he crawled around the Common Room with Snape cheering and laughing atop him.  "WEEEE!" he cried, continually kicking Sirius in the face.  "HORSIE!  HORSIE!"

"Wait till this horsie bucks you off, you greasy little git," Sirius muttered angrily, glaring at Lupin as the Professor hid the snickers behind his hand.

"As I was saying," Dumbledore continued, hands folded behind his back, "you'll have to stay with Professor Lupin and Sirius at all times.  No exceptions.  I trust you've read Snape's journal?"  Harry didn't say anything, his lips pursed in silence.  Dumbledore nodded.  "Then you'll know not to wander away if any student should ask you to."

"Yes, Headmaster," Harry replied, and was echoed by Ron and Hermione.  "We'll stay with them."

Dumbledore grinned.  "Excellent.  Enjoy the break, children.  You've certainly earned it."  Dumbledore then turned and wandered out of the Common Room, humming slightly under his breath.

As soon as the Headmaster was gone, Sirius stopped dead in his tracks and glared over at Remus.  "Get him off."

Lupin walked over, lifting Snape up and took a few moments to untangle his fists from Sirius' hair.  Snape pouted, pointing towards his doll that had fallen onto the floor.  Lupin bent down and picked it up, before placing it in Snape's waiting hands.

Sirius stood, valiantly trying to untangle his hair.  "Okay.  Are you three ready?"

"I didn't think we would be going…" Hermione began.  Harry glanced over, and saw she had an extremely doubtful look on her face.  "What if Harry and Ron went?  I could stay here with Severus."

"Now Hermione, the Headmaster went to all that trouble to see that you three could go to Hogsmede," Sirius told her in a mildly reproachful way.  "It would be rude of you not to go, wouldn't it?"

"I suppose," she said hesitantly, looking to Ron or Harry for help.

Harry wasn't about to object- let alone Ron.  He had forgotten about Hogsmede, but now that he was going, he was excited about it.  "I'm sure it'll be fine.  Anti-apparition wards and disconnected floo network.  No way in or out without walking," Harry smiled reassuringly.  "We know who to look out for, don't we?"

Hermione frowned again, but eventually yielded.  "All right.  Let me change."

"Hurry up!" Ron shouted after her as she disappeared up the stairs to the girl's dormitory.  "Butterbeer waits for no man!"  At Harry's lifted brow, Ron clarified.  "Or woman.  Whatever."  Ron walked past Lupin and Snape, sitting down on the sofa.  "She's a worrier, that one.  No sense of fun."

"Hermione is just sensible, Ron," Lupin said in her defense.  "A lot could still go wrong.  Which is why it's very important for you to listen to Sirius and me."

"Ron has a point, though," Sirius interjected.  "It's the thrill that makes things worth doing, eh Moony?"

"Ithiut," Snape said scathingly as he pulled his thumb from his mouth.  "Sthupid Bak."

"Greasy git."

"Mowon."

"Bastard."

"Doo doo heth."

"Syphilis excreting du-"

"SIRIUS ALUDRA BLACK!"

"Er- dumb arse.  What?  He called me a doo doo head!"

"Children present.  Including Severus.  Try to act mature, for once."

Black snorted.  "He started it, Moony."

Lupin rolled his eyes.  "And I'm finishing it.  For goodness sakes- at least Severus has an excuse.  What's yours?"

Sirius muttered something else just as Hermione came downstairs wearing her heavy winter robes.  "Ready," she stated, taking Snape from Lupin.

  
"What were you going to say?" Ron asked Sirius as they all started for the Portrait.

Sirius grinned and winked.  "I'll tell you later.  In three years," he said just before shifting his shape.

Ron rolled his eyes at the giant black dog as they left.

**

The trip to Hogsmede was relatively peaceful.  The carriage Dumbledore had also arranged as an extra precaution took them up the path and to the main street, where it let them out.  Ron nearly bounced with excitement, and even Hermione seemed in better cheer- though she insisted on carrying Snape herself.  Harry and Snuffles walked along together, while Lupin stayed with Ron and Hermione.

It was a beautiful day.  It was still cold, but the sky was a clear brilliant blue that seemed to stretch off into the rolling hills around the little Wizarding village.  The wind was hardly a bother, and Harry wished it had been so calm the night before during practice.  Students wandered around, chatting animatedly with their companions.  Everyone seemed in high spirits, relaxed, and having a very good time.

"Where to?" Harry asked, turning around with a wide smile on his face.

"Honeydukes," came Ron's instant reply.

"All right," Harry answered, directing the trio, the toddler, and their two guards over to the sweet shop.

Ron had been right- it was impossible to keep Snape from reaching out for everything.  Sugar quills, stopdroppers, sugar stars, gummy dragons, Bertie Bott's beans, chocolates of all shapes and sizes.  Hermione was becoming flustered saying no so much, and soon just gave up in favor of sticking a huge lollipop the size of Snape's head into his hand which he immediately began mouthing away at.

"He can't talk around it," she stated with a harrumph, handing Snape over to Harry as she went to get some things the first and second years had wanted.  Snape was indeed occupied with his lolli, and Harry was free to shove handfuls of Chocolate frogs into his basket.  His stash was nothing compared to Ron's- especially when the red head had to go for a second carrier.

"What is he getting all that for?" Lupin asked, his own basket nearing the brim.

"Ron gives a lot out during Christmas," Harry explained.  "So he always stocks up in November.  Makes gift giving easier, he says.  No worrying, everyone loves candy."

"Ah," Lupin said with a small smile.  "A rather clever way to look at it."  
  
Harry gazed down into Lupin's own basket.  "What about you?"

"Oh," Lupin shrugged.  "I've a sweet tooth.  Although, I can't eat it around full moon.  And Snuffles asked me to pick up a good supply of medichocolate.  He's still terribly paranoid about Dementors."

Harry and Lupin continued to follow Ron and Hermione around as they finished their candy shopping.  There was a bit of a problem when a Hufflepuff got bumped into Snape and Snape's lollipop ended up stuck in the blonde's curly hair.  It was terribly crowded, but the students thinned and made way as Snape threw a temper tantrum over his lost candy.  Finally Ron shoved a sugar quill into his hand.  "Don't stab yourself."  He advised as Snape chewed on its red candied barbs.

Harry ended up paying for the sugar quill and the lollipop stuck in the Hufflepuff's hair.  After everyone had paid, they ended up back out into the street.  They stopped by the Quidditch Supply Outlet, Ron drooling over the brooms as Snape drooled on his candy.  After dragging Ron away, they stopped off at the bookstore, where Snape had moved on to some of Lupin's sugar stars.  By the time they left, Snape was bouncing in Harry's tired arms- his eyes wide and babbling incoherently about puppies and potions.

"No more sugar," Hermione stated, snatching the bag of candy away from Lupin, who looked a bit chastised.

Snape was struggling to be put down, so Harry placed him into the pushchair that Snape definitely didn't like.  He pulled against the belt, yelling to be let out, and only quieted when Ron stealthily slipped him a chocolate frog.

Of course, it's rather hard not to notice he'd been given more candy when his hands and mouth were covered in melted chocolate.  Ron stood with his head bowed as Hermione railed at him, saying Severus would get a stomachache and that he was too young to even be allowed sugar in the first place.  Snape was again leaning over the side of his pushchair, trying to escape, and slapping Snuffles in the snout whenever the dog came close enough.

By the time they worked their way to the Three Broomsticks, Harry was more haggard than relaxed.  Snape would not sit still, refusing to even look at his Potions set, and demanding to be set free.  Finally, unable to take the tantrum, Harry unbuckled the belt and lifted him out, placing him on the chair next to him.  "Stay there," he ordered forcefully.

Snape, of course, had no intention of listening.  When the trio and Lupin took their eyes off him long enough to take their butterbeers, Snape managed to get down onto the floor and run amuck.  His little hammer squeaked a hundred times a minute as he attacked everyone's knees.  He crawled under the tables of the other students, biting their ankles, yanking on robes, and bashing their feet with his hammer.

Ron and Harry gave chase, crawling after him and saying 'sorry' as they bumped into whoever hadn't moved.  One girl shrieked and kicked Ron when his head came a little too close to her skirted thigh.  The redhead was busy rubbing his ribs and tactfully retreating.

Finally, Snuffles managed to get a good hold on the back of Snape's jeans with his teeth and dragged the screaming toddler back towards the table.  Snape tried to dig his fingers into the floor, but ended up sliding along as Snuffles tugged.  "BAH BAK!"  Snape shouted, kicking out with his feet just as Harry scooped him up.

Snape's hands, covered in chocolate and syrup and all manner of whatever had been on the floor, were now struggling against Harry's face and glasses as he yelled dire baby epithets at Snuffles.  Harry sighed, picked up Snape's werewolf doll, and turned towards the others.  "I'll clean him up.  It shouldn't take long."

"All right," Ron replied, wincing as he rubbed at his side.  "Honestly, she didn't have to kick so hard.  I said I was sorry."

"That's what you get for peeking up skirts," Hermione replied, sniffing with disdain.

"I didn't peek up her skirt!" Ron shouted back angrily.  "I was looking for him!"

"Whatever," Hermione muttered before sipping at her butterbeer.  Her hair looked frizzier than ever, the strands having flown out of her hair tie in the act of shaking her head at all the toddler's absurd requests.

This was definitely not what any of them had in mind.

"I'll be back," Harry told them, leaving Ron to argue with Hermione while Lupin attempted to mediate.

He wound through the crowd of now angry students, muttering apologies, and carried Snape back past the bar.  Madam Rosmerta shooed him through the back door and down the hall to the public bathroom.  Harry thanked her before stepping inside.

The washroom was small, with only a single toilet, a porcelain sink with a silent mirror over it, and a hook on the door for robes.  Harry stood Snape on the toilet, and Snape became fascinated with his reflection while Harry took off his own heavy robes.  He hung them over the hook, rolled up the sleeves on his jumper, and went to work on taking Snape's coat off.

When Snape was finally ready to have his hands and face washed, Harry held him against his hip and began running the water.  Snape whimpered a few times, gazing down doubtfully.  "Don't worry – there's no shampoo," Harry said with a sigh.

Snape brightened, reaching down and splashing enough to get both of them wet.  Harry, keeping a keen eye on Snape as he leaned against the sink, washed his hands first, and then rubbed the sticky goo off his glasses before starting on Snape.  The toddler put up little resistance, surprisingly.  Wordlessly allowing Harry to shove his sleeves up to his elbows and start working on his hands.

They were nearly finished, and Harry began wiping at Snape's mouth, when the toddler suddenly froze in his grasp.  The little mouth was hung open, the eyes widened in horror, while the tiny body trembled.  Harry drew back the cloth in alarm, wondering if he had someone gotten soap into Snape's eyes.

That's when the screams began.

Harry had heard just about every single form of Snape's screams.  There were the angry ones, directed at Ron or Sirius.  He'd shout words as well, usually indecipherable with his rage.  There were the tantrum screams.  Those just hurt the ears and made you willing to do just about _anything_ to shut him up.  He had screamed when he'd fallen on the stone floor when walking between Divinations and dinner, but that scream was more alarm then actual pain.  He had cried for a while after being picked up and cooed over, but it was only a bruise on his elbow- nothing major.

But these screams were chilling.  They struck straight to the heart, made it stop, and then got it beating at a racing pace.  The only coherent thought Harry was capable of having as Snape continued to scream and scream was 'something was _wrong_.'  Harry picked him up, thinking to sit down and hold him, but it just made Snape scream impossibly louder.  It echoed in the tiny room, bouncing off the walls and seemed to never dissipate.

Harry began to panic.  He had to figure out what was wrong and fix it, and he had to do it now.  Shifting Snape's small body around in his arms, he searched for anything that might be causing him such pain.  Nothing.  No cuts, no red marks that signaled the beginnings of a bruise, and yet- every time he shifted Snape in his arms, the child's screams would pitch and get louder.

Snape's face was turning an angry red, and he paused only long enough to gasp for breath.  The tears flowed like tiny rivers, not stopping.  Harry began to be seriously frightened.  He wondered if Snape had somehow broken a bone - because Harry couldn't find anything else on his back, legs, or head.  It was as he checked his arm though, pushing the small sleeves up once more, that his own breath whooshed out as if physically punched from him.

The Dark Mark was black.

"Merlin," Harry breathed.   The small entreaty was all but lost over Snape's screams.  "Not now!"

There was nothing he could do.  Harry felt at a complete loss, and it was a horrifying sensation.  He clutched Snape against him, letting him scream right into his ear as he rubbed the silky black curls on the toddler's head, and murmured meaningless words of comfort.  Even as he tried to sooth Snape, he felt a stirring of hatred and anger in his gut.  Voldemort was doing this, and he had to know that Snape couldn't come to him.

It was tantamount to torture.

"What sort of sick monster…" Harry began, patting Snape's back when the toddler began choking on his own screams.

Snape wasn't quieting, and something had to be done.  Harry would drug him if he had to, he couldn't allow Snape to suffer like this.  "Dumbledore."  He said to himself, standing with Snape still held against his chest.  It was amazing no one had come to investigate the noise from the bathroom.  If Harry hadn't been so worried, he might have wondered about the way the screams seemed confined as they bounced around the small room.

But the mark was burning the skin around it now, the skin itself bubbled grotesquely- turning into white welts that bled, and the blood turned dark and crusted the instant it hit the hot skin.  Harry clenched his teeth and reached down for the werewolf doll Snape had dropped onto the floor.

The spell took him completely by surprise.

He hadn't even heard the door open with Snape screaming in his ear.  He hadn't heard the hex being uttered until it was far too late to dodge it.  Harry was knocked into the wall, his head slamming with a sick thud.  His vision began to swim as he sunk slowly towards the floor, somehow still managing to hold onto Snape.

He blinked to try and clear it, and looked up- fully expecting to see Malfoy.  He didn't.

"Max?" he slurred, dully turning his head to watch the Hufflepuff seventh year walk in.  "What-?"

"Sorry Harry," Maxwell Boots replied, reaching into his robes and pulling out a white cloth.  It had a bright blue stain in its center, and Terry's older brother placed it over Snape's mouth.  Slowly, Snape's screams silenced, and the toddler's eyes fluttered shut.  Maxwell drew it back and then directed it towards Harry's mouth.

"Don't…" Harry tried, his tongue feeling as heavy as his arm as he tried to swat Max's hand away, "Dumbledore…"

"Can't help you now.  No one can," Max told him in a soft voice.

Then the sweet smell of nightshade was collecting at the back of his throat, and Harry's eyes began shutting on the bleary image of the Hufflepuff.

Harry's world went black.

**

A/N Deux: Cliffhangers- gotta hate 'em.  You're all sitting there like "WHAT HAPPENS?!  ARG!!!  TELL ME NOW!!"  You wanna know, eh?  Spoiler lovers?  Too bad.  Muhahaha.  My inner Snape says 'wait until next time you ingrates'.  .  Inner Snape said that, not me…  o.0,,

**NEXT TIME**: Caves, journals, and Voldemort.  Oh my!

**

**Appendix 04652.415**

**Baby (Toddler?) Babble:**

**Pushunz**- You don't know by now?

**Sthupid Weezy** - Stupid Weasley

**Thli-th'n get cuph** - Slytherin get cup.

**Bah**- Actually means bah. As in, bah humbug.

**Mehrva pah meh**- Minerva pay me.  Sort of a little 'HP fan fic' inside thing.  

Most of us fan writers agree Snape and McGonagall have running wagers on the House Cup.

**Embahsil**- Imbecil

**Stowee**- Story

**PEPPAH**- Peppy (The Happy Puppy)

**Vampee**- Vampy (Vampire)

**No bah thweems**- No bad dreams.

**Thweems befo stowees**- Dreams before stories.

**Stowees funneh**- Stories funny.

**Weezy neeth 'tenchen**- Weasley needs detention.

**THEN POINTHS**- Ten points!

**Wofie**- Wolfy, Snape's werewolf plushy.  (credit to Loke Mei Yin for the name)

**HORSIE**- Horsy (Horse).

**WIDE HORSIE!  WIDE!**- Ride horsy!  Ride!

**WEEEE**- whee

**Ithiut**- Idiot

**Sthupid Bak**- Stupid Black

**Mowon**- Moron

**Doo doo heth**- Doo doo head

**BAH BAK**- Bad Black


	11. Sirius' New Shoes

Three Gryffindors and A Baby 

::celeste::

Disclaimer:  Guess what?  I don't own Harry Potter.  Shocking, I know.  See this lady named JK Rowling owns the world and it's characters.  Rowling is brilliant, rich, and a wonderful writer.  I'm not.  Suing is bad for your Karma.

Summary:  An accident in Potions (where else?) turns Snape into an infant.  Dumbledore in his glorious wisdom (and because it makes a nice plot) leaves him in the care of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  By the by, this story takes place in fifth year.  It was started before Order of the Phoenix, so it's now AU.

Rating: PG-13 for mild swearing, stuff you can say on Network TV.  Guess what?  I updated the details!  Go me XD

Dedication:  This is for Kayla and Shane.  And all the little baby Snapes out there.  You know who you are.

Special Thanks: To Ramos, my Beta Reader.  All the wonderful corrections, suggestions, etc that make my dull writing better.  Read her stories when you're done with this one.  She's such a wonderful author, it's an honor to have her help.

A/N (don't you hate them?):  This chapter isn't really funny.  There may be a few lines here and there, but it's more or less a dark one.  Be warned.  Be afraid.  Be—oh forget it.

**Chapter 11**

Sirius' New Shoes

Remus Lupin sipped his butterbeer and looked at the wall clock above the bar for the twentieth time.  Harry and Severus had been gone nearly fifteen minutes.  He'd never had a child of his own, but he remembered Harry when he was smaller, and it never took Lily this long to clean him up.

Ron was busy downing his second butterbeer and looked supremely unconcerned.  Hermione, however, was also beginning to look anxious, twisting in her seat to check the time.  A worried glimmer was developing in her eyes; one Lupin thought was probably mirrored in his own.  Sirius was also growing impatient, slapping his tail onto the wooden floorboards, as anyone else would tap their toes.

When another full minute went by, Lupin stood up.  "I'm going to go check on Harry and make sure everything is all right with Severus.  Hermione, Ron - stay here with Snuffles."

"Okay," Hermione said.  She picked up her butterbeer with a halfhearted attempt to listen to Ron's continued Quidditch talk.

Remus stood and left their table, his greater height allowing him to easily make his way through the crowd of students.  He paused before entering the back hall and asked Rosmerta if she had seen Harry and the toddler, but she merely shook her head and made a comment about the mad crowd while she delved under the counter to find a few more mugs.  Lupin continued towards the back, where the loud noise from the front of The Three Broomsticks was mercifully reduced.

The men's room door was closed.  Lupin brought up his fist and knocked several times.  "Harry?"

No answer.

"Harry?  Are you in there?" he tried again, rapping against the door so hard the shock reverberated down his knuckles and straight into his arm.  That was when he noticed he couldn't hear the banging on the other side of the door.

Lupin knew a silencing charm when he heard it, especially with his heightened senses.  In fact, if he concentrated hard enough, he would be able to make out conversations in the common pub, and a few above him in the rented rooms.  He pressed his ear to the door to make sure, and was greeted by not so much as a drop of water from the toilet.

Quickly bringing out his wand, Lupin cast a "_Finate incantum."  There.  The whizzing of pipes, the swirl of the toilet water and its nearly imperceptible hissing, noises one would associate with a bathroom.  An empty bathroom, at any rate._

The doorknob was unlocked, and twisted easily when Lupin turned it.  He pushed the door open and verified with his eyes what his ears had already informed him of.  No Harry.  No Severus.  Deliberately staying calm, Remus stepped inside and shut the door.  There on the hanger were Harry's thick wool coat and his scarf, along with Severus' tiny gloves and cap.

The faint hint of pheromones and copper told him there was blood.  He swirled around and stared at the small red track on the white washed wall, starting from just below his shoulder and ending near the floor.  Lupin stepped forward and inhaled sharply.  He couldn't mistake it from Harry's if he had deliberately tried.  There was also the lingering scent of burning flesh, something one never forgets, and that carried Severus' distinct childish scent.

Lupin swirled around and yanked the door open with extreme force, causing it to slam into the wall and leave a spidery dent in the shabby wall.  He forced himself to remain calm, it could no good to Severus or Harry if he allowed any of the wolf's rage to seize him now.    Deliberately he took the robes and coat from the door, he went through the pockets until he found Harry's wand, safely tucked into the inner pocket of his robes.  Stifling a curse, he sniffed the air.  The scent was too old, but Sirius would be able to tell better if Harry had been dragged out.  His human body just wasn't as sensitive as his canine friend.  He glanced down at the floor, but the wooden planks held only dried mud and fresh candy wrappers, no blood.  Either his head was covered or-

Best not to jump to conclusions.

He walked back to the table as quickly as he could without raising suspicions by the students, the robes tucked discretely under his arm.  Ignoring Hermione's questions, Lupin went straight for Sirius and bent down low next to the large black dog.  "They're gone," Lupin whispered.  "There's a bit of Harry's blood on the wall.  The scent's old- maybe fifteen minutes.  I don't think he was carried out, but I can't tell for certain."

Scrambling to his feet, Snuffles bounded back towards the bathroom.  Lupin gave the two remaining Gryffindors an uncompromising look.  "Back to the carriage.  Now."

"Where's Harry?" Ron demanded, standing up and gazing back towards the bathroom.

Lupin reached over and grabbed both their arms.  "The carriage," he said firmly.  He pulled them through the crowd, ignoring their protests as they demanded to know where Harry and Severus were.  His only goal at that moment was to get the two of them to safety.  It was unlikely they'd be targeted now that Harry was gone, but he wasn't taking chances.

Once out the door, he continued to drag them straight to the end of the street and the large black carriage waiting at the edge of the village.  Looking over his shoulder to where Moody was stationed, he jerked his head to the side.  The gnarled old man's magical eye whirled as he looked up from the brim of his hat.  Lupin mouthed 'Harry and Snape are gone' and proceeded to push the two remaining Gryffindors into the carriage before stepping in after them.

Securing the door, he stuck his head out the window and addressed the skeletal thestral.  "Hogwarts!  And be quick about it!"  The creature responded so quickly Lupin's head nearly hit the window frame as the carriage took off at a tumultuous pace.

"What's going on!" Hermione yelled, her eyes wide and frantic.

"They're gone," he replied simply.

Hermione and Ron looked shocked for a moment, and then Ron began shouting.  "Gone?!  What do you mean gone?  Gone where?!"

"I don't know," Lupin answered softly, his hand resting on his wand as he gazed out the window.  "Stay calm.  Once you're back at Hogwarts you'll be safe."

"What about Harry!  What about Severus!"  Hermione demanded shrilly.  "Aren't you going to look for them?"

"As soon as you're safe, I'll go back," he promised.

"Bullocks!" Ron cried, already reaching for the handle.  "You're not just leaving us behind while our best friend is missing!"

The werewolf grabbed Ron's hand and pushed him back into the seat.  His eyes were apologetic about the rough treatment, and his voice was low and hopefully soothing.  "It won't do either of them any good if you're both rushing off.  We don't know what's happened, and we need to find out first."

"Don't know?  Bloody hell!  You Know Who has taken them!  Even I know that!" Ron retorted.

Lupin frowned and shook his head.  "Not by himself.  He has others do the dirty work for him."

"I thought there were anti-apparition wards up," Hermione whispered as her arms curled around her abdomen protectively.  "How could he have taken them?"

"We'll find out," Lupin promised.  "Until then, just sit tight."

He ignored their twin glares, turning to look out the window and make sure no one was following them.  When he looked back, tears were sparkling in Hermione's eyes.  "We shouldn't have gone," she whispered, words catching in her throat.

Ron looked over and frowned before slinging an arm around her.  "S'all right, 'Mione.  They'll be okay."

Everyone wanted to believe that.

**

Harry didn't want to wake up.  It hurt too damn much.  There was an annoying ringing in his ears that wasn't going away, and his entire body felt rubbery.  Not quite his own body as it tingled whenever he shifted.  The worst part was the throbbing in the back of his head, which definitely wasn't numb.  Instead, it felt as though one of Hagrid's cousins had wrapped a hand around it and was squeezing to pop it like a cherry tomato.

Groaning, he rolled off his back and onto his side, hoping to relieve the pressure, but it just made his stomach turn and lights dance before his shut eyelids.  He swallowed the bile that rose reflexively, wondering if a bludger had caught him during a game.

Then, as thought caught up with the pain signals, he remembered the bathroom.  And Snape.  The floor was terribly cold, like ice, and he dully realized that was probably why he felt so numb.  His hand reached out, expecting to feel the wooden floor, and instead the ground felt sharp, rugged, and uneven.  Like, the earth had shifted and pushed up on itself.

Harry forced his eyes to open, which proved singularly unhelpful.   The space around him remained terribly dark, lending a new definition to pitch black.  He had to blink to make sure he had actually opened his eyes in the first place.  There was a momentary panicked thought that maybe he'd been knocked blind.  He didn't even know that could happen.

But he had seen Max.  Anger suddenly flooded over him.  What had Max done?  Harry forced his hands to feel out a bit more, but all he felt was uneven rock.  Cold rock.  And then he thought he heard a steady drop of water echoing off in the distance through the ringing in his ears.

Where the hell was he?

He pushed himself up to his knees, and then had to stop as the pain in his head nearly made him faint away.  He held his head in his hands, and then gingerly felt the back of his skull.  The hair was matted and sticky.  When he pulled his hands away and rubbed his fingers together, the wetness there was all too familiar.

Wiping his fingers on his jeans, Harry reached up to feel for his glasses.  They, at least, were still there, for all the good it did him.  He didn't like not being able to see even his hand in front of his face, didn't like it at all.  It reminded him of the cupboard at night, so dark, with only the crawling spiders for company.  But wherever he was, it was much bigger than the tiny cupboard.

"Hello?" he tried calling.  Only his echo answered, bouncing and repeating endlessly in the dark.  "Severus?"  Again, only his own voice came back, sounding as if a dozen more Harry's were calling back and forth to each other in the distance.

Where was Snape?

He crawled around a bit, ignoring the pain in his head, and tried to find his diminutive Potions Master.  Occasionally he called for him, but there was no answer.  No soft breathing or cries.  No screaming either.  He could still have been asleep, Harry supposed, and if he were that would probably be for the best.  Harry hated thinking what it would be like for the toddler to wake up in this perpetually echoing darkness.

Then suddenly his hand hit something soft and furry.  Harry recoiled for a moment, but when there was no sound of movement, he hesitantly grasped at it again.  When he closed his hand around it, he could tell by the way it collapsed it was a stuffed animal.

And then he realized it was Snape's werewolf doll.  He could feel the button eyes and its little muzzle.  If his doll was here then maybe…

Harry redoubled his search with a frantic pace, holding Wolfy in one hand and groping with the other in an endless and empty darkness.  Calling a name that was only answered by his own seemingly mocking voice.

**

Wormtail shifted uneasily from one foot to the next, his beady little eyes darting back and forth between Voldemort's huge snake and the miniature version of Snape laying like a limp doll in the center of its coils.  Lucius was leaning negligently against the empty throne, gazing at Snape with a very odd expression on his face.  Somewhere between morbid curiosity and just, well, morbid.

The teenager who had brought both Harry and Snape was pacing restlessly back and forth, though his steps stayed a safe distance from the Death Eaters and the giant snake.  Despite his anxiety, Max studiously avoided looking at anything but the well-carved stone floor.  His youthful face looked worried, frightened, and more than a little guilty.  Wormtail could relate, but thought the boy would do better to wipe the guilt from his expression before the Dark Lord arrived.  If Voldemort even smelled it, Maxwell Boots would be one dead Hufflepuff.

"It's very odd."  Lucius' voice cut through the silence like a blade against the skin.  Wormtail actually winced before risking a glance in his direction.

"What is?" he asked, even though he really didn't want to know any of the thoughts Malfoy had running through his sick head.

Lucius gazed over with cold gray eyes.  "He's so-- innocent looking.  I can't ever remember Sev looking innocent, not even in his first year.  Nearly makes him out to be an entirely different person.  Don't you agree?"

Wormtail gazed back over at the round face.  Lucius was right.  Snape had always had a sharp edge to him, even when they were only eleven.  Probably because he was so skinny and angry, and he'd always been angry.  At least whenever Peter had bothered to notice. Still, he didn't see why it was so fascinating to Lucius.  Maybe it was a Slytherin thing- the whole house was nuts, in Wormtail's opinion.  "What's it matter?"

"Well-" Lucius drawled, tossing his expensive silk cape over his shoulder, "you weren't really in the fold during the Dark Lord's first reign.  You should have seen Sev then.  My proudest achievement by far."

"Your achievement?" Now Wormtail was just confused.

Lucius narrowed his eyes and gave him that look the Slytherins seemed to be born with.  That 'you are such a moron- must everything be explained in little words' look.  Wormtail flushed with embarrassment without Malfoy even needing to say anything.  "Who do you think brought him into the fold?  I did, of course.  I recognize potential when I see it."  Then he looked away- nearly deliberately, Peter thought.  "And, my, what a Death Eater he made.  He was ruthless.  Took my teachings and became the best pupil in torture I ever had.  

"Sev has always excelled though, always wanted to please those who show even the slightest interest in him.  Even before he joined, he knew more of the Dark Arts that had been lost than anyone else next to the Dark Lord himself."  Lucius tilted his head.  "Now, well, you just wouldn't guess that- would you?"

"I still don't see why it matters.  So he wasn't born a vicious bastard.  Who cares?" Wormtail replied.

Lucius seemed to puff with indignation.  Wormtail pulled nervously at his cold silver fingers at the idea of having just insulted Lucius Malfoy.  "Snapes are a pureblood family traced back nearly as far as my own.  You'd do best to remember that, halfblood.  He's the godfather of my son, and for good reason.  The Malfoys, the Snapes, the Parkinsons, the Crabbes, the Goyles, we're the families that everyone will bow to when we win this war.  Just as we used to be, and just as it should be."  Lucius' lips twisted into an expression bordering between grimace and sneer as he took in Snape's peaceful features.  "Snape was born to hold power over the world, and to do that one has to be hardened.  Now he looks completely powerless and fragile.  I don't care for it."  The gray eyes colder than the chilled stagnant air focused again on Wormtail.  "That's why you should care, you sniveling coward."

"Well spoken, Lucius."

Everyone, even Lucius, dropped to lay prostrate on the floor at that voice.  Wormtail didn't even need to see Voldemort to know he was near.  He could feel the power rolling off the Dark Lord like a tide of destruction, and it made Wormtail shiver as his master walked past.  As soon as the rustling of robes finished, his hissing voice once again slithered through the chamber.  "You may rise."

Wormtail pushed off the floor and stood before Voldemort, hoping he looked like the proper servant.  The Dark Lord's red eyes weren't fixed on him, however.  Instead, they were drinking in Snape like he was the most beautiful sight in the world.  Severus probably didn't get that very often.

"Bring him to me, Nagini," he ordered in his syllabic hisses.

The large serpent slowly shifted her coils, moving the still sleeping Snape within across the stone floor.  When he was in front of the throne, Voldemort reached down with his skeletal hands, covered by that bleached skin that looked more like scales, and picked the toddler up.  Snape's head lolled back and forth as he was moved, until he was finally placed within the cradle of Voldemort's arms.  "And so he is finally returned."

"Indeed, my lord," Lucius murmured.  "Just as I promised."

"Yes.  Young Malfoy has done well.  I am very pleased," Voldemort replied, smoothing Snape's hair back from his face so that he could see him better.  "And the boy?"

"We tossed him down one of the caverns.  Not a very long fall, but the walls are high and smooth enough that he won't be able to climb out, My Lord.  We thought you might like to take care of him personally," Lucius replied evenly, though the glee nearly radiated from his face.

The slit that served as Voldemort's mouth curled upwards.  "Very, very, good."

"Shall I bring him to you?" Wormtail asked, bowing his head.

"Not quite yet.  Let him stew in the darkness for a while.  I want him terrified when we meet for the last time.  I don't care for his bravado, it takes all the fun out of it."  Voldemort peered down at Snape.  "Why is he sleeping, Wormtail?"

Wormtail glanced quickly over at the boy who'd brought them.  Max was literally shaking in his boots, and the animangus could hear his teeth chattering.  "He was sleeping when Mr. Boots brought him."

Voldemort's red eyes drifted languidly over towards the frightened Hufflepuff.  "The mark should have kept him wide awake."

"I- I-" The boy swallowed.  "Nightsh-sh-shade."

"Nightshade?" Voldemort questioned, his forked tongue flicking out to catch the scent.  "Ah.  Why did you feel the need to drug your Professor?  I'm sure he would have been more than willing to heed my summons."

Boots didn't answer.  That, of course, was a mistake.

Wormtail looked away as soon as Voldemort had produced his wand, and tried not to wince as the curse was pronounced.  Cruciatus.  He studiously examined the smoothed stone near his feet as the boy screamed and convulsed near him.  When the spell finally stopped, Wormtail risked a glance over.  The boy was curled into a fetal position, and it appeared as if he had scratched at the skin on his face.

"It was very foolish of you to expose Severus to such a powerful potion in his current condition.  I'm sure if he were able, he would tell you that himself."  Voldemort sighed as he gazed down.  "He may sleep for days.  I wish to greet him now."  Voldemort's eyes hardened as he looked over.  "Do you have an antidote?"

Boots whimpered.

"Lucius," Voldemort ordered, pointing towards the prone figure on the ground.

Lucius gave a deep bow and strode over.  Wormtail watched as he kicked the boy hard in the ribs, causing him to move onto his back, and then bent down to search his pockets.  He soon came up with a violet vial, which he uncorked and sniffed.  "I think this is it."

"You think?" Voldemort murmured softly.

Lucius somehow managed to look both smug and sheepish.  "Severus did most of my homework in the subject, My Lord.  I'm afraid I was never very skilled at Potions."

"Bring it to me," he replied.  Lucius crossed the distance and stepped over Nagini to hand the vial to Voldemort.  Popping open the vial, the Dark Lord flicked his tongue out again and then nodded.  "At least he did something right," he stated in a very put-out sort of way.  

With only an imperceptible shift of his eyes, Wormtail managed to glance again at the boy.  This wasn't going very well for him, despite having hand-delivered Harry Potter to Voldemort.  Annoying the Dark Lord was more dangerous than poking a sleeping dragon, and far more hazardous to your health.

He turned back in time to see Voldemort open the tiny pouting mouth and carefully place three drops on Snape's tongue.  He then handed the vial back to Lucius, who took a few steps back from the throne, before turning and waiting.

Snape stirred almost immediately, his face contorting into a look of disgust.  The potion must not have tasted very good.  Soon, the tiny hands clutched at the Dark Lords robes, and the impossibly large round eyes fluttered open.

The reaction was pure terror.  Snape stared up at Voldemort's parody of a smile like a goblin caught in the path of a giant.  His face then screwed up strangely, and then he began to cry.

Wormtail exchanged a glance with Lucius.

"There there," Voldemort cooed, stroking Snape's hair.  The cooing was just- wrong.  So very, very, wrong.  If Wormtail had been in Snape's place, he would have been sobbing his little heart out too.  "You see?  The Nightshade has obviously made him uncomfortable."

_Yeah, sure_, Wormtail thought rather sarcastically.  Lucius and he exchanged another glance.  Neither was about to correct Voldemort.  It was wiser to let the Megalomaniac think whatever he wanted.

Voldemort frowned thoughtfully.  "You've harmed him."

"No," Boots gasped, struggling to his feet.  "I made it just as the Professor taught us."

"Why is he so upset then?  You see?"  Voldemort held him higher so that Boots could watch Snape wail.  "He's in pain."

"Maybe he's frightened?" Boots suggested timidly.

Voldemort looked perplexed by that suggestion.  "Why should he be afraid?  He's with us again, just as he should be."

"I don't know," Boots said desperately, looking as though he were about to join Snape in the crying.

"Hush, Severus.  I'll make him pay."  Voldemort settled Snape down on his thigh, and pointed his wand at Boots, who did decide to start crying then, sobbing that he had done exactly as he was asked.  Voldemort ignored the pleas, addressing Snape instead.  "He'll go away now.  _Avada Kedavra_."

The green light shot out of Voldemort's wand like an arrow, and when it passed through Boots, the Hufflepuff fell over dead.

At that, Snape did stop wailing, though he stared at the body of Maxwell Boots with tearing eyes.  Voldemort took this as a good sign and smiled, clutching the baby closer.  "One thing we have always had in common, Severus.  We hate to suffer fools, don't we?  Yes, there's a good boy."  Voldemort began stroking his hair again while the toddler continued to gaze at the motionless corpse.

Lucius snapped his fingers, summoning two lumbering and masked Death Eaters who appeared like phantoms from the shadows.  The pair walked over to the body, took an arm each, and then dragged it out of the chamber.  Snape's eyes followed it as his former student scraped along the stone floor, until the doors closed once again.  He sniffed a few times, gazing over at Lucius and Wormtail with pleading eyes.  "No mow."

"What did he say?" Voldemort asked, pausing in his caresses to look over at Lucius.

The Malfoy frowned, tapping his chin.  "No something."

"I thought you said you knew how to raise a child, Lucius," Voldemort replied with irritation.

"Well, it's been quite some time since Draco was that small, My Lord.  And, really, the House Elves took care of most of the tedious business.  He never made much sense either."  Lucius shrugged.  "Perhaps Narcissa would be able to interpret.  Women are very good at such things."

"I have already told you, Lucius.  I will be keeping Severus."  Voldemort moved the boy so that he was lying against his arms again.  "This solves both of our problems, you know," he said to the toddler.  "You were becoming a bit lax in your duties, and I've been missing an heir.  We'll correct these mistakes, won't we, Severus?  I'll raise you as my own, and then perhaps you'll show the gusto you used to.  You'll be one of my best again."  He smiled.  "We'll have such fun together.  Just like before, son."

Snape's pouting lower lip trembled, and Wormtail nearly missed the shaky whisper.  "Hawee."

**

Lupin and Sirius sat in the Headmaster's round office, both of them feeling everything from rage to guilt.  Dumbledore himself paced back and forth on the plush carpet, Fawkes staring down at them with pitying eyes from his golden perch.  The rest of the Order was still searching Hogsmede, but Sirius and Lupin both doubted they'd find anything.  Lupin had been right, and heartily wished he hadn't been.  Sirius had confirmed there was no trail to follow.  That left a portkey.

And a portkey could have taken them anywhere.

All of the students had been rounded up, and all were accounted for but Harry and one other, a seventh year Hufflepuff.  Lupin and Snuffles had been in the office as Dumbledore questioned his younger brother, Terry Boots, a fifth year Ravenclaw.  Terry obviously knew nothing, and Lupin could smell he was worried.  The only information they could glean was that Maxwell had been very quiet and withdrawn after Cedric Diggory's death last year, and that Terry thought someone had been threatening his brother.

Lupin had a sinking suspicion that Maxwell Boots was somehow involved.  "What now?"

Dumbledore paused, glancing over.  "We wait."

"Wait?" Sirius echoed, looking aghast at the very suggestion.  "He's got them, Albus.  I know it!  We've got to do something!"

"There's nothing we can do," Dumbledore said, and his voice suddenly cracked with so much raw anger Lupin and Sirius flinched in their seats.  Dumbledore's eyes softened.  "I'm sorry, children.  I didn't mean to take that out on either of you."

They both understood, and murmured vague reassurances that seemed ludicrous in light of the situation.  Then Sirius leaned forward.  "Look, with all due respect sir, we know there are Death Eater initiates in Hogwarts.  Any one of them could be behind this, or at the very least know who is.  I know you want to respect Snape's wishes of leaving them alone until they actually do something wrong, but- I think this counts.  Don't you?"

"Snape's journal is not on my desk, Sirius."  Dumbledore tapped the top of the oak wood.  "The fact that Severus is still alive we can at least take some comfort in."

"You Know Who doesn't want Snape dead, he wants Harry dead.  Pardon me if I don't rejoice in the fact Snape's still alive when my Godson could be-"

"Don't even say it, Sirius," Lupin said in a pained whisper.  "We don't know that.  Harry's survived before.  He's strong and we mustn't underestimate him."

"All I'm saying is I'm not letting him fight alone if I can help it," Sirius finished, folding his arms in a motion Lupin well recognized.  Stubborn.  He wasn't backing down.  Neither was Lupin.  "We've got to see that journal, Headmaster.  We've got to know who to question, and the clock is ticking."

"Sirius is right," Lupin contributed.  "I don't like the thought of invading Severus' privacy any more than you do, but this is life and death now."

Dumbledore sank into his chair and gazed at them with an air of profound sadness, looking every minute of his one hundred and fifty years.  "Even if I managed to take the journal, I'm unable to open it.  That seal is not capable of being broken by anyone but Severus."

Sirius ran his hands angrily through his hair, jumped out of his seat and resumed the pacing where Dumbledore had left off.  "There's got to be a way.  Maybe any Snape can open it?"

"Severus is the last of his lineage, and even if his parents were alive, the seal is too specific," Dumbledore answered.

Sirius bowed his head into his hands, and Lupin could tell he was gritting his teeth in frustration.  "Bastard!"

Dumbledore sighed and looked over at Lupin.  "Why don't you both return to Hogsmede again?  Try to find anything we can use."

Lupin nodded dully, standing and taking Sirius by the arm to drag him out of the office.  As the door closed and the stairs began moving, Sirius lifted his head.  "I've failed him, Moony."

"You've done nothing of the sort," Lupin replied gently.  "James wouldn't blame you for this.  Even if he did, which he wouldn't, I'd be just as much at fault."

"You know, I never thought I would say this, but it's too bad Snape never had a twin."  Sirius inhaled sharply and straightened his shoulders in defiance.  "I'm not giving up."

An idea began unfolding in Lupin's mind.  It was the extreme sort of idea, the sort the Marauders used to have all the time.  It would need Sirius though, and his friend definitely wouldn't care for it.  Not only because it was rather strange, but because it would require Sirius to take on a roll he'd absolutely detest.  However, Dumbledore had often proved to him that the zaniest ideas often turned out to be good ones.  It was so insane it just might work.  "Say that again."

Sirius glanced over, eyebrows drawn together.  "I said I'm not giving up."

Lupin smiled slightly, his amber eyes gleaming.  "And well you shouldn't, but before that."

Sirius looked at Lupin as if he had gone Loopy.  "I said it's too bad Snape doesn't have a twin."  Sirius' face brightened.  "Are you saying there's a long lost big nose out there, Moony?"

Lupin smirked.  "Could be.  Do you still have that Polyjuice on you?"

It had been one of Dumbledore's orders to Snape, which he had fulfilled despite much grumbling over the time and effort involved.  In the event that Sirius was ever spotted, he should have a vial of Polyjuice and hair samples with him- so that he could quickly change shape if his Animangus form was out of the question.  After all, a large black dog could not slip through the ministry offices, but it was a simple matter to change and parade about as Kingsley or Arthur Weasley.

Or even Snape.

Sirius' mouth dropped open.  "Are you insane?" he whispered.  "Are you suggesting I turn _into_ Snape?"

Just the reaction Lupin had expected, and now it would be his unlucky duty to change Sirius' mind.  "That's exactly what I'm suggesting," Lupin replied with a quiet confidence.  "Think about it, for all intents and purposes- you would be Severus Snape.  The Journal wouldn't be able to tell the difference."

"But-" Sirius jaw worked for a moment, before the sound finally caught up, "_I'd be Snape_!  Greasy, sallow, skinny, beanstalk, nose to land a dragon on, _SNAPE!_"

"That's the concept of it."

Sirius turned indignant.  "Why don't YOU take the potion?  You've never had that big of a problem with Snivellus before, even though he made it so you lost your job!"

Lupin rolled his eyes.  "I'm a werewolf, Padfoot.  I can't take shape-shifting elixirs.  Too dangerous.  Same reason why I never tried to become an Animangus."

Sirius' pursed his lips together angrily, glaring.  "I am NOT wearing Snivellus' skin, Moony.  The very thought is enough to turn my stomach."

"Sirius Black, if you've ever truly wanted to protect your God-son, this is the way to do it.  Are you going to let Harry die because of an old school grudge?" Lupin retorted angrily, his usually soft voice rising.  "Severus has saved Harry's life before, despite how he feels about James.  What about you?"

Sirius shut his mouth and looked away guiltily.  Then he mumbled, "but I bet you fifty Galleons he'd never turn into me."

"Perhaps not, but perhaps he would."  Lupin put a hand on his friend's shoulder.  "Please tell me James' faith in you meant something."

Sirius stiffened as if struck.  After several tense silent moments, he let out a sigh.  "Alright.  Fine.  I'll take the damn potion.  But if anything happens- if I'm stuck looking like Snape the rest of my life, I'll kill myself.  And you.  After we rescue Harry."

"Good man," Lupin said cheerfully as he clapped Sirius on the shoulder.  "Let's get that journal."

**

The Gryffindors were all assembled in the tower.  Lupin and Snuffles looked around for Ron, but didn't see him.  Lupin asked Neville where the red head was, and the boy replied Hermione and Ron were both up in Ron's dorm room.  Lupin thanked him, and went up the stairs for the fifth year boy's dormitory with Snuffles moping behind.  Lupin sighed and was glad he was at least moping along quickly.

He didn't bother to knock before entering, and found Hermione sitting Indian style on the floor sniffling over a soft blue blanket that must have gone in the empty crib she leaned her head against.  Ron was busy banging his brother's bat against a large book bound in black leather.  "Stupid, piece of- Professor!"

Lupin shut the door, warding it behind him.  As soon as it was safe, Sirius stood up next to him.  He wasted no time in pointing at the book.  "Is that Snape's journal?"

Ron nodded, looking back and forth.  "Yeah.  Did you find Harry?  Is he alright?"

"Is Sevvie okay?" Hermione stood up, brushing her eyes with the back of her sleeve.  "And Harry?"

"We didn't find them," Lupin said softly.

Ron's face fell just before his head bowed.  Hermione actually sunk to the floor, clutching the blanket to her chest as she began crying fresh tears.  Ron glanced over, sighed, and tossed the very journal Sirius was eyeing uneasily beside him on the bed before joining Hermione on the floor and wrapping his arms around her.  "Don't cry 'Mione.  Please.  That's not what they need."

"That monster took them!"  She wailed, hiding her face in Ron's shirt.  "What if he tried to hurt Severus?  What if he got frustrated and threw a Cruciatus curse at him?!"

Ron patted her on the back, looking up at Lupin and Sirius.  "So, what do we do now?"

Lupin glanced over at Sirius, and the Animangus winced.  "Now I turn into Snape and find out who's responsible."

"You're turning into Snape," Ron repeated.  "Well, how in the bloody hell are you supposed to do that?  And just how is that going to help Harry?  Or anyone, for that matter?"

Sirius sighed.  "I love my godson.  I love my godson.  I love my godson," he began repeating over and over as he reached into his black robes and began digging around.  Finally, he pulled out the same flask Mad Eye (a.k.a. Barty Crouch Jr.) used to carry around all the time.  Next came a series of labeled velvet pouches, tightly knotted together.  He sorted through the embroidered names until he reached the black pouch.

He nimbly untied the knot and slipped his fingers inside, pulling out a lock of long black hair.  Still chanting his mantra, he unscrewed the cap to the flask and shoved the hairs roughly inside it.  He then screwed the lid back on and shook it up like one would a martini.  Finally, he stopped and opened it again, glancing finally at Lupin.  "If this doesn't work, I want you to know- it's all your fault."

"Take it, Sirius," Lupin replied.  "We don't have the time to stall."

"Right," Sirius muttered before lifting the flask to his lips.  He gazed at all of them, even Hermione who had finally looked up.  "Cheers then," he said and began swallowing the contents.

"How in the world is getting drunk going to help!" Hermione asked loudly.

Remus replied as Sirius gagged- the flask dropping to the floor.  "Just watch."

Sirius doubled over, gripping at his stomach and making very odd keening noises.  His breathing came in pants, and soon he seemed to loose the ability to stand at all, falling sideways onto Dean's bed.  Lupin, Ron, and Hermione all stared as his skin began to change color.  Sirius was very pale from spending so much time indoors, but it managed to lighten another shade and developed a yellow tint.

His eyes then began to change from their sky blue to an obsidian black, and then he groaned as his arms and legs lengthened while his shoulders simultaneously shrunk.  His long black hair began sinking into his scalp, became finer, until it was splayed across the red comforter like a dark halo.  Simultaneously his small round nose lengthened and grew, even as his cheeks sharpened and the cleft in his chin molded like clay into an angular point.

When the changes finally stopped, Severus Snape lay wild-eyed atop the bed, garbed in Sirius Black's larger robes.  "Did it work?" Sirius croaked, the voice still very much his and not the silky cadence of the Potions Master.

"Like a charm," Lupin replied, pointing to a full-length mirror.

Sirius shook his head, and his lips seemed to form that familiar sneer when the short hair hit his cheeks.  "No, I don't want to see.  I don't ever want to see."

"Open the book, Sirius," Lupin suggested softly, walking over to Ron's bed and grabbing the large Journal.

"Polyjuice," Hermione breathed, her chocolate brown eyes nearly boggling.  "Oh, why didn't I think of that?"

"Next time tell me you'll volunteer for the sex change, and I'll leave it to you," Sirius muttered.

Ron gazed at Sirius, and then grinned.  "Still sounds like you, but you're wearing the wrong face."

Lupin actually chuckled from the glare Sirius sent- it was so Snape.  Well, it was Snape.  Perhaps it was less of a personality thing and more of the way the man's facial muscles worked.  He dropped the large book on Sirius' lap.  "Do what we came for."

"Right," Sirius replied, effortlessly opening the cover.  He smiled widely down at the writing that greeted him.  "Well, well.  Looks like it worked."

Hermione gasped.  They all glanced towards her, eyebrows pinched together.  

The girl blushed a bit and glanced away, clearing her throat.  "I've never seen the Professor really smile before."

Ron gave her a very odd look.  "Frightening, isn't it?"

"Actually, I think he looks much younger," she replied in a small voice.  "Bit dashing."

Lupin decided not to even go there, as Sirius' face- Snape's face- had the most horrified of expressions on it.  "I did not hear that," he said, speaking the thoughts that were broadcasted on Ron's own face.  "I'm going to pretend that it's the Black charm coming through even this greasy git in full swing."

"Don't be so self centered," Hermione shot back.  "You look nothing like yourself."

"Don't remind me," Sirius replied, already flipping through the journal.  There was silence as his eyes quickly skimmed through the spidery crawl.  As Sirius searched for something they could use, Lupin sat himself onto Harry's bed.

Harry's trunk sitting alone and unopened at the end of the bed drew Lupin's eyes, and the werewolf felt a well of emotions.  Guilt, foremost among them.  He shouldn't have let Harry take Snape to the bathroom alone.  Should have gone with him.  In fact, he should have helped out much more in the first place.  Ron and Harry had been so happy to go to Hogsmede, they were obviously strained, and Lupin wondered about the wisdom of leaving the baby in their care.  Not because they weren't capable- they'd proven they were- but because of all that was required in taking care of someone who depended on you so completely.  He thought that James and Lily would be very proud of Harry for doing as well as he had.

Lupin didn't want to end up mourning Harry the way he was now left to morn his other best friend and wife.  Thinking, all the time, of how things should be rather than how they were.

"Moony," Sirius called, drawing Lupin from his thoughts.  He turned to regard Sirius expectantly.  "I think I've found something."

Lupin stood and moved over next to Sirius, gazing down where the Animangus had pointed with his finger.  "The list."

Sirius nodded.  "And look who we have here."  He tapped on one name in particular.

Draco Malfoy.

"Guess daddy's little boy is following in the family business," Sirius remarked caustically.  "Want to make a bet on whether or not he's involved, Moony?"

"No.  I'd lose," Lupin replied quietly, his eyes narrowed.  He then tilted his head towards Sirius.  "Been about thirty minutes, ya?"

Sirius arched one of Snape's thin black brows.  "'Bout."

"Well, why don't you take another drink, and we'll go have a chat with Mr. Malfoy."

Sirius sighed petulantly.  "Do I have to, Moony?" he whined.

"Yes," Lupin answered, snapping the book shut and tossing it back on the bed.  "If he thinks Snape is back, I'm sure he'll spill all the sordid details.  Especially if you mention he helped rescue you.  Malfoys all love a good preening."

Ron cracked one of his knuckles.  "We'll go, too."

"No, you won't.  I know you want to help, Ron, but right now you've just got to sit tight.  We'll bring them back.  I promise."

Ron seemed angered by that response, and opened his mouth to reply.  Hermione, though, stepped in.  "Of course, Professor."  Ron startled, but Hermione gave him a significant glance.  "Wish them luck, Ron."

Ron gazed intently at her, and then slowly nodded, as if he was instructed to.  "Yeah, yeah.  You're right.  Good luck," he told them in a very unconvincing voice.

Sirius and Remus exchanged a wordless little communication of their own.  It was weird to be reading the expression on Snape's face, but he got the message anyway.  'Up to no good.'

Unfortunately, they had no time to worry about that.  With a subtle twist of his wrist, Lupin indicated he would charm the door shut after they left, which hopefully ought to hold the two underage adventurers.  Heaving a martyred sigh, Sirius stood up and took another drink from the flask.  He gagged and doubled over again, but since he was already Snape, he did not need to endure the agonizing transformation.

Moments later, the two Marauders walked back out the door.  Lupin paused to give them both a sharp, warning look, but put a sealing charm (the best he knew) on the dormitory door before leaving the stairs.  Ignoring the startled exclamation from the students at seeing their fully grown Potions Master again, the pair headed out of Gryffindor tower and down into the Dungeons.  Right into the Snake Pit.

**

**Next Time**:  Lupin and Sirius/Snape interrogate everyone's favorite bouncing ferret.  Harry finds the light at the end of the tunnel.  Hermione and Ron learn all the uses of a broomstick.  Sevviekins asks Voldie the age-old question, 'who's your daddy now, biatch?'

All that and more in the next exciting chapter of-

THREE GRYFFINDORS AND A BABY

Come back now, y'here?

**

**Appendix --- Aw forget it   ;.;**

**Baby (Toddler) Babble:**

**No mow**:  No more

**Hawee**: Harry


	12. The Trouble With Toddlers

**Three Gryffindors and A Baby**   
::celeste::

celeste . potionsmaster . net (take out the spaces)

Disclaimer: Guess what? I don't own Harry Potter. Shocking, I know. See, this lady named JK Rowling owns the world and it's characters. Rowling is brilliant, rich, and a wonderful writer. I'm not. Suing is bad for your Karma.

**By the by**, this story takes place during Harry's fifth year. It was started before Order of the Phoenix, so it's now AU.

Special Thanks: To Ramos, my Beta Reader. Read her stories when you're done with this one (check out my favorite authors list). She's a wonderful writer, and it's an honor to have her help.

A/N **please read**: Because I've had so many requests to e-mail people when new chapters come out (and because I don't want to add them to my addy book in outlook in case –heaven forbid- I get one of those nasty viruses) I've finally figured out how to do one of those nifty mailing lists through my website. You can now go to **celeste . potionsmaster . net / tgabml . php **(no spaces) and subscribe to the Three Gryffindors and A Baby Mailing List so that you'll know when a new chapter is up without having to add me to your favorite authors list. I recommend this since I sometimes go a few months between posting the new chapter, and this way you wont have to constantly check back.

I hope this makes the waiting game easier for all of you. May my muse be beat over the head when its not co-operating.

* * *

**Chapter 12**

**The Trouble With Toddlers**

With another heave Ron struggled to wrench the door to his dorm room open. He couldn't believe Lupin and Sirius had actually sealed them in. When he finally admitted tugging the thing open it wasn't going to work, he decided to switch tactics and try to break through. Ignoring Hermione's suggestions to calm down and think rationally, he pulled out his wand and aimed it point-blank at the door. "_FLAMINIS!_"

There was a great rush of air in which Ron's ears popped from the sudden change of pressure. His entire wand trembled violently as it prepared to unleash the spell. "Uh oh…" Ron muttered as he felt the vibrations move up his arm as the spell gathered strength.

_Maybe that spell hadn't been the best idea…_

It was his last coherent thought before the tip of his wand erupted in a ring of blue lightning. It crackled and thundered so loudly that, after the second lightening bolt crashed into Dean's bed, Ron could no longer hear Hermione's continuing cries of 'idiot'.

And that was before the blasting charm actually hit the door.

It was probably his most impressive spell to date- and it was beautiful in that 'oh bloody hell I'm going to die' spectacular sort of way. It collided with the wood, a great lightning storm concentrated in the radius of a few feet. In a split second, the electric blue shimmered into green and red on the worn wooden panels. No normal door could have withstood such an assault.

Unfortunately, this door was rather special, in that it had received the Lupin touch. He hadn't been named DADA instructor during their third year for nothing, and the door didn't even groan under the quick barrage. Instead, it actually expanded a bit- bulging in its frame as if made out of rubber- before it sent the spell ricocheting back.

Directly towards Ron.

* * *

Helping Ron to his feet, Hermione was torn between an intense desire to hug him for being relatively alright and smacking him upside the head for trying such a stupid stunt. One look at his face- covered rather cartoonishly with sooty looking smudges- and bugging blue eyes made her think he'd probably learned his lesson. Instead of smacking or hugging him, she calmly licked her fingers and began pinching out the small fires burning sections of his now literally flaming red hair. "That was incredibly stupid, Ron."

"WHAT?" he asked as he cupped one hand over his ear in an attempt to hear better. Hermione realized most of his clothes had been burnt away as well. Luckily, patches of charred school robes and his trousers kept his more private bits hidden. She quickly checked to make sure he had no third degree burns, and satisfied there were no life threatening injuries, she settled for just glaring.

"You are so lucky," she told him primly, simultaneously patting out another small fire on his shoulder.

"WHAT?" Ron turned towards her and blinked. "STOP WHISPERING!"

"I SAID YOU'RE LUCKY! YOU COULD'VE BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT!" Hermione shouted back.

Ron examined his clothes for a second before looking back at her. "FLAME RETARDENT! MOM DOSES US ALL EVERY YEAR! TWINS! ALREADY BURNED DOWN THE BURROW TWICE!"

"Oh," Hermione replied simply. That would be a very smart move of Mrs. Weasley.

Hermione had realized what Lupin's charm must have been as soon as Ron's _flaminis_ had hit the door- a sealing charm that would take her years to master. The sort Bill usually spent hours on in Egyptian crypts. Opening the door was out of the question until Lupin decided to return and break the seal.

Of course, it was too late to tell Ron that since the spell had already rebounded on him. For a terrifying instant, she was sure he'd be incinerated. Instead, he was knocked spinning off his feet into the air, and shoved a good fifteen feet, where he came crashing down through the canopy on Neville's bed.

He still looked a bit dazed, but no worse for wear considering what could have happened to him. Once she was sure all the fires were out, she stood up from Neville's bed and gazed at the ruined room. Dean's bed had been reduced to a smoldering pile of splinters and burning hangings- his trunk had been overturned, the parchments on fire and his belongings strewn all about. Dean's things seemed to have taken the worst of it. Snape's crib and the other beds were fine- with the exception of scorch marks in jagged patterns across curtains and the walls. The floor had three black circles in it where the lightning had probably crashed.

She sighed and began extinguishing the fires with her wand as Ron stumbled around behind her. "IT DIDN'T WORK!" he gaped as he took in the unblemished door.

"Well, I tried to tell you," Hermione snapped as she put out the last flame and straightened up. "You don't just start shooting blasting charms all over if you don't know what spells you're dealing with."

"WHAT?"

Hermione sighed and rubbed her forehead. "NEVERMIND!"

"WHAT DO WE DO NOW?" Ron yelled.

Instead of answering Ron's question, Hermione began massaging her temple. She felt a migraine coming on.

* * *

Down in the dungeons, standing just outside of Snape's quarters, Remus was also rubbing his graying temples. He would likely develop a few more gray hairs before this was all over.

"I won't do it, Moony!" Sirius shouted. He still looked exactly like Snape, and under other circumstances, an irate Snape pacing back and forth angrily yanking at his hair would have given Remus second thoughts about approaching him. Let alone attempting any sort of discussion.

Yet, this wasn't Snape. Aside from Sirius' voice nearly whining petulantly as a clue to give that fact away, there was also the matter of the ripped and decidedly grungy black robes he wore. Robes he'd probably worn in Azkaban from the looks of them. They were even more torn than Remus' own, lacking the patches he had sewn into his own sorry set. Robes one would never associate with the stiff collared and 'Merlin forbid there's a single wrinkle in the precious frock coat' Snape.

The man used more starch in his laundry than the entire population of Britain. Had something to do with that stick, Remus privately thought, or perhaps it was a package deal- starch sold in bulk at a discount.

"You can't wear those robes and expect this scheme to work, Sirius," he stated. "You know how Severus is about his attire. He wouldn't be caught dead in something like that."

"I'm already wearing his skin, do I have to wear his clothes too?" Sirius shot back. The black eyes didn't glitter with hatred, as Remus was accustomed to. Sirius was trying to use the puppy dog eyes. A formidable weapon when they were their normal wide blue- now it was nearly comical, not to mention slightly disturbing.

It was difficult to keep his lip from twitching- but laughing would only send Sirius into a rage. Remus cleared his throat and folded his hands behind his back. "Yes," he simply replied.

Sirius ran a frustrated hand through his hair, and then grimaced as he pulled it away. He looked nearly ill, gazing down at his palm, before wiping his hand off on his robes. After a moment, he finally gave in. "Fine."

He turned and roughly kicked the stone with the small chip in the corner. The wall slid aside with a loud grind against the corridor, and soon the pair were staring at the silver serpent lazily gazing at them. "Passsssword." Sirius groaned and gazed over at Moony.

"You're its master. Order it to let you in," Remus pointed out.

Sirius rolled his eyes before turning back to the snake. "Open up."

"Passsswo-"

The snake was suddenly cut off as Sirius' hand snatched its cold silver body just below the triangular head and began squeezing. "Open up." It was delivered in a soft whisper. A deadly sort of whisper that could nearly pass for Snape's if the voice had been a bit deeper.

With a jerk the snake winced, and then nodded slowly. As soon as Sirius' hand let it go, the lock on the door clicked.

Remus started reaching for the handle, then stopped short as he realized it, too, was silver. He had to wonder if it had always been silver, or if it had been added two years ago. He glanced helplessly at Sirius, who muttered something very unflattering under his breath before turning it himself.

The opulence of Snape's quarters made the both of them a bit sick at Slytherin indulgence. There was something to be said for fineries, yes, but Slytherins always took it over the top. While Sirius snorted at the furnishings, Remus' eyes were drawn towards the floor to ceiling bookshelves.

He couldn't help but skim over a few of the spines before reluctantly tearing his eyes away to search for the door that would lead to the bedroom from the sitting room combination office. He found it in the gap between the giant darkly polished cases, and motioned Sirius to follow him through.

Sirius steps seemed to slow, as if his ankles were weighted, and his eyes turned bleak. It was clear he truly despised every moment in that body. Remus himself never understood why the two had let such a silly school grudge run so very deep and lasting. He suspected they enjoyed having someone other than them selves to despise.

And though Remus would never say it to Sirius, even under torture, he thought the two were very much alike in many respects. Brilliant, short tempered, terribly passionate towards what they truly cared about, rash to take action, disregard for anyone's feelings but theirs, selfish, and stubborn. Both locked in prisons- different prisons to be sure, but not all cells were fashioned with stone and bars.

Too alike, he supposed, to ever be anything but rivals. In the end, they had been so similar they had repelled each other like those muggle magnets. Snape couldn't give up the memory of the popular boy who'd bullied him, and Sirius couldn't see Snape as anything but the dark and twisted little Slytherin.

Perhaps Sirius was still thinking he could have turned out like Snape had he not defied his own family.

Remus watched Sirius as he snatched clothes from the large bureau and tossed them negligently to the floor. Sirius would likely never realize he was different from his family and his heritage, and still ran from it. He'd never have peace with himself until he could reconcile that.

Reconciling with Snape was the closest thing he could come to that now. As Sirius made a face down at the long coal trousers, Remus sighed and thought that was as likely as Voldemort and Harry becoming pals and chumming around at a cozy little tea party.

"Just pick something," Remus finally ordered. "We haven't much time to waste browsing through his wardrobe."

"Browsing? He's got five of everything!" Even as he protested, he did drape the large set of black robes over his arm. "No imagination or style. Surprised he doesn't have a pair of underwear labeled for every day of the week."

Sirius then snickered and pulled out a set of black silk boxers. "Oh, you know no one's going to see them! Why even bother?"

Remus shrugged as he answered. "Bad memories?"

Picking up a shirt, Sirius snorted. "One man's embarrassment is a Marauder's treasure."

Fuming over that statement, Remus flung one of Snape's frock coats at Sirius. He hadn't found it funny at all, and he never cared for that saying James had coined. "Change."

"Alright, alright!" Sirius replied as he made his way towards the bathroom. "No need to get so snippy, Moony," he called over his shoulder. He then stopped and gazed at the wall. "That's just creepy," he murmured. Remus glanced over curiously, and saw Sirius was staring at a portrait before continuing on to the bathroom and shutting the door.

He only rolled his eyes, thinking Sirius had spotted a painting of Snape's parents or Salazar Slytherin, and dismissed it before he began picking up Snape's discarded clothing. He carefully folded and hanged each article, showing the respect for the private property of others. Another thing Sirius needed to learn yet.

A horrified shout from the bathroom made him pause in the act of securing one set of robes back on its wooden hanger. "Sirius?"

"That's just not fair!"

Remus' eyebrows pinched together in his confusion. "What?"

There was a pregnant pause. Then a muffled, "nothing," was growled from the other side of the door.

Passing the incident off in his mind, Remus returned to the clothes. A few seconds later, Sirius immerged with the white shirt hanging open and in the process of fastening the trousers closed. "Bastard."

"Sirius, I don't see what Snape could have possibly done to irritate you when he's not even here," Remus responded calmly as he closed the bureau doors.

The buttons lining the fine white shirt were jerkily pushed through their little slits as Sirius scowled. "It's a damn waste. Whatever higher power there is up there has a sick sense of humor. Unless-" Sirius paused near the collar, turning thoughtful, "unless he used a potion. Or maybe used an engorgement charm on it?"

Not even sure he wanted to know the answer, Remus asked the question anyway. "It?"

Sirius gave him a significant look. "It," he replied solemnly.

"Oh for Merlin's-" Remus cut himself off and counted mentally for a few seconds before trusting himself to speak. "That is so juvenile it doesn't even dignify a response!"

"It's not juvenile!"

Remus gave him one of those level looks. "You're too old to be jealous over something like that."

"Jealous?!" Sirius responded incredulously. "I'm not jealous! I've nothing to be jealous about! I've never gotten any complaints!"

"I don't want to have this conversation," Remus remarked- doing his best to ignore Sirius.

"All I'm saying is giving someone like Snape a tool like that-"

"SIRIUS!"

"-is a damn waste! He's never had a girlfriend in his life! Probably pays." Sirius remarked acidly.

Remus frowned. There was no use in saying anything to him. It would go in one ear and out the other. "Just finish dressing, Sirius."

Sirius obeyed, but not without much muttering. It was another ten minutes until he managed to fasten all the 'stupid and useless' buttons. When he finally added the cufflinks, Remus looked him over critically, walking a slow circle around him. Finally, he nodded. "You look like Severus."

"I don't sound like Snivellus," Sirius replied, deliberately drawling the name.

Considering the problem, Remus folded his hands behind his back and began pacing. He was well aware of the clock that was ticking away. Not only for the Polyjuice, but on Harry as well. He gazed over at Sirius. "I don't suppose you can still do your Severus impression."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "That's a caricature- not an actual impression." He folded his arms, and Lupin was left staring up slightly at the familiar pose cast by Snape. "I can mimic his movements, but not his voice."

"Do a lot of Snape watching?" Remus asked with a touch of sarcasm.

Sirius gave him a cheeky grin. "Know your enemy."

Running a frustrated hand through his hair, he was left trying to dredge up something else they could use. "There must be something," he murmured.

"What about that ventriloquist charm? Eh?" Sirius suggested.

"I can't do Severus' voice. Mine is too rough. And if we had Snape at our disposal- he would just interrogate Malfoy himself."

Sirius turned quiet for a moment, his head bent down slightly. It caused Snape's shoulder length hair to fall in front of his face and nearly shield him- except for that nose. Then, Sirius turned back and looked towards the wall partially obscured by the large four-poster bed. A slow smile, which looked sinister on Snape, spread across his face. "Why don't we use him?"

As Remus watched, Sirius pointed towards the painting he had briefly walked by before changing. "Him?"

"Go look for yourself," Sirius replied- smirking and folding his arms. "It's strange in the extreme- but that's Snivellus for you."

Remus moved past Sirius towards the gilded frame of the painting. It wasn't until he was standing in front of it that he was able to see it clearly- and his jaw dropped.

Sneering at him from inside the painting's frame was Severus Snape. He was garbed in the same black robes and old world task master outfit Sirius now wore. It looked as if he had posed for it (and reluctantly- although that could just be Severus' usual shining disposition coming through) in his private potions laboratory. Cauldrons and beakers were all around him, and he leaned rather casually against the long wooden table.

"Severus?" he asked, astonished, and wondering how in the world he had ever missed this before. Then, he reflected, Severus had probably placed a charm on it. Walk right by it, and unless it was pointed out to you, you'd miss it.

Then he wondered why anyone would have a portrait of themselves hanging in their bedroom. Sirius was right, that was a bit creepy.

"Of course it's me, werewolf," the painting replied in Snape's usual cadence of silk over razor blades. "Are you growing nearsighted?"

He hated animated paintings- all the personality of their subjects. "Ah, no. Just- a bit shocking really. What are you doing here?"

"Albus' idea. Which should explain everything," Snape replied, his face an interesting mixture of boredom, loathing, eagerness (probably to get back to one of the experiments bubbling behind him), and irritation. "What are YOU doing here?"

Remus glanced around. "Well, I wouldn't be in here normally-"

"_That_ goes without saying."

"-but you and Harry have been kidnapped-" before he could finish, Snape cut him off again.

"Yes, I know all about it. Bimble is always gossiping with the Fat Lady- and whatever you tell that bint works its entire way around Hogwarts faster than you can say Quidditch." He was silent then for a few moments, as his attention was directed to a cauldron. Snape added some sort of ingredients to it, stirring them in carefully as he did so. After he was finished, he turned and regarded Lupin again. "Well, I can assure you I am not here. Mr. Potter is most definitely not here. And as soon as Black returns my things I'd like you both to be out of my rooms so that no one is here."

Remus pursed his lips together, considering something. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to help us find out where you and Harry have been taken?"

The glare he received was colder than the North Pole. "Not unless I'm ordered."

"That can be arranged," he promised calmly. Threaten was such an ugly word, but could have also applied to the tone of his voice.

Remus and Sirius both spent the next fifteen minutes verbally sparring with the portrait of Snape. In the end, they finally managed to come to an arrangement in time for Sirius to take the final dose of Polyjuice. Remus applied the ventriloquism charm on the painting and Sirius just before Snape left his frame.

Sirius was offended when Snape had sneeringly referred to him as the 'dummy', but Remus had bustled him out of the set of rooms before Sirius could say anything in reply. The walk from the quarters to Snape's office was filled with interjections from Snape, who followed in the frames. Sirius, still looking a mirror image of Snape, began growing red when comments such as 'Sirius Black is a blubbering idiot' kept coming from his lips in the middle of his briefing from Remus.

They were a few steps from the office when Remus was forced to restrain Sirius from ripping the canvas Snape currently occupied to shreds. The eighteenth century ladies who had been quietly doing needle work collectively shrieked in feminine outrage and fear before fleeing their frame. Snape had merely chuckled darkly- that was rather disconcerting since it also came out of a snarling Sirius- before disappearing from the Victorian parlor painted within that portrait.

Remus and Sirius exchanged a glance before opening the office door and stepping inside. Remus hadn't changed a thing, knowing there would be hell to pay from Snape if he did. Given how infuriated Snape was likely to be when he was returned to normal, Remus decided not to push his luck. The strange animals, or just their various limbs and organs, floated as gruesome displays within their pickled jars. The desk was still covered in parchment, and Snape's own fine Raven quill beside Remus' rather shabby owl quill, and the chair had nary a new crease in its black leather.

Sirius moved around the desk and dropped down into the expensive chair. It indeed looked as if Professor Snape had returned to make the students' lives hell. Remus looked up and saw a doctor within the painting of an early nineteenth century oratory hall, busily dissecting a human corpse, just as Snape joined the audience. The Potions Master moved up the theater seats to a higher level, and disappeared further back- blending in with the spectators quickly scribbling note's on the doctor's muffled lecture.

Seeing everyone was in place, Remus drew in a deep breath and grabbed a pinch of floo powder from the small tin atop the mantel. "Here it goes," he told Sirius before tossing it into the fireplace. "Slytherin Common Room."

After sticking his head into the emerald flames without a moments hesitation Remus called out a single name followed by strict instructions. "Mr. Malfoy! Report to Professor Snape's office immediately!"

* * *

Still tightly clutching the stuffed werewolf doll Snape had dropped back in the bathroom of The Three Broomsticks, Harry was nearing full-blown panic. Suddenly waking up without the ability of sight, and then relying on one's sense of touch to navigate rocky terrain, was a terrifying experience. He had long since stopped calling out for Snape, as the echoes only hindered his progress- not to mention frazzled his already shot nerves. Instead, he settled for stumbling around.

Time was meaningless to him. For one, he had no idea how long he'd been unconscious after being drugged by Boots. Two, there was no sun or stars to mark the passage of minutes into hours. Harry did not think he'd been here for an entire day, awake at least, but if asked he couldn't have said how long he had been conscious. Two hours? Four? Ten? It seemed an eternity passed with each second.

His feet carried him to an unseen destination, and he even wondered if he was going in circles at one point. The rising pillars of rock he would occasionally encounter with outstretched hands all felt the same. He had fallen so many times, jarring his injured head, he wondered if he had turned around or went left or right. He was trying to walk a straight line, but the very act of attempting such a feat in the darkness was laughable.

Except the last thing Harry felt like doing was laugh.

The uneven rock below his feet cut into his knees as he tripped once again. Harry grit his teeth as he felt the cold ground dig into his kneecap. Leaning forward, he placed all his weight onto his hands and arms until the pain subsided enough to be dealt with. Once it dulled, he pushed back up to his feet, wincing as he continued forward. He felt battered. Not yet beaten, though.

The air was cold. Even though he couldn't see his breath, he could actually feel it hitting his face- and knew it was coming out in gray steaming puffs. He was glad there was no wind making it worse, but at the same time it seemed to seep into his clothes and his skin to his muscles that shivered uncontrollably in an attempt to generate some sort of body heat. His heavy cloak, with his wand, was back at The Three Broomsticks- and there was nothing but Mrs. Weasley's jumper to try and insulate whatever heat his body did manage to generate.

It wasn't freezing though - if it were, he'd probably have frost bite. Harry could tell because there was a constant dripping somewhere ahead of him that sounded like the leaky faucet in the boy's bathroom on the fourth floor Filch had yet to fix. The dripping sound that had become his only guide through the dark abyss, and an unreliable one with the echo that followed even it.

All in all, Harry was pretty sure he'd never been more miserable in his life. There wasn't a silver lining to this cloud, or if there was, it was too damn dark to see it.

While he continued to stumble along, he had nothing but his own angry thoughts for company. That, at least, took his mind of the pain, this pitch-black pit, and the cold. So far he had decided Boots had definitely kidnapped both himself and Snape. That, of course, led to the question why. What would possibly motivate him to take them away from Hogsmede? The only answer to that was Voldemort. No one else would drop Harry into this place. Well, the Dursleys probably wouldn't mind it if Harry fell off the face of the earth- but they definitely wouldn't go to Boots, another freak, to get the job done.

Although- picturing his Uncle Vernon as some sort of mafia godfather ordering a hit on Harry was somewhat hilarious. Or that could have been the panic again.

Keeping his mind on track as he reached out blindly and took tiny baby steps not unlike Snape's own wobble, he continued with the mystery. The only suspicious behavior he remembered was spotting Malfoy talking to the Hufflepuff the other day in the corridor after Harry had left Dumbledore's office. Harry's lips pressed together as he remembered the sight of the pair. At the time, he thought it odd- now he found it incriminating.

This entire situation stunk of ferret.

So while Harry had kept his eye on the Slytherins, they had gone and recruited a Hufflepuff. He'd made the same mistakes his parents had made- although Maxwell Boots had never been a friend. Never the less, it still stung like a stab wound in the back.

A passage from Snape's journal sprung to his mind. The professor's writing was usually as dry as his sarcasm, but he had been anxious at one point. Snape had worried the swelling ranks of Death Eaters weren't just coming from his house, and that pressure was being applied to selected students who made up the balance of Hogwart's student body. That made sense, really. Pettigrew had been in Gryffindor, and he had still gone to the other side. Probably pushed there by Malfoy's dad or one of his chums. It seemed their recruitment patterns didn't change much from one generation to the next.

But Snape didn't know who those targeted students were, wasn't even sure how many there were- if there were any at all. After all, Snape couldn't call other students into his office for tea and biscuits and make discrete inquiries as to their political alliances like he could with his own charges. Well, Harry now knew of one. _Should add an addendum to Snape's journal_, he thought bitterly.

If Snape wasn't recruiting, then someone else was, and Harry had a pretty good idea of who that was. The image of Malfoy quietly whispering to the nervous Hufflepuff flashed in his mind again. What a bastard.

Now every time Harry fell, he made a silent list of each bump and scrape to pay back to Malfoy when he got out of this mess. Rules be damned, he was going to duel that little Death Eater wannabe right into the corridor wall next he spotted him.

Harry continued mentally beating the Slytherin to a bloody pulp when he tripped again. This time, however, there was a noticeable difference in what had caught his foot. It had rung out, sort of like a thick bell. In fact, the sound was still echoing.

Feeling around him, his hand hit several cold steel rungs fashioned into long, and sharp, rectangles. When he followed these outwards, he discovered they were connected to two longer ones on either side. As if a metal ladder had been laid down onto the floor.

_Tracks._

Tracks. Darkness. Echoing water drops. A cold, rocky floor. Sweet Merlin, he was in some sort of mining shaft.

_What the hell?_

Pushing himself up once again, he began to cautiously follow the tracks. He had no idea where they would lead him- deeper into the mine or to its entrance? Right now, it was the best he had to go on. Why would they leave him in a mine? Per Voldemort's instructions? And why would Voldemort dump him in a mine anyway?

Harry sighed, the sound echoing for a short way around him, as he continued to mull the questions over in his mind while following the tracks and hoping they'd lead him to the way out.

* * *

"Whosssss the cutesssst baby? You are! Yesssss you are! Goochy, goochy, goo!"

Watching Voldemort shake the silver rattle with the tiny green bow above a terrified looking Snape, both Lucius and Wormtail cringed. Somehow it just didn't fit in with the 'world dominating evil' one would usually associated with Voldemort.

Snape seemed to feel the same way. His facial expressions ranged from scared out of his little shoes to just disgusted. When Voldemort grew unhappy with Snape's responses, the tiny toddler would reach up reluctantly and half-heartedly grab the rattle that had to contend with the sound of Nagini's hisses.

Tired of watching the scene, and feeling he might just have nightmares for the rest of his life, Wormtail hesitatingly spoke. "Perhaps he's too, um, old for a rattle, My Lord? He might like a different toy?"

_One that doesn't require baby talk_, he added mentally.

"Yes, much too old for the rattle," Lucius immediately agreed, nodding emphatically.

Voldemort wheezed (the closest he could come to snorting) and stopped shaking the silver rattle. "What do you suggest then?"

Fidgeting nervously with his cane, Malfoy Senior turned to look at Wormtail. Wondering why he was now suddenly the expert on babies, he tried to recall what James and Lily had given Harry. Of course, Harry had still been young when they'd been killed, little more than ten months old. He wracked his brains for several thick silenced moments. "Uh, blocks?"

"Do we have blocks?" Voldemort asked, turning towards the hidden Death Eaters.

One of them, probably Crabbe Senior judging by the grunting voice, stepped out and answered. "I don't believe so, My Lord."

The red eyes narrowed into angry slits. "No blocks."

Crabbe audibly gulped. "No, sir."

In a fit of rage, Voldemort flung the rattle at Crabbe. It whacked the Death Eater right in the center of his mask, and caused him to cringe reflexively. "IDIOTS! I specifically ordered for preparations to be made! How on earth can you run Australia?! You. Can't. Even. Get. Alphabet. BLOCKS!"

Crabbe groveled on the ground, his mask scraping the stone floor. "Forgive my pathetic existence, Dark Lord!"

Ignoring Crabbe, Voldemort turned towards Lucius. "Do we have _anything_ suitable?"

"I believe we have Legos™," Lucius replied shrugging gracefully.

"Legos™?"

"Colored building blocks that can be assembled into structures. Ah- the box did read only for children six and up."

Voldemort began visibly seething. "DOES HE LOOK SIX TO YOU?!"

"No, My Lord," Lucius replied smoothly.

One of the long scaled fingers began tapping restlessly on the arm of the throne. "The child must be entertained, you worthless excuses for minions." He sighed and turned to Severus. "Good help is so hard to find."

"Ithiut," Snape supplied. "Yuh phult."

"And why can't I understand him?! I can speak four demon languages, and yet I can't understand one syllable that comes out of his mouth!" Voldemort shouted.

Snape smirked.

"This situation demands rectification, you maggots. Immediately." Voldemort motioned for Wormtail. With obvious hesitation he slowly made his way up to the throne, nervously stepping over Nagini. Voldemort picked Snape up and handed him over to Wormtail- who took the toddler only after receiving a blazing glare.

Snape looked up at him with obvious distaste. Wormtail sighed mentally and backed away from the throne while Voldemort continued. "Lucius, Wormtail- entertain him. If you want _anything_ done right you just have to do it yourself." He stood then, and stepped over the giant snake. All the Death Eaters, aside from Wormtail who was still holding Snape, immediately dropped to the floor. "Crabbe, follow me." With that, the Dark Lord left the throne room with Crabbe cringing after him and simultaneously bowing- looking like some sort of hunchback.

When Voldemort finally left the throne room, everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"This is a disaster," Lucius said to no one in particular. "I knew this was a bad idea. Narcissa is more than competent to take care of Sev."

"Shame Bells is still in Azkaban," Goyle grunted as he stepped out of the shadows. "She's the only one the Dark Lord would trust with Sev."

Lucius snorted. "She's mad as a hatter. Was before she was tossed into Azkaban, and I shudder to think how much of her mind is gone now. There's no way she'd be able to care for him."

Goyle took off his mask, revealing his round face complete with jowls. It looked as if his brow had scrunched in thought, but that was rather difficult to say for sure since it was pretty much a long thick line of hair. Besides, Goyle had nothing between the ears. "I thought they had that thing-"

"Not that old story. Maybe if she was so drunk she was falling off her barstool," Lucius replied snidely.

Snape grabbed onto Wormtail's collar, pulling himself up further so that Wormtail had to lay him against his chest. "Shud uph!"

The emphatic declaration made them all jump in surprise. Then, slowly, Lucius' eyes focused on Snape's face. "You understand me?"

Snape snorted in a manner very similar to Lucius'. "Corth."

Lucius stalked forward till his nose was inches from Snape's. The two locked eyes and stared at each other for several seconds. "Not even you are that brilliant, Sev."

"Thartah than you, Yusee," was the derisive reply. "Whas Pooper?"

"What?" Lucius asked, blinking.

Snape scowled. "Pooper! Hawwy Pooper! Wha ith he?"

"I think he means Potter," Goyle muttered- moving his finger as if to poke Snape. When the toddler's lips drew back, revealing two rows of tiny sharp teeth, and snarled- Goyle quickly withdrew the finger.

"He's been tossed down one of the caverns," Wormtail answered. This had to be the strangest conversation he'd ever held.

Snape became silent again, and his eyes darted to the side in thought. Finally he seemed to come to some sort of decision. "Thown!"

"Thown?" Lucius echoed dully.

"Puh meh thown, thuntherheath." He reached towards the floor and began kicking his feet rather painfully into Wormtail's stomach. "THOWN! THOWN THOWN THOWN THOWN!"

"Oh no! You're not running around!" Lucius replied snidely. He pointed towards Nagini who was resting lazily in front of the throne. "We can't be sure she won't eat you. Likes little babies, you know."

Snape paled.

Tightening his hold on the once again still toddler, Wormtail gazed at Lucius. "What should we do with him?"

Lucius rolled his eyes. "I don't know. We're supposed to keep him happy." He turned to Goyle. "Entertain him."

Goyle stared at him blankly. "How?"

"I don't know! Sing him a song. Do a little dance. Just keep him occupied until the Dark Lord returns." Lucius snapped, smartly rapping Goyle in the head with his cane.

While Lucius turned and walked back up to the throne, sitting into it, Goyle slipped him a disgruntled look as he rubbed his head. "Right," he muttered. He turned back to Snape. "Uh, how about the rally song?"

Gritting his teeth, Snape glared angrily at him with his large black eyes.

"Oh yeah. You never liked it. Well, blimey. The only other song I know is 'I'm a little teapot.'"

Snape looked as if he was about to deliver some scathing insult at Goyle- then paused. A slow, evil grin spread across his face. "Yeth! Withel Thee Poth!"

"Okay," Goyle replied, already moving one hand to his waist while his other stuck out. He began swaying side to side and bobbing his head. "I'm a little tea pot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout…"

From the throne, Lucius groaned as if in pain while Goyle continued 'singing' and 'dancing'.

* * *

"Here they are," Hermione stated as she pointed to the two blinking dots labeled Lupin and Black within Snape's office.

With his face recently scrubbed clean, Ron no longer looked as if he'd just emerged from a chimney. His eyebrows, however, were nearly entirely gone but for a few red tufts of hair. A couple of spells had cleared up his hearing, which Hermione was glad for since she no longer had to yell in his face.

Ron bent over Hermione's shoulder and peered down at the map. "They haven't spoken to Malfoy then?"

"Looks as if they're about to," Hermione answered. Looking up at Ron, there was hope in her eyes. "There's still time."

"Good," Ron replied already moving away. He walked over to Harry's bed and dropped to his knees before sticking his head under it. When he spoke next, his voice came out muffled. "Think they'll get it out of Malfoy?"

"Positive," she answered before tapping the map with her wand. "Mischief managed."

As the parchment cleared of its diagram, Hermione watched Ron rummage around beneath the hanging maroon curtains. "What are you doing?"

"Getting Harry's broom," came the answer. A rolled up old gray sock was tossed out, followed by an empty box of Bertie's Every Flavor Beans. Finally, Ron gave a victorious 'yes' and dragged out Harry's prized Firebolt.

It was in top condition, since Harry kept meticulous care of it. Not so much as a wayward twig had been left unclipped, and no scratch marred the surface of the wooden handle. Ron stood up, broom in hand, and noticed Hermione's hesitant expression. "Don't tell me you're still nervous about flying."

She was undoubtedly still nervous about flying, judging by the way she was chewing at her bottom lip. "I had a bad experience."

"Nothing safer in the world, 'Mione."

Walking over to Harry's trunk, Ron examined the latch on it for a few seconds before smiling and retrieving his wand. Hermione had to restrain the urge to twitch from the worry of what he was planning now. Instead of any huge spells, a simple _alohamora_ was uttered. Reaching inside, Ron's hand emerged with Harry's Invisibility Cloak that was quickly tucked under the crook of his arm. Ron then walked over to the window and unlatched it. "Door's a no go, that leaves the window. You want to jump?"

She sent him _the_ look. It seemed every woman on earth had it, and every man on earth had been reduced to shame under it. Wisely deciding to drop the sarcastic comments, Ron cleared his throat, and threw one leg over the broomstick. "Well?"

There was obvious hesitation on her part. Finally, with a heavy sigh, Hermione crossed the room till she stood next to Ron. "You do know how to fly with two?"

"'Course. Trust me," he replied. Hermione arched her brow, but did climb onto the broom behind him. "Hold on tight, okay? Leave the rest to me."

"Alright," Hermione answered before hugging Ron so tightly he was worried she might crack one of his ribs.

"Not so tight, 'Mione," he breathed.

"Oh-" her grip relaxed a bit, "sorry."

"No worries. Here we go."

* * *

It was a brief period of time before a knock came on the door to Snape's office. Sirius and Remus exchanged a look, before Sirius said softly, "Ready, Snape?"

From his mouth came the acidic reply, "of course, you idiot mongrel."

"Look more… Severus-like," Remus advised when the thunderous expression came over Sirius', or rather Severus', face. _On second thought_, Remus considered as he moved to open the door, _perhaps that **is** Severus-like_.

The arrogant and pointed face of Draco Malfoy greeted him on the other side. It was clear from the look in his gray eyes that he did not enjoy being called upon. Remus was very sure it had something to do with being a Gryffindor Alumni acting as Head of Slytherin or just being a shabby Werewolf ordering a Malfoy about. "You called, sir?"

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy," Remus said, putting a smile on his face despite the way Malfoy made 'sir' seem like a dirty word. "I've a rather pleasant surprise for you."

A blonde brow lifted in doubt. "Oh?"

Still smiling, although the corners of his lips were trying to twitch into a frown, Remus stepped aside and left a clear view of Sirius.

The affect was astounding. Draco's face lit up as if Christmas had come early, and a wide smile bloomed over his features. "Professor Snape!" he began happily, marching past Remus without so much as a look in his direction. "You're back!"

Unseen by Draco, the painting hanging with a clear view of the office above the desk, spoke through Sirius' lips. "Obviously, Mr. Malfoy."

Draco smirked at his Head of House, and Remus knew right there the deceit worthy of a Slytherin would actually work. "I was just writing a letter to Father," Draco began proudly, "that the Gryffindors aren't worthy to lick your boots- let alone care for you during your- ah-" there was a pause, "unfortunate circumstance."

"Indeed," came the answer, Sirius standing and flicking the black robes behind his slim frame as he smoothly glided around the desk. He came to a rest next to Malfoy, arms folded and still towering over the growing boy. "I suppose I'll have to thank you, Draco. Had it not been for your… assistance… I may have been stuck with those inept idiots for much longer."

"I'm not sure what you mean, sir," Draco said innocently, though a smirk twisted his lips.

Remus had to hold back the urge to grab the boy and shake him soundly at the pleased look plastered over Malfoy's face. From the balling of Snape/Sirius's fists, he supposed Sirius was having much the same difficulty. Still, the stone mask was holding firm on Sirius' face, and he continued to stare down the long and crooked nose at his supposedly favorite student. "Of course not."

For a moment the two exchanged a look, Sirius' intense while Draco's was completely self-satisfied. Suddenly, with no warning- not so much as a hand gesture- Sirius' wand was out and directed at Remus. The curse that hit him was one Remus did know, and as he fell back, seemingly into unconsciousness as he slipped to the floor, he commended Sirius' quick thinking. It was _fallo stupefy_- the false sleep.

From behind hooded eyes, he heard the conversation begin anew.

"I've wanted to do that for days now, sir," came the oily voice of the young Slytherin.

"I'm afraid that is nothing next to the decades I've wanted to hex the sub-human creature," Severus assured. To Remus' way of thinking, it was likely true from the portrait's perspective. "Now, I assure you, you may speak quite freely, Draco. I'm most pleased with your cleverness in helping to capture Potter."

The change from merely smug to positively preening was somewhat disgusting. "I was going to do it myself, sir. As a gift, to show my loyalty- but Potter was watching me too closely. As if he knew I couldn't be trusted with you." Draco laughed in a disturbingly sinister fashion for one so young. "What rubbish."

"Quite. I can say the Dark Lord has taken notice, Draco. I suspect you'll be able to join sooner than expected. Perhaps during the holidays."

There was a conspicuous hesitancy, and when Draco spoke, he seemed much less enthusiastic and pleased. "Is that so?"

A silence stretched for a moment, and then there was the rustle of robes as Sirius moved further about the room. "How did you convince Mr. Boots to go through with it? A Hufflepuff… close to Mr. Diggory if I remember correctly. Quite a feat to accomplish."

"Not really. You know the Dark Lord's efforts are extending, sir. Boots was afraid of ending up like Diggory, the idiot, and was willing to do what it took to stay out of the Dark Lord's way. Of course, a bit of persuasion never hurts."

Remus' stomach turned at the matter-of-fact way a fifteen-year-old could speak of plotting a kidnapping.

"Is Potter dead then?" Draco asked so nonchalantly the question could have been about the weather, or perhaps the latest Quidditch scores.

There was another laden silence, and Remus swore Sirius' breathing hitched with the effort it must have taken to control his temper.

"Sir?"

"Ah, yes. Potter is gone."

There was another shift of leather and the sound of Draco lounging- presumably in Snape's seat. "Excellent. With Potter out of the way the Quidditch Cup is ours."

"I'm more concerned about the Auror's uncovering any evidence," Snape's portrait murmured through Sirius somewhere near Remus' side. "Since the Prophet is still spinning the story of Diggory's murder."

"In the caverns?" Draco scoffed. "Father said it was an old muggle mine. There are dozens of shafts- I'm sure he can be dropped down any number of them. Never to be found again."

"A mine," Severus repeated slowly.

"An odd place for the Dark Lord, I'll admit," Draco sighed. "My hair won't like the humidity when I'm called to the circle. Perhaps the Dark Lord will move again…"

There was a short moment of silence, and then the sudden rush of movement. A 'finate incantum' later, Remus' eyes snapped open and gazed up to find the reason why.

Severus' elongated face was shifting back into Sirius', the hair slowly lengthening, as if growing in fast motion. A quick glance to Draco saw the boy staring in abject horror as the man dressed as his Professor turned into the wanted murderer, Sirius Black.

When Sirius was once more himself, he briefly touched his face before fixing an absolutely livid glare on the blonde Slytherin who was now hurrying to back towards the fireplace. "Y-y-y-you tricked me!"

"Wasn't hard," Sirius said in his raspy voice, wearing an absolutely nasty smile. "For such a crafty bunch, you can be really dense and naive at times." When Draco's hand shakily went for the Floo powder, Sirius tutted and lifted his wand in Draco's direction "I think not, Malfoy. We're not done with our nice little chat."

He spat the last word, moving towards the usually pale boy who'd now gone sheet white.

"Were you aware of the fact that Harry happens to be my godson?" Sirius questioned in a menacing growl, one hand reaching for the boy's shoulder and shoving him down in Snape's seat. "I'm… protective of him. The thought of anyone harming him makes me a bit," here he leaned his face in close to Draco, who tried to back away unsuccessfully, "crazy."

"Professor!" Draco squeaked, his now wildly scared gray eyes turning from the escaped convict to Remus. "You can't let him hurt me!"

Remus pursed his lips, arms folding themselves over his chest. "I'm afraid Sirius is the better shot, Draco. I don't stand much of a chance."

"But you were Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor!" Draco continued in a pleading tone, shaking in his seat as his face turned imploring to Remus. "Act like it!"

"I was," Remus agreed with a mild nod. "But then, some students spread those nasty stories of my condition-" he cast Draco a shrewd gaze.

Draco audibly gulped.

"I'm afraid you have no friends here, Malfoy," Sirius went on, leaning in closer. "And you know how good I am at getting in and out undetected." Sirius affected a smile that was both charming and rather scary with all the bared teeth. "So why don't you tell us where these caverns are, and I'll just wipe your memory and be on my way."

"He'd kill me," Draco whispered in a tone that was somehow younger and absolutely terrified by the very idea of betraying Voldemort. "I can't."

"You can, and you will," Sirius corrected, the wand now aimed right between a whimpering Draco's eyes. "Or I'm going to get very upset. You wouldn't like me upset. I have a tendency of blowing things up."

"You didn't do that," Draco murmured.

From the flash in Sirius' blue eyes, the young wizard realized that was really the wrong thing to say. The wand pressed into the middle of his forehead, Sirius' face contorting with anger. "So daddy and his friend Peter told you all about that, did they? Well, let _me_ tell _you_ something, boy. Azkaban changes a man, and not for the better. I may not have murdered those people, but after being convicted of doing it- I can promise you," Draco whimpered again when Sirius leaned in even closer, "twelve years in Azkaban Prison taught me how. Without blinking."

"Gryffindors-"

Sirius cut him off. "For those we care about? You bet we will." Sirius narrowed his eyes. "How about it? Give me the name of the town, Malfoy. Tell me it, and you walk away. Don't- and I'll still get it, just by less pleasant means. I know a lot about misery and torture."

Remus wanted to believe Sirius was simply scaring Draco, but from the look in Sirius' eyes, even Remus doubted it.

After another small gulp, Draco started talking- and this time, the cockiness was definitely out of his voice.

* * *

"There they go," Hermione said, her arm clutched around Ron's waist as if she'd be blown off by a mere gust of wind.

Turning his head to get a better look at her, he saw the map clutched in a death grip by her white fingers. "Where to?"

"Leaving the dungeons," she began, eyes focused entirely on the Marauder's map, "looks like they're both going for one of the utility closets. Just beyond the doors leading to the greenhouses."

"Right," Ron said, adjusting the direction of Harry's Firebolt and sending it back towards the Greenhouses peppering the grounds a bit off from the castle. The invisibility cloak had been thrown over both their heads, and thanks to a handy sticking charm of Hermione's it was assured to stay in place through flight. The two ended up hovering a ways above the exit of the castle, watching with anticipation of the two ex-Marauders making their own appearance.

"Nearly there," Hermione told Ron, eyes still fixed to the parchment.

Just as she had promised, the door suddenly swung open beneath them, giving both a bird's eye view of Lupin's sandy hair (slightly grayed) as he stepped out into the chilled afternoon. What caused them both pause was the fact Sirius followed, dressed in Snape's teaching robes and definitely not in his animagus furs, a motorcycle trailing along beside him.

It sounded as if the two were talking, but neither Hermione nor Ron could hear a lick of what was said. "Go lower," Hermione advised softly.

With a nod from Ron the broom slowly hovered closer towards the ground, and the two finally caught onto the anxious sounding conversation between the two wizards.

"…an hour away," Sirius was saying as he flipped one leg over the seat and gazed expectantly towards Professor Lupin. "Be there before you know it, Moony."

Lupin himself looked doubtfully at the motorcycle, about as hesitant as Hermione had when told she'd be riding by broomstick. "Apparition would be quicker."

"Yeah, and then the Ministry's goon squad would trace me," Sirius argued in a rushed voice. "Just get on. I mean, how many flying motorcycle accidents are there? Hm?"

"That's not a valid question," Lupin argued huffily. "That's the only one that flies!"

"Arthur's car," Sirius pointed out.

"Car. With doors and a roof," Lupin declared, waving one hand at the bike. "All of which this lacks. What happened to the side car?"

"You are such a worrywart, Moony," Sirius muttered while rolling his eyes. "The side car cramped my style. Look, do you want to save Harry or not?"

Lupin threw another distrustful glance at the motorcycle, before uttering a sigh. "All right, but if you do any loops or weave about too much- you're letting me off."

"Fine, fine," Sirius assured him, scooting forward in the seat. "Just hold on tight." With a scoff and another sigh of great reluctance, Lupin was soon sitting behind Sirius, holding onto his waist in a manner remarkably similar to Hermione's death grip around Ron. "And we're off!" Sirius proclaimed, and with a single shove the motor was purring as if it hadn't had a fourteen-year break. The sound almost covered Professor Lupin's shout of dismay as Sirius shot into the air- his hair flying back into Lupin's starch-white face.

It was shear luck that they missed colliding into Ron and Hermione. Hermione's squeak was lost over the roar of Sirius' engine, but Ron began gasping for breath. "Mione… not my neck! Need to," wheeze, "breathe!"

* * *

The fly over the Scottish countryside was miserable for not just the two tailers, but the two leading the way as well. The wind may not have been a problem if one were relatively immobile on the ground, but in the air it was causing everyone flying towards the caves to shiver uncontrollably as the breeze knifed through their clothes as well as stiffening the skin on their faces and hands. The invisibility cloak remained on even through the worst of the gusts, and thus Sirius Black and Remus Lupin had no idea they were being followed into a Death Eater's headquarters by two young students.

When Sirius finally reached the spot they must have been looking for, Lupin hopped off the bike and put a good amount of distance between himself and the 'death trap'. Sirius merely loped off with a smooth slide from the seat, and led his 'baby' over to a well concealing amount of brush a ways back from the cliffs they'd landed on. Once in the bushes, Sirius allowed the green perennial leaves to properly hide the black chrome, leaving no one the wiser that anyone had landed nearby.

Keeping the broom steady overhead, Ron peered down at the misty landscape. Apparently the ocean met the Cliffside just below them, where he could just detect the surf being tossed up like raindrops against his skin. A ways to the east they'd passed by a small village. Judging by the shoddy shingling and un-paved roads, it hadn't seen much in the way of money for quite some time. Otherwise, nothing but more small, barely qualifying mountains (more like really- really tall hills) were surrounding this costal region, along with a good amount of autumn-striped forestry and farmland.

But the object which seemed to hold Professor Lupin and Sirius' attention was a large, man-made carving in the face of one cliff held up by a hastily constructed archway of rotting wood. Hammered into the ground was an old sign, one that read 'Danger- Abandoned Mine Shafts' in faded red paint.

Glancing over his shoulder, he shared a significant look with Hermione.

"This is it, alright," Sirius said, nearly entirely concealed by a large tree without much in the way of leaves as he peered over towards the opening into another rocky Cliffside. "Just as Malfoy described."

"Voldemort must be planning something," Lupin added from his own examination mere paces away, "keeping this close to Hogwarts."

"With Harry out of the way he doesn't have much to fear," Sirius said grimly. "Got to get in there somehow. Find him."

"And Severus," Lupin said calmly.

Sirius threw him a positively acidic look, glancing down at the robes about his figure before snorting. "I'm more worried about my godson, Moony. If you want to charge in for that no-good, backstabbing Slytherin- be my guest."

Hermione, apparently in a moment of fury, sucked in a hiss of breath. Unfortunately, for one werewolf, the sound was easily heard- even over the crashing waves. Before Ron could attempt to glide out of sight, amber eyes flickered immediately onto their position above the two quarreling wizards, and they narrowed with a brief flare of the nostrils.

A wand was drawn from his sleeve, and aimed straight for them. " Reveal yourself," Lupin said dangerously, even as Sirius was pulling out his own wand.

"Don't hex us," Ron said quickly, almost missing the look of shock and then brief anger on Lupin's face upon recognizing his voice.

"Ron?" he asked, slowly, wand never drifting away.

With a sigh, and a yank, the top of the invisibility cloak was pulled down, revealing his head to them. Instead of yelping or falling away from the discombobulated head, Lupin merely pressed his lips together in an unmistakable frown of disappointment. "What are you doing here?" He stopped and then shook his head. "Nevermind, that was an extremely stupid question. I know what you're doing here." Then, "you shouldn't be here, Ronald Weasley!"

The small, still terrified from being up high, voice of Hermione chimed in. "I'm here too, Professor."

The answering groan was near despair.

Unlike his counterpart in crime, Sirius Black was smiling as if Christmas and his Birthday had both come early. "Chip off the old block, eh Remus? Harry certainly knows how to pick his friends."

"Sirius…" Lupin began warningly.

Ignoring him, Sirius continued. "Didn't expect them to stay where they were when their friend was in danger, did you Moony? Good for you Ron, Hermione!"

"Oh, yes," Lupin stated rather dryly with a faux nod of agreement. "Bloody good of them to follow us into certain danger and possible death, Sirius." Flashing amber settled once more on the two floating above their heads. "Come down. Now. And take off the cloak."

Slowly Ron lowered the broom as ordered, Hermione's hands clutching painfully into his side as they touched down. With a _finate incantum_, the cloak was freed and Hermione pulled it off them, revealing them both to Sirius and Professor Lupin. Lupin's eyes were nothing but furious, which was a somewhat unnerving sight for the usually mild and calm, unshakable Professor. Sirius, on the other hand, was still grinning like a loon.

"Hand over the invisibility cloak," Lupin ordered, hand outstretched towards Hermione. Once she had complied, Lupin rolled it up and settled it under his arm, giving both of them a serious, no nonsense look. "You'll both go back to Hogwarts and stay there, this time."  
  
"But-" Ron and Hermione began simultaneously, only to be cut off by Lupin's lifted hand.

"Tell the Headmaster where Sirius and I have gone. Alert Madame Pomfrey there could be some injuries." He and Sirius shared a look, one that was grit and determination. His eyes softened when they turned back to Ron and Hermione. "I know you want to help Harry, and I commend you for it. However, this is too dangerous for the both of you to get involved in. Nearly all of Voldemort's supporters are in those caverns, and they will not give you mercy because of your age. In fact, capturing the both of you as well may just be the cherry to top this entire mess."

Ron and Hermione both looked down at his words. Neither wanted to cause anyone else any more grief, but they were still determined to help their friends. "Professor-" Ron started, only to be cut off again by Sirius. Apparently Lupin's words managed to make an impression on Sirius as well, since the enthusiasm at Ron and Hermione's appearance was tapered down somewhat.

"Remus is right, Ron. You two fly on back, we'll take care of this." He made a shooing motion. "Off you go. Sooner you're gone, sooner we can go in."

Ron and Hermione exchanged another glance, and then Ron was mounting the broomstick again, Hermione once more squeezing him from behind. "Good luck," he said simply, before launching off in the air.

They streaked through the sky without a look back, and once the cliffs had disappeared and only the ocean below them remained- Ron pulled back on the handle and stopped dead in the air- floating above the churning waves.

"I was worried you were going to listen to them."

Shocked, Ron's head whipped around to stare over his shoulder at a smiling and determined Hermione. "You think we should still do this?"

Her brown eyes changed- going harder and colder- nearly unforgiving. "Severus and Harry are in there. What would they do for us?"

"Snape-"

"_Professor_ Snape would never condone harm to his students. Not unless there was no other choice for him. I still believe he'd **try**. We have to try too." Hermione declared from the depths of her being.

Ron blinked, tilted his head, and then smiled. "Yeah. Okay." The smile faded into a frown. "But they took the invisibility cloak. If we try to get in, they'll spot us for sure."

Hermione shook her head. "I've got a plan," she announced.

Raising his brows, Ron listened as Hermione shared her plan. When she was finished, the smile was back on his face. "Bloody brilliant!"

* * *

"OUCH!"

"Shh!" Remus hissed, glaring at Sirius from under the cloak.

"I'm just saying," Sirius went on softly as they grew closer to the entrance, "this is a lot different from when we were kids."

Remus glanced at him from the corner of his eyes, but the bulk of his attention was focused on the caverns beyond the opaque cloak draped over their quickly moving forms. "The danger is greater?"

"No," Sirius corrected. "That's the third time you've stepped on my foot. More room in this cloak when we were fourteen, and neither of us are exactly bulky."

"Well, we're taller," Remus reasoned. Sirius was about to answer, but Remus made a quick cutting motion before nodding towards the caverns.

The sight of a Death Eater in full garb, complete with the featureless silver mask, quieted Sirius before he could even form his first syllable. The two watched as the masked wizard crossed over to the entrance of the caves, his arms folded over his chest as he gazed out at the open field and dirt track leading into the caves. The open field Remus and Sirius were currently crouching low in, clutching the cloak around them as if their lives depended on it. Which, you know, it sort of did.

"Alright," Sirius whispered so low only Remus' Lycan hearing would pick it up, "what now?"

"You have to ask?" Remus returned just as softly in the barest of breaths. "I thought this was just your sort of expertise."

Sirius gazed at him disbelievingly. "Charge in, wands blazing?"

"Mhm," Remus acknowledged with a nod.

"Huh. You're slipping, Moony. I thought you'd have something much slicker in mind," Sirius said with an unmistakable grin of anticipation. His wand appeared in his hand, followed by Remus reaching for his own.

"For Harry and Severus," Remus said inspiringly.

The inspiration was quite lost on the second name, but Sirius shrugged. "Yeah, okay. Greasy bastard will owe me. No more whining about that prank."

With that, the two tossed the cloak off and roared a battle cry as they stormed for the startled Death Eater, who was quickly taken out with two stunners to the chest.

* * *

****

**A/N:** Will Sirius and Remus get the enthusiasm killed out of them? Will Hermione's plan go off without a hitch? Just what _is_ Hermione's plan anyway? Can Harry escape before it's too late? Will Voldemort find his baby blocks to occupy Severus at the wizarding equivalent of Toys-R-Us? Will Crabbe Sr. ever rule Australia? Will Lucius loose his mind after the tenth round of 'I'm A Little Tea Pot'?

All these questions, and more you aren't even asking, will be answered in the next chapter of THREE GRYFFINDORS AND A BABY!

If you find waiting for the next chappie is too much torture to take, visit a forum at my Bboard where you can discuss TGAB, and also read a bit of extra stuff about the fanfic: 'deleted scenes', 'writer's commentary', 'threaten the author for faster posts' etc… If you're interested, and wish to interact a little with Cely, visit my author's profile page for the link.

Yeah, that's a plug- but what can you do, eh?

**Next time:** The climax! OMG!

* * *

**Appendix #double-o-seven**

**Toddler Babble:**

**Ithiut** – Idiot

**Yuh phult** – Your fault

**Shud uph** – Shut up

**Corth** – Course (Of course)

**Thartah than you, Yusee** – Smarter than you, Luci (Lucius)

**Whas Pooper?** – Where's Potter?

**Pooper! Hawwy Pooper! Wha ith he?** – Potter! Harry Potter! Where is he?

**Thown** – Down

**Puh meh thown, thuntherheath.** – Put me down, dunderhead.

**Yeth! Withel Thee Poth!** – Yes! Little Tea Pot!


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